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Buffy and the British Secret Service

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Review of chapter "Chapter One" from DanaShort
Review:
Hey there.

Nice idea. But like your Battlestar Galactica story, you need to expand ALOT.

At least you aren't one line to what should be a page like you are on that one. But you really do need to add more meat to what is basically an outline of a story.

I mean, read this, and tell me what you think:

Dana was sad.

He looked at the screen, then sent the file with a smirk.

That would take care of the coke can. He put the pizza in the frige but couldn't see the cat on the yellow counter.

"Look at the cheese" she told them.

Now all he needed was a box.



Ok, that's a story. Next time I'll expand the rest. And until I do, it really doesn't make much sense, does it?

Please, I want you to write stuff I will like to read. I'm glad you haven't quit and gone away to hide, but you need to try and write the story parts longer, with much more detail. (Despite what the other reviewer said, I liked your mentioning Buffy's hair. It helped describe a bit, but there is so much more to "see" even in that scene. Please show it to me!)

Dana...
Review By [DanaShort] • Date [13 Jan 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from (Moderator)acs
Review:
There are so many problems with this ficlet... I'm not sure where to begin.

1. Where is your disclaimer?

2. I don't believe MI6 is called the "British Secret Service"

3. Your first couple sentences read like a book report. You need to say more. It looks like we're missing a large number of paragraphs that would explain what is going on or at least set the stage for the story.

4. If Willow didn't finish the spell... where did the portal come from? Why does the portal end up in London?

5. Why do you keep using "now" ?

6. Why are you telling us Buffy has blonde hair? We already know that if we know it is her.

7. Why is Buffy talking to "M"? Any unauthorized person found wandering around MI6/Universal Exports is going to find themselves in a cell being interrogated, not talking with the head honcho.

8. 00 agents aren't going to be found wandering around headquarters with guns.

9. Buffy gets dragged back from being dead and the first thing she does is tell someone she doesn't know that she is a slayer/immortal? Not realistic at all. Even in the Buffyverse. And when does she become immortal? How would she even know she's immortal?

10. WHY does "M" think the slayer could be helpful? There is no background here... you need to set up "M"'s comments.

11. The whole meeting with "M"... makes no sense. Buffy responds to questions M doesn't ask... she gets a "job" much too quickly.

Okay... at least you seem to have used a spelling checker... though "hear" and "here" are not the same word.

You might want to spend a little more time fleshing this out and reposting it. There isn't anything really wrong with your idea... but it needs a lot of work...
Review By [(Moderator)acs] • Date [13 Jan 06] • Rating [2 out of 10]
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from alexceasar
Review:
Very interesting beginning. The only suggestion I can make would be to have a little more description to fill it out. Good job.
Review By [alexceasar] • Date [13 Jan 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "Chapter One" from kimbclar
Review:
Interesting premise. I can't wait to read more.
Review By [kimbclar] • Date [13 Jan 06] • Not Rated
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