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A Slayer in the Cupboard

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Summary: The characters from BtVS, Angel and James Bond are 6 inches tall. 'It's A Small World' meets 'Survivor'. It's a Lilliputian massacre.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > James Bond(Recent Donor)KiwikatipoFR18722,4570223,5244 Apr 0718 Apr 07Yes

Tomorrow Never Dies

The Banks Village, Church of England, grey stone, hallowed grounds, didn’t ring exactly, more like squeaked, with the shrill screams of pain, from a tortured Prom Angel.

“Puppy needs a bath.” Vamp Willow lowered eagerly the tied up with cello-tape Angel, into the font of Holy Water once more.

“Argh, Argh!” Prom Angel writhed in agony as his bare feet were dangled into the water.

“I like what you did with the Lego set, Will.” Vamp Xander praised his red headed partner in darkness.

Willow noted with approval the pulley and hoist system she had devised using the brightly colored plastic blocks. “The construction set came in mucho handy, true.”

“Stop! For the loveiness of god, like stop.” Vampire Buffy and Ripper rushed into the main part of the church. They had spent the last two months trying to find the three vampires.

“Another one with a soul!” Willow released the rope and let Angel fall completely into the baptismal fount. The water bubbled as a screaming Angel was dissolved as if by acid. “I’ll call this one, ‘kitten’.”

Xander smirked and effortlessly deflected Rippers parry with his sword. “And I’m gonna call this one, ‘dinner’.”

***

Queen C. recovered from yet another thigh trembling climax. She pulled the bed covers around her selfishly, leaving Rogue Demon Hunter Wesley without blankets. Men had a higher body temperature than women it wasn’t like he needed any. It was summer anyhow.

“So it looks like Vamp Buffy and Ripper are goners?” Cordelia grabbed the cut down giant matchbox striking section, she used as a nail file. “Two weeks, since we’ve heard from them.”

“Unfortunately, yes.” Rogue Demon Hunter Wesley, folded his arms as he lay naked and cold beside her. “Cordelia, I don’t think this relationship is working.”

“Yeah.” Cordelia agreed sadly, examining her perfect nails. “You don’t compliment me on how hot I am, enough.”

“Quite. So I suppose… human Dad Angel for you?” Rogue Demon Hunter Wesley got out of bed and began to dress in relief.

“Yeah, now that he’s Shanshued after that battle with the rats two days ago. I think there’s a spark.” Cordelia smiled to herself. It wasn’t like he wanted Joan Buffy.

***

Two weeks later, found Joan-Buffy redecorating her bedroom. “Wild horses, couldn’t drag me away.” She sang to herself happily, applying the brush from a giant bottle of paper fluid corrector to her room’s walls, to make them more cheerful.

Unshaven Wesley came into her room. Now that Fred had begun her affair with Q. there was no one left but Joan-Buffy or Miss Moneypenny for him to mate with. Both were blonds, not his type, and Miss Moneypenny was pregnant with Scottish Bond’s child.

Unshaven Wesley wasn’t too keen on the concept of Joan-Buffy and himself as an item, and neither was Joan-Buffy, they didn’t have much in common. On the other hand he hadn’t had sex in over seven months. God, if only Kennedy and Tara weren’t gay. If only Dawn was ten years older.

“Buffy,” he began coolly. “I’ve admired the way you’ve got your head out of your …, er ….. You’re a very attractive young woman.”

“Hold it right there. You’re beneath me, Wesley. I can’t get over what a nerd you were, when you first came to Sunnydale. I think Angel and I are still large with a chance, even if I don’t want to be a step mom.” Joan-Buffy pulled dried flecks of White Out from her hair.

“I just passed Angel and Queen C. holding hands in the souvenir shop.” Wesley announced grimly. “She loves kids, remember?”

“Well, you’re psycho, um, what about Rogue Demon Hunter…?” Joan-Buffy resigned herself to life with one of the Wesleys'.

“Saw him and Faithie, putting on a stomach turning display of public affection in the main living area. Dawn told them it was gross.”

“Damn!” Joan-Buffy screwed her brush back into the bottle of White Out. “Maybe Oz and Willow will break up next week. She has to realize she’s gay soon. I’m not giving up on a miracle.”

“Miracles never happen, Joan-Buffy.” Wesley stepped towards her. “It’s only you and me left, unfortunately.”

“Hey, guess what!” Dawn rushed into Joan-Buffy’s room. “A hot blond stranger, has just entered the grounds of the train museum! And he’s our size!”

At the outskirts of the train museums grounds, reveling in the warm summer sunshine, Faith picked wild parsley, fortunately the Bonds' with their military training, and Anya with her wise woman witch knowledge, could spot edible weeds.

Irish Bond came up to her with a giant daisy. “For you.”

“Corny, James.” Faith tucked the huge flower safely into the bodice of her maternity smock made from a man’s handkerchief.

“We could pull off a petal, one at a time to see if we love one another, but I thought it wisest to leave it intact.” Irish Bond helped her carry the parsley and walk back to the main part of the museum.

“Yeah.” Faith smiled guiltily up at him. She was totally prepared to love him, the second after she gave birth to whatever was inside her. If he was prepared to still love her.

The couple came into the main living area to find it crowded with everyone in their community.

“James!” A handsome blond man in his mid-thirties was hugging Irish Bond fiercely. “I can’t believe it, my best friend here, of all places.”

“Alec.” Irish Bond returned the 006’s embrace warmly. “So you didn’t die in Russia?”

“No. Been in a Gulag there, the whole time. Only escaped the week before I got to this giant dimension.” Alec Trevalyan explained casually. “I was attending an embassy party in Austria, and then suddenly transported magically to a giant pink plastic church. Been living off the land ever since. And you’re going to be a dad, I hear?”

“Yes. This is Faith.” Irish Bond said smoothly. “Just excuse me for a minute would you? Be right back.”

Joan-Buffy batted her eyelashes at the newcomer Alec. He was a hottie as Dawn described. He was English unfortunately, but Joan-Buffy could overlook this common fault, shared by over half the men here.

Irish Bond came back into the main room, produced his Walther PPK and held it to Alec’s forehead. “Pity you didn’t get shot point blank in the head by your pal, Colonel Ourumov, the first time around, you traitor.”

“So is this for England, James?” Alec looked at him unafraid.

Everyone in the main room froze horrified. Time differences could influence how you felt about someone definitely.

“No, this is for me.” Irish Bond pulled the trigger and caught Alec’s corpse so he wouldn’t fall on top of Anya. “Couldn’t have a bastard like you running loose, with my kid on the way.”

Irish Bond explained away his execution of Alec in more detail to Faith later, as they lay in bed together that night. “I simply can’t bear people that betray, Faith.”

“I’m hearing you.” Faith rested her head on his shoulder affectionately. Oh fuck! Thank god, Darla was tied up, under the kitchen sink. Darla might be her only chance to get out of this stupid mess she’d gotten herself into.

***

Two months later, Dawn tried to tempt Darla with some mouse blood that Joan-Buffy and her new boyfriend, Unshaven Wesley, had gone to great trouble to get for her.

“Let me go!” Darla grimaced. “Or offer me your teenage neck. I’m tired of drinking mouse blood.”

“Ungrateful, much? That’s all there is. Slurp it or like leave it.” Dawn held up the container of mouse blood for Darla again.

Darla vamped out and began to drink the liquid thirstily. They were all just waiting for her to go into labor so they could chop off her head and have her baby. Meanies. Darla didn’t know what to do. Her contractions had started an hour ago. She managed to hide it, but she thought Faith guessed. Faith had been checking up on her more than human Angel had.

Dawn left Darla in the kitchen cupboard and walked over to the main living area. The only slayer left in the community tonight was Faith. Every other slayer was desperately trying to track down vampire Willow and Xander. The two vicious vampires, narrowly escaped Kendra and Unshaven Wesley last month, by beheading Vamp Buffy with a steak knife.

Dawn smiled shyly at Oz. He had to break up with Willow sooner or later and then she could have a boyfriend. Unless Kendra died, then Dawn could start dating Soldier-Xander.

“Hey Dawn.” Oz smiled at her, unawares of her long term intentions towards him.

“Where’s Faith?” Anya asked from where she played a hand drawn snakes and ladders game with Joyce.

“In bed with Irish Bond again. Her hormones are really up apparently. Icky, I know, like the stew I’m gonna make y’all.” Fred resumed plucking a sparrow for tonight’s dinner.

In their bedroom Faith pressed Irish Bond’s head firmly against her groin. Shit, she so needed to get off, so she’d start her contractions and go into labor, but it was so important that she did, she was finding it hard to relax enough to come in the first place.

Irish Bond’s incredible Secret Agent oral love making technique (MI6 provided a manual) won through, after much patient work on his part and Faith climaxed noisily.

Irish Bond wriggled up her body, mindful of her baby bulge, expecting a post coital cuddle.

Faith nestled into his embrace for a minute, a contraction gripped her. Yes! Yes!

“Just gonna take a walk, see ya at dinner time in two hours.” Faith put her clothes on and waddled innocently from their room. Once in the foyer of the train station museum, Faith sprinted with all her ungainly might through the souvenir shop, and into to the staff kitchen, by the time she had flung open the kitchen cupboard door, her contractions were coming eight minutes apart.

Darla was inside, fidgeting with the discomfort of her contractions. She stopped instantly when she saw Faith. She wiggled her stumps, innocently. “Uh, phantom leg pain.”

“We both know that’s bullshit, Darla.” Faith panted, clutching her abdomen.

Faith closed the kitchen cupboard behind her and bolted it shut.

The sun set in red and gold twilight glory over the museum, two figures emerged from the soft dirt of the flower bed they had been hiding in.

“I want a new dress.” Vamp Willow felt the blue and white gingham dress she wore, liberated from a giant baby doll, was not her somehow.

“I want human type O.” Xander held out his hand to her as they climbed over the ornamental stone edge of the garden. “Let’s go and get some.”

Willow and Xander crept towards the train museum building. A public place, they could enter it with ease. They found the grating the community used for entry in and out of the building and removed the grille. They tiptoed in an evil way, through the foyer of the museum.

Tara emerged from underneath a display stand with Miss Moneypenny, the two women chatting about ponies.

Willow and Xander nodded at each other - perfect.

“Tara!” Irish Bond emerged from his bedroom. “Have you seen Faith?”

“No.” Tara scratched her head. “Have you asked Q?”

Vamp Willow and Vamp Xander frowned at each other. People were emerging from their bedrooms, hidden in various places around the museum and gathering in the foyer, ready to walk into the kitchen and then behind the pot bellied stove for dinner.

There were too many to handle. Crap.

They were going to have to wait for their dinner until the selfish humans finished theirs first.

In the dark of the kitchen cupboard, Faith breathed deeply, through the pain of her contractions.

“What are you doing here?” Darla hissed through her own pain, struggling furiously against the string she was tied up with. “Shouldn’t you be with Mrs. Summers or that annoying ex-demon, having them hold your hand and boil hot water?”

Faith shook her head furiously, clutching the sword she’d brought with her. “I can do this by myself. Ouch.”

Faith could hear voices calling for her frantically. Tough shit. It probably wasn’t anything important.

***

“Eeek!” Miss Moneypenny squealed, as she ran around in circles, skirting a giant mouse trap left on the kitchen floor by a museum attendant, brassed off that his cheese sandwich went missing one day. Vamp Xander chased her, amused, toying with her.

Vamp Willow had got hold of one of the Bond’s automatics and was holding everyone else at bay.

“As Mayor, I insist you stop.” Anya ordered the two vampires curtly.

“Who made you Mayor, lady?” Soldier Xander asked crossly.

“Well it seems a sensible title to call me.” Anya sniffed. “Has no one got a crossbow on them?”

Everyone shook their heads.

“Pathetic.” Anya disapproved.

“I’ve got a broken piece of a giant ruler with me.” Sixteen year old Willow offered.

Vamp Willow decided to shoot sixteen year old Willow for fun. Her automatic had no bullets, it turned out.

“Oh fuck.” Vamp Willow swallowed, as the angry mob swarmed her and Xander.

Tara and Fred jokingly argued afterwards, which one of them had dusted Vamp Willow.

“I had the matchstick, by golly.” Fred clapped Tara on the back.

“I had the toothpick.” Tara counterclaimed grinning.

Joyce Summers clearly beheaded Vamp Xander with her piece of broken glass attached to a plastic straw. Everyone gave her a round of applause.

Two babies wails could be heard, coming from the kitchen cupboard.

An ashen faced Faith emerged, holding two tiny newborn babies in her arms, wrapped in ripped off pieces of her handkerchief maternity smock. Faith had needed to cut her baby’s umbilical cord with her sword.

“Dear god, Faith. I wondered where you were.” Irish Bond dashed up to her.

“Ours is a girl, and so was Darla’s. She’s dust, Darla I mean. I cut off her head, myself.” Faith showed Irish Bond their baby’s blue eyes. All babies had blue eyes of course. But their baby was completely Celtic looking all over, much to Faith’s vast relief.

Dad Angel took the blond haired, baby girl, born from Darla in his arms. “I wish I still had my vampire sense of smell. She looks just like Darla. Who is the father, I wonder?”

“Spike.” Oz sniffed the new born baby carefully. “Sorry, man.”

“It’s okay, she’s my daughter now.” Dad Angel held the baby carefully, she was so sweet. Queen C. started to goo over it.

Faith looked horrified over at the teenage werewolf, dear god, she’d never considered Oz in her Machiavellian scheme, to substitute Darla’s baby for hers, in case Faith’s baby turned out to be fathered by Robin Wood. “Holy Crap! You can sniff who’s related to each other, bud?”

“Yeah.” Oz shifted uncomfortably. “It’s just never come up, before.”

“Are you alright, darling?” Irish Bond caught a fainting Faith in his arms.

“Holy Moley, this is great!” Anya the community’s civic leader, announced with pride, over the newborn babies screams. “Why for the first time in the nine and a half months since we’ve been here in this land of the giants. Our population’s finally gone up!”


THE END

AN: Why no Gunn? Can you believe they’ve never made an action figure of him, and they’re releasing one of Robin Wood?

The End

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