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The Forgotten Sister

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Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from megan
Review:
Really good storyline, hope you finish it someday
Review By [megan] • Date [23 May 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from (Recent Donor)SlayerandWereLeopard
Review:
just found this little ficlet. Its an interesting concept. Thanks :)
Review By [(Recent Donor)SlayerandWereLeopard] • Date [18 May 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from Netchka
Review:
Wow! What a start. Cool story. Can't wait for more chapters to come. Soon please! Thanks.
Review By [Netchka] • Date [13 Sep 12] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from bradsan
Review:
Awww come on update. I want to read more. Don't tell you won't update this story.
Review By [bradsan] • Date [11 Aug 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from bradsan
Review:
Buffy don't feel a presence only hear the voice inside her head. If I got this right she only got the essence of Jolinar in her system. Can't wait for more and I hope you will be one of the authors who will finish a sister story.

Please don't wait to long.
Review By [bradsan] • Date [18 May 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from bradsan
Review:
Curious, how will the Slayer react with another presence. hope you will update soon.
Review By [bradsan] • Date [5 Jan 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from CherryTiger
Review:
Great idea. But please, take the time to rewrite this. Your dialogue is confusing and the entire story is terribly rushed. If you were just trying to get it all down while the idea was fresh, that's fine. Just don't leave it like this.

I was especially puzzled by the sudden Tokra. Where did that come from?
Review By [CherryTiger] • Date [19 Nov 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from Gideon
Review:
Felt a bit rushed in the just dialogue sections but I like how Buffy and Xander decided on similar costumes. If Jolinar knows of the Slayer from times of old then her knowledge could be quite helpful. I don't know if Buffy will be happy about sharing her head though... Will Sam remember any of her time in Sunnydale?
Review By [Gideon] • Date [8 Nov 11] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from Oxnate
Review:
I like the idea. Tok'ra in Sunnydale is a good story.

But the writing itself... (sigh) You really need a beta reader. I stopped counting how many times you used the wrong your/you're. And some of the dialogue didn't make any sense. (why would Kawalski know about Ethan? And that whole last paragraph made no sense.)

Overall, this looks like a good rough draft. Re-write. Then try again. That's how you get better.
Review By [Oxnate] • Date [21 Oct 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from Genuka
Review:
Cool! I finally had a chance to read this and I'm really glad now that I kept it on my tracking list. More please!
Review By [Genuka] • Date [21 Oct 11] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from mithrilandtj
Review:
I love the start!
Review By [mithrilandtj] • Date [21 Oct 11] • Rating [9 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from Stareyed
Review:
I have to agree with the other reviewers. I like the idea of Buffy being host to Jolinar but what you have written is very brief and lacking in detail. In some ways it feels more like a summary of a chapter than an actual chapter. You need to expand on what is written, add in the details that make you feel that this is actually happening in front of you.

Buffy's immediate acceptance of Jolinar's presence with only a very brief and superficial explanation is also jarring. Try thinking of how you would react to finding yourself sharing your body with someone of another species entirely - one you've never heard of before when your only experience with possession is when a demon takes over a dead body when a vampire is created.

In all it has potential - you just need to put more work into it.
Review By [Stareyed] • Date [20 Oct 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from justapiranha
Review:
The story felt too rushed. One sentence didn't lead into another, and it skiped around alot. If you can go in and add in more detail, this could be a good fic, but as it stands now it's barily a 1 on the rating scale.
Review By [justapiranha] • Date [20 Oct 11] • Rating [1 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from draconis
Review:
The Buffy/Jolinar pairing could be very interesting.

When you used the word "retire" in "We should retire.", did you mean that Buffy would quit being the Slayer and Jolinar would quit being a Tok'ra....or did you mean they just wanted to get some sleep by retiring for the evening?
Review By [draconis] • Date [20 Oct 11] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Halloween in Sunnyhell" from (Moderator)JoeHundredaire
Review:
The concept is interesting in theory, but it's far too brief and undefiled to be a truly enjoyable story.
Review By [(Moderator)JoeHundredaire] • Date [19 Oct 11] • Not Rated
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