Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Kethric
"...a year or two out of college"
That phrase implies Fury, Nick Fury of all people, doesn't know how long the agent reporting to him has been out of college. Nick Fury probably knows down to the hour.
Typically, when names and nicknames are given, it's in the following format: Jonathan "Johnny" Storm. Typically. It's weird seeing "Johnny" before "Jonathan" when you have Wyatt getting his next assignment.
How do you judge a nationality by sight? Even after hearing someone, it's hard to make some of the judgments you made. Mexican? I have to shoot that down because many Central and some South Americans look and sound like Mexicans. Chinese and Taiwan? One is a nationality, one is a nation. To make it even better, it's not so much an ethnic difference betwixt the two, but a political one. The Taiwanese wanted democracy, and fought to get it via what was essentially a civil war (oh, and if you *really* want to nitpick what I just said, yes, there were aboriginal Taiwanese, but after four centuries of Chinese immigration, they've been pretty thoroughly assimilated, especially since they weren't that strikingly different to begin with. It's a similar situation to the Ainu people in Japan). Those are the ones that stand out, but it's typically rather difficult to see a person (the verbiage you used) and pick an ethnicity. Even being able to hear them (making "observe" a better word choice than "see") would have limited usefulness. People from South Africa sound remarkably Dutch, since, you know, it was a Dutch colony, so visual evidence could conflict with aural evidence. Another factor to consider is in many western countries, extensive ethnic populations and adoption exist. Consider Marcus Samuelsson (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Samuelsson
) in that he looks Ethiopian, but speaks English with a slight Swedish accent, because he was adopted and raised by a Swedish family. British and Australian will also look and sound similar, enough so that one would have to be intimately familiar with both accents to tell them apart by speech. Egyptian and Middle East? Nationality and geographic region, and again, visually and aurally, they are very similar. It may have been better to simply state that the girls were of various ethnic and national origins. I applaud the attempt to be precise, but this attempt lacked consistency and accuracy.
I say much of that lengthy paragraph, because my friends often refer to me as "vaguely ethnic" because literally no one has *ever* come close to guessing my ethnic background. The most common attempts are Mexican and Samoan, and well, that's just not even remotely close. Even the first language I learned to speak (Japanese) isn't much of a clue, because my dad was USAF.
Decent story, but a few simple changes could make it so much better. Although it may sound like I hated it, I don't. I just see some points it could be better, and have no desire to get into the mechanical issues such as punctuation errors. They are there, but they aren't significant enough to detract from the story. Thanks for an enjoyable few minutes of story reading.
Review By [Kethric
] • Date [20 Nov 12] • Rating [8 out of 10]