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Hero? No I'm a Heroine!

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Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Oxnate
Review:
Interesting. Just to let you know, there is a Fable category. It's under Games • Fantasy • Fable.

I tell you for two reasons. One: so you can move this to the correct category. (In your Author Panel, click Edit Story Details)

Secondly: so you can read the other Fable stories. Hopefully so you can avoid telling the same stories as them as most of your readers have probably read most of the stories there.

Good Luck to you.
Review By [Oxnate] • Date [19 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Meetings and Preparations" from Riniko
Review:
Don't really have a problem with the chapter size if you are going to post more often. The game being developed after 1997 is also not a issue, AU different world so different dates for some tech, games, etc. I am just glad to see Willow being used as a focus of the Halloween spell. That her abilities will continue to grow due to the games xp design is great.
Review By [Riniko] • Date [9 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Meetings and Preparations" from DarthPayne
Review:
Something to do with fire i think...

There are a lot of vampires in SunnyD after all, and vamps burn very easily...
Review By [DarthPayne] • Date [9 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Meetings and Preparations" from (Current Donor)DeacBlue
Review:
In general, not too bad. Occasionally, your characterization is spot-on. However, your story has issues of varying degree.

First, and this is somewhat minor, your premise is anachronistic. You're positing Willow, in 1997, dressing as a character from a game that came out in 2004. This isn't a huge deal, but you really should let people know about the inconsistency in your Author's Note.

I'll note what other reviewers have, that your chapters are fairly short, around 600 words each. That, in itself, isn't a horrible thing - my own chapters average about 1500 words. What you need to keep an eye on is that these chapters tell complete mini-stories themselves. While I understand, since this is YAHF, you might want to skimp on details that have been done countless times, you want to keep an eye on how the chapter feels and show how these details affect your protagonist. As long as you keep that in mind, no big deal. Having said that, you don't really end your first chapter, you leave her after she's barred the library(a practical impossibility, given the design of the Sunnydale High Library), and then you pick her up, somewhere in the aether, thinking about Jane's memories. Show us where she went to and how she got there, even if it's just going unconscious and waking up in her room.

Probably the biggest issue, both in characterization and plot, is how you have Giles act and react on Halloween. You have him glance up, and automatically know that a) they've been turned into their costumes, and b) that the problem is the costume shop where they purchased the costumes. This is known as being a bit of a Mary Sue. While there are other, arguably better ways around it, there are two straightforward ways to deal with this:

The first is to simply add five words after Giles looks up - "After Cordelia explained the situation," It takes care of your immediate problem, and most of your readers will understand.

The second is to have Cordelia explain the situation, and have Giles pull the facts from her. This has the added benefit of showing, not telling, and bringing your audience into your world with you.


On characterization, you're all over the map. There are significant stumbles, most involving the fact that you're dealing with late 20th century California characters. Those include the "jerry" remark by Buffy, which would have worked well if you had had her assume a British accent for it, and the boy in chapter two saying, "Miss," which kids of that time wouldn't - they'd either say, "Hey," or omit the honorific altogether.

You have both your biggest stumble and your best example, as far as characterization goes, in the Scooby meeting. Giles would never have remarked only on Willow as a distraction - at this point, he's trying to bring both her and Xander to the sidelines, and since both she and Xander got combat abilities - you see where I'm going. But Willow's reaction to it - very, very good.

There are other elements which could be taken one way or the other, but it's your story. And so far, not too bad.
Comments from author:
Thank you for the constructive criticism.
Review By [(Current Donor)DeacBlue] • Date [9 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Meetings and Preparations" from DragonBard
Review:
I really dislike short chapters, unless you're planning on updating daily.

Interesting story so far though.
Review By [DragonBard] • Date [9 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Meetings and Preparations" from MadHobbit
Review:
good start, I too prefer short chapters.
Review By [MadHobbit] • Date [9 Mar 14] • Rating [7 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Meetings and Preparations" from Wise
Review:
I want to like this story. It's got potential. But it has a serious problem: your chapters are way too short to be taken seriously.

A few paragraphs does not a chapter make. A chapter should have a coherent narrative with a specific direction, or at least be a coherent treatment of a particular subject. It should be written in a way that is interesting, and which keeps the attention of the reader. When a reader finishes a chapter, she or he should be eager to start the next one, and should probably be cursing you for not having already posted the next one.

Take out a book you like and read a chapter. Examine the dramatic structure of said chapter. Consider its length. Is there a notable story arc contained within the chapter? What is it moving towards? Alternately, consider an episode in a television series. Typically, each of these, while connecting to the rest of the series, has an internally consistent, coherent story which reaches a resolution at the end. It's more than just "the few paragraphs I wrote and posted." It's the primary division of a story, a tool for the writer, and it should be employed well, deliberately, and carefully.
Comments from author:
Thank you for the constructive criticism, I'll try to keep that in mind as I write future chapters.
Review By [Wise] • Date [8 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Meetings and Preparations" from ShalaDakiri
Review:
First Will ability? Fireball. She doesn't want to be a liability, so she'll probably start with a flashy, offensive ability and IIRC fire works against most of the Sunnydale nasties. Or she could start with spell shield, assassin rush, or heal and abuse the XP gain.
Review By [ShalaDakiri] • Date [8 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Diaries and Memories" from MistofRainbows
Review:
Interesting start so far. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this and what she can do with her guild seal.
Review By [MistofRainbows] • Date [6 Mar 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Traveler
Review:
A good start. I am interested in where you will take it, therefore please continue.
Review By [Traveler] • Date [21 Feb 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Jobi
Review:
A little choppy, but I'm very interested on seeing where you take this.
Review By [Jobi] • Date [20 Feb 14] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Recent Donor)tchizek
Review:
Oh wow, I have read other fics where Xander dressed up as a Hero. But Willow as a Heroine is Great!

Tom.
Review By [(Recent Donor)tchizek] • Date [20 Feb 14] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from Bobboky
Review:
Cool
Review By [Bobboky] • Date [19 Feb 14] • Not Rated
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