Review of chapter "Chapter 3" from littleoldme
I find the concept for this story fascinating, but couldn't get past the first paragraph or two reading it, because of the way you skip back and forth from one tense to another, and the degree to which the old adage "show, don't tell" applies here. As a reader, I OD-ed on being told what was happening instead of having the events described in a natural way as they unfolded, and the present tense grates. Just take the first full sentence:
The sound of a body hitting crates throughout a warehouse echoes.
The sentence itself is awkwardly constructed- the "throughout a warehouse" clause is awkwardly placed and confuses the meaning of the sentence, as well as slowing the flow. The present tense doesn't work (it's extremely hard to pull off and works best in dialogue-heavy endeavors where the description is minimal), and the "show, don't tell" bit comes from the fact that you've chosen to describe the sound- but instead of actually describing it (a sharp crack, a muffled impact), you start off with a lame descriptor ("bang") and then just TELL the reader that it's the "sound of a body hitting crates"- when it would have a lot more impact if you DESCRIBED the sound, rather than just telling us what it is.
Overall, a really promising idea, but I couldn't read far enough to see how it played out.
Comments from author:
Thanks for commenting and pointing out the mistake in the first line. yeah i see that the sentence was really weak and badly formated. in my head everytime i kept reading it, the story sounded just right but it seems that my mind reads the chapter right and my hands type it sloppy like. that is why i'm actually looking for a beta to help me catch my mistakes and keep in the right path.
and i'm not saying that i'm writing this to make it sound all smart like and stuff. but i'm not really great at discribing stuff. i'm horrible at it and it shows when i try to do it in real life. i usually turn out sputtering off stuff sounding like an infant gargling out syllables and nonsense. my friends are usually the ones who correct me and keep me from sounding really ' so she went here and picked something that was important and it looked like a something she would recognize.'
i'm looking at the story for like the the hundredth time trying to catch more of my mistakes so if you still feel that you want to read the fic without od'ing and stuff feel free to point out more of the wrongness out there. and thanks again for the review i really do appreciate it.
Review By [littleoldme
] • Date [27 Jul 09] • Not Rated