Review of chapter "Chapter 2" from Sithicus
This is terribly, terribly, TERRIBLY vague. To the point that there is just not enough substance to rate properly. The premise, while interesting, is not to fleshed out at this point. There are far too many scene transitions without some kind of indicator of same, and there is not enough descriptive narrative dialogue to make the scenes stand out well enough in the reader's mind's eye.
I shall attempt to mention a few things that should be worked on.
1) The mysterious Alicorn, she suddenly appears and her scenes are not nearly impressive enough to make us understand her motives or care enough about her. It's Celestia and Luna's mother, how nice, and yet she seems to know enough to go find a train to get to Canterlot, where her daughters are, and then in a later scene she instantly teleports to the ruins of the old castle in Everfree... WHAT? If she is aware enough to know that her daughters live in Canterlot why would she teleport to the site of the old castle? As far as I am aware the site of the old castle was never referred to as Canterlot, in fact if I recall correctly the pony sisters lived there over a thousand years ago.
Then Celestia moved to Canterlot after the events leading to Nightmare Moon's imprisonment. Canterlot and the ruins of the old castle do not have any correlation between them.
2) The scenes with Trixie do not stand out enough as being important enough. The same can be said for the stuff with Lyra and Bon-Bon. Both of them have serious issues, which would be helped with a bit more fleshing out of the scenes. Quite frankly it just seems like the Lyra/Bon-Bon scenes are there as plot necessities. Nothing more.
3) This is a crossover which takes bold steps, just by what we have already gleaned from the three chapters I suspect your intention is to shake up the Equestrian world quite a bit. However, I can't stress this enough, you need to show us more and avoid just telling things. Twilight is just dumping a ton of new exposition on everypony and we're not questioning how she stumbled across this stuff? There's barely anything there about why this is so important.
When building up a world history one must always do their best to extrapolate some kind of information first and express that information in clever, creative ways. As it stands this is a bunch of short paragraphs that could be just as easily referrencing something else. Or any other generic action.
Example: "Twilight Walks to the door."
"Pinkie Pie was baking a batch of cookies and singing her usual song about Cookie Baking."
"Fluttershy fed her animals."
"Rarity let out a dress for a client."
All of these are short, fragmented sentences and phrases that are just too generic. They tell you a tiny bit of information, but they don't expand on the inner dialogue that the characters need to have when in prose form. A much better way of putting what I wrote above would be something like...
Twilight approached the door, her mind racing over the possibilities of what had just happened. Never before had she experienced such a blinding, painful burst of magic that could render her unconscious. Let alone affect other ponies with equal severity.
Dancing about the kitchen singing loudly and happily, Pinkie prepared yet another batch of cookies for the customers of Sugar Cube Corner. In the middle of a verse her body began to act funny, and not the good kind of funny when she laughed with her friends or had a great time at parties. No, this type of funny was the icky feeling she got when her pinkie senses were trying to warn her about something. She knew she'd have to tell somepony right away. Maybe Twilight would know what it meant, she always knew so much.
While feeding her animals Fluttershy thought to herself about many different things, but today her mind kept coming back to something she'd overheard the day before. While visiting Rarity at the Spa for their usual mare time, she had overheard a familiar voice in the other room discussing her plans. Plans centered around some kind of show. Fluttershy couldn't put her hoof on why, but that voice and what she said was reminding her of something. But what? (This is my attempt at tieing Trixie more into the narrative, perhaps hinting at something more.)
I could go on, I feel though I've made my point. When writing a fanfic of any kind all of us have to remember that we, as the writer, need to develop the scenes so that the reader can picture them in their minds. Without that we might as well simply be writing out conversation after conversation, like a script, without any idea of where the characters are, who is talking to who, or what they are even talking about. (Like a nice hat, or a new book by someone that they may have read. Or a movie seen.)
I hope I am not coming off as overtly critical or harsh, I'm just trying to make your story look much better than it currently does. I know that My Little Pony is a kid's cartoon and that is already a tricky medium to cross over with something as comedically dark as BtVS, that shouldn't mean writing the story as though it were a child's pop-up book or something. And yikes does that sound a bit harsh, my apologies.
EDIT: 1) It's possible, I freely admit that I was only skimming your story. However from what I recall while skimming I could have sworn you wrote it out in such a way that the Alicorn implied she was headed for Canterlot and not the Castle... As evidenced by the fact that she knew instinctively to go to the train. I'm sorry, but 1000 years ago when the Nightmare Moon incident occurred I highly doubt they even had the train. It would strike me as a more recent invention to the ponies than that. And so if this Alicorn is the mother of the two pony sisters than logically she would be even older than that, and unless she is another one of those Humans turned Ponies plot devices like the Scoobies are there is no way she could know what a train is, what it would be used for or the fact that you would need X amount of Bits to afford a trip to wherever the Royal Sisters were located.
2) That may be true, your writing style just doesn't lend itself well to making those scenes stand out as important or fun to read. They are over far too quickly and Trixie is just telling us (the reader) how she's really a nice mare and not some boasty braggart mcbraggypuss (as Pinkie might say). They just aren't fleshed out enough as scenes to be part of the story the way it is now without coming off as pointless and unneeded.
3) Again, show don't tell, it's all well and good that you have assumed Twilight has read these mysterious new prophecies before, we can't know this. And just telling it to us is like reading a School Text Book instead of a creative work of fanfiction.
Twilight read a book of prophecies in the year 17 213 by Ponyville Calendar.
Twilight was Princess Celestia's prized pupil and the Element of Magic.
Twilight attained immortality and that's why we have the Goddess Twilight to this day.
See, not very fun to read. Well... Almost not fun. I mean this is just a small example, fill up an entire twenty pages of a story with just lines like that and the readers will abandon it faster than a sinking ship.
I guess pretty much what I'm getting at is that your style isn't helping out the reader in anyway. Also, not trying to be rude here, that style just comes off as lazy uninterested writing. Where you just want to write up a quick bunch of things real fast to get the bare minimum of story told and call it a day. If you were trying to write something to be published in the world of literature every editor would probably tell you a similar thing. Improve your style. This isn't a television show, it isn't even a video game, it's a story. And when telling a story the reader must get more from the writer than just random jump cuts every few sentences.
It's the same reason why some directors are considered hacks and shouldn't be working, they don't edit their films properly and they come off as totally messy.
Comments from author:
1) If you read the fic, you have noticed that in no moment she said Canterlot, she said the Castle. And regarding the narrative dialog, it's a thing of style. I'm presenting the players, and trying to create a bit of mistery about who and what they want and what they know, and what did happened in the past.
2) The scenes with Trixie are there to show that she is in a funk, and that she isn't as bad of a person as we could imagine after seeing "Boat Busters", the episode where she appears. It's simple characterization. Lyra and Bon-Bon are about the same, characterization, so the reader is familar with the version of them that I'm going to use, and to show that gay couples don't face discrimination in Equestria (plot point later)
3) Why does Twilight know all of that? Well, she is a bookworm, and basically after Nightmare Moon, she studied several old books of prophecies to see if some of then could apply to the present.
Some of you critics are fair (you are not the first to complain about my jumpy style), but others seem to only stem from not having read the fic carefully (like the Canterlot complain), or simply from not knowing the plot. Trixie is going to have importance later in the fic, as well as Lyra's obsession with humans.
1)That's the point! I have precisely that in mind, how in the seven hells does she know about that? When you are reading a Sherlock Homes story, do you want to know who the murderer is in the first page? It's there to baffle the reader who, like you, know about the setting. If you want, it's a Chekov's gun.
2) Mea culpa in this issue. I wrote the first chapters in a bout of inspiration, and I didn't expand much on the scenes as I wrote them. When somebody in another place where I'm posting this pointed exactly the same thing, I went back and started to expand (and rearrange) scenes, but I have a lot of projects underway (my other three stories here, a TNG/WH40k and a ISOT scenario in an alternate history board, as well as my first serious original fiction). And If I sounded a bit irked, you sounded (to me) a bit patronizing.
3) See 2). One of the things that I'm going to expand upon in the prologue is a scene with the Scoobies before all of this, setting (but not telling, that's for a later flashback) how they ended in Equestria, and another with Twilight in Canterlot pre-series finding a copy of the entire prophecies, while looking for another mention of "The Mare in the Moon" prophecy of the pilot (which is one of teh prophecies of the Oracle, that nobody understood until Nightmare Moon).
Review By [Sithicus
] • Date [30 Sep 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Prologue" from Jaylynn
Curious cross but intrigued by it so I keep reading the updates and now I'm hooked and want to see how they handle being ponies and if they stay that way and if they will want to stay that way.
Comments from author:
At the moment they are too weirded out to really think about it. Once that they have time to calm out and think...
Review By [Jaylynn
] • Date [28 Sep 12] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter 2" from AllenPitt
ok. Weirdest crossover yet. Congrats! And to think, it's all Andrew's fault.
Comments from author:
Well, it's a plotbunny that appeared one day in my head and couldn't leave. And being Andrew fault... it is, and it isn't, it's a long story.
Review By [AllenPitt
] • Date [28 Sep 12] • Not Rated