Age of Heroes:
For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic
A BTVS/DC/Marvel/Smallville Crossover
Spoilers: BTVS Seasons 1-7+General background of 8th (Comic)
Misery Business by Heather Sinclair
Disclaimer: This story and any content relating to the WB/CW/UPN, Joss Weadon, Mutant Enemy, and Smallville franchises is not authorized by Tollin/Robbins Productions, Millar Gough Ink, DC Comics, WB, or CW. I own my computer.
Author's Note: This story is set in the Age of Heroes universe of which Smallville was the setting. Characters introduced from the Marvel and DC Universes will be 'Smallvilled' in their origins much like the characters Impulse, Cyborg, and Aquaman. It isn't necessary
to have read Misery Business to understand what is going on, but it will definitely help in some of the back stories.
X-Apparently-To: firstname.lastname@example.org via 22.214.171.124; Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:08:56 -0800
Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Subject: re: An Offer
Your offer has been accepted. Terms as discussed. Fifty percent payment due immediately to aforementioned account. Remainder due upon completion.
Confirmation of first deposit initializes mission. Mission parameters may not be changed after mission onset.
"Look, Miss Perky-Tits, I don't want a mocha. I don't want a vanilla. I don't want a crap-achino. I just want a freakin' big cup of coffee to go – black. No sugar, no milk, no freakin' joy juice. Just a plain ole everyday American cup 'o joe." Faith leaned into the counter and laid her four bucks on the register. "Now turn around and scamper off."
The teen girl squinched up her face and made change for a large to-go and turned to the brew-o-matic trying desperately to remember how to start the brewer for the first time in a week.
Faith leaned back and crossed her arms as she watched to make sure the twit behind the counter didn't spit in her cup when she heard someone huff behind her. She turned her head and saw a thirty-something tapping his credit card on the palm of his opposing hand and giving her an impatient face.
"Back off, Potsie."
Potsie's eyes dropped to Faith's exposed cleavage pushed together by tight black sleeveless neoprene top with an exposed silver zipper that would make it possible to expose said cleavage even more if given the opportunity.
He audibly gulped and dropped his credit card to the tiled floor at Faith's steel-toed Harley Davidson boots.
"Your coffee, ma'am," said the cashier.
Faith turned back and saw a twinkle in the girl's eye. She took the proffered cup, looked down at the lid, and then back up. "If I take this lid off and find anything other than coffee in here I'm climbing over that counter and kicking your ass; you know that, right?"
The girl, again, squinched up her face as she grabbed the cup back immediately tossing it in the garbage and then filled a fresh cup.
Faith looked down at Potsie kneeling on the floor holding his credit card again. His eyes were lost on Faith's black painted-on drainpipe stretch jeans as they performed their intended purpose across her ass.
She rolled her eyes, grabbed the coffee and turned away to the door. "Jesus, if it's this hard to get a freakin' cup of coffee then I'm off the wagon starting tonight."
The disgruntled Slayer stepped out onto the sidewalk and made her way a few steps to her motorcycle setting the coffee in the holder at the head of the gas tank. She eyed the graveyard in the distance, about a quarter mile behind the empty lot across the street.
'Another hour and it's time to get busy,' she thought to herself.
A high-powered rifle sounded from the graveyard and before Faith's eyes had a chance to focus on the exact location someone jumped out of nowhere in front of her throwing her arm up.
The seven point six two M118 long range armor piercing round ricocheted off the chrome looking cannon shield that the very tall woman was wearing on both of her forearms.
"Jesus!" Faith yelled as she dove to the side behind a neon green Hummer that was parked at the curb.
She scrambled to a crouch behind the front tire and watched as the woman in a grey hoodie waited.
"Get the hell down, lady!" yelled Faith.
The lady paid Faith no heed and waited knowing what was to happen.
Her arm blurred as another round was spent and wasted in another ricochet.
Faith's eyes widened as she just realized that the tall chick was batting the freakin' bullets away.
Her explicative was wasted only on herself as the lady took off at a run across the street. Faith chanced a look over the hood and watched as the lady was running at Slayer speed.
"Oh, hell no. I am not gonna be saved by a Slayerette. Buff would never let me hear the end of it."
At that Faith sprinted at top speed trailing the tall lady across the street and over the chain-link fence dodging the stray dog and leaping over the fence on the opposite side. Before either of them had even made it to the graveyard the sound of screeching tires let themselves be known and Faith watched as a black sportscar raced down the street away from her and the lady who saved her life.
She came to a stop steps behind the grey clad woman. "What the hell, stretch?"
The woman turned around and her face went from determined to relaxed and a small smile made itself known. "Greetings, Faith Lehane."
Faith's eyes bugged. "Where the hell did you hear that name?" she threatened.
The Slayer watched as the woman pulled her sleeves down to cover the canon armor on her forearms. "You are Faith Lehane, are you not?"
Faith's eyes narrowed. "I don't know what Giles' has been drinking lately but my name is Faith – no Lehane—no Spencer – no nothing else, toots. Just Faith."
The tall black-haired lady nodded once in apology. "I ask your forgiveness."
Faith crooked an eyebrow. "Uh right."
"I am Diana."
The Slayer looked behind the woman to double check and make sure the black car wasn't making a return trip. "So who sent'cha? Buff? She have a Slayer dream or somethin'?"
Faith's eyes tracked back to Diana. "Who? Is that a new Watcher or something?"
Diana took on a serine smile. "The Goddess Artemis."
Diana clarified. "The Goddess Artemis, mother of the hunt, daughter of Zeus and Leto, sister to Apollo."
At that both of Faith's eyebrows shot up abruptly and her hands came up in relaxed defense, palms facing out. "Riiight. Look Di, I think someone hasn't had their Thorazine tonight. So what say we get you back to the hospital you broke out of and the nice doctors can give you a happy pill, 'kay."
Diana set her hands inside her hoodie and continued with her knowing smile. "You may verify my intentions with your elders if you will."
The Slayer was getting more than a little creeped out at the strange woman in front of her. "Cool, and if you don't check out we check you in, right?"
Diana blinked slowly and scanned the area.
Faith fished her cell from her front pocket and turned it on. Before she even had a chance to pull up her directory a notification beeped in.
15 New Messages
"Crap," she sighed.
She thumbed the note away, pulled up Giles' private line and hit send. A couple of clicks and a beep later and the connection overseas was going through. The other line only rang once before it was answered with a panicked Rupert Giles.
"Yo, 'sup boss," she answered in a nonchalant voice.
"Dear Lord woman, do you never turn on that infernal contraption?"
A smirk appeared on the Slayer's face. "Don't really want someone calling during Faith's fun time if you get my meaning, Jeeves."
She heard a huff on the other end. "Your sexual promiscuities aside, Faith, you are in great danger."
"Uh huh, already did the JFK thing and one of your Slayerettes stepped up, and if you tell B I got saved by a wannabe then I'm coming over to personally shove this cell phone in a very uncomfortable place."
A defined pause drew out the next five seconds. "Hi Faith," chimed in a familiar blonde ex-cheerleader. You're on speaker. Xander's here. Oh, and Kennedy too," she was answered in a very cheerful tone.
Faith flinched and her eyes fluttered in disgust as her jaw set.
"Did Diana tell you everything yet?" Buffy asked in a very amused voice.
The brunette Slayer tilted her neck to the side in a vain attempt to crack her neck. "Yeah, stretch here says she's on a mission from God or something."
"And she ain't lyin' there," came Xander's voice.
Giles' voice returned "This afternoon the council's seers foresaw the attempt on your life and the intervention of a woman of … of … where is that report?"
"Oops, sorry here," Xander offered.
"Xander, must you always stain every report with… what is this--pizza?"
"Lasagna," Xander returned. "Hey, it was Ken's fault. If she hadn't … oww!"
"Here," Giles continued. "A woman sent by the gods."
Faith's eyes flicked up to meet the knowing blue eyes of the woman standing across from her. "So she's legit?"
"The seers were very specific about her presence, her name… Faith you must be respectful to this person; she is royalty." Before Faith had a chance to get a word in Giles droned on. "You are to complete a quest with the princess. She will be your companion possibly for the next year."
The Slayers eyes went wide. "What? You're shitting me."
Giles voice came back in monotone. "How colorful."
"And who's watchin' out for …" Faith looked around. "Where the hell am I?"
"Chattanooga, Tennessee," replied Giles.
"Yeah," confirmed Faith. "Who's doin' the slay gig here."
Giles sighed. "Continue your patrol this evening. Victory Chance will relieve you tomorrow."
"Victory?" she questioned.
Xander chimed in. "Hey, she's a winner… oww!"
"That was lame even for you, Harris."
Faith couldn't take anymore and flipped the phone closed. "So, quest?"
"Indeed," answered Diana. "We begin tomorrow."
They took the long way around the fenced in area back to Faith's motorcycle. The sound of sirens in the distance put a little more pep in the Slayer's step.
"You got a ride?"
Diana shook her head. Faith straddled the seat and stuck her key in the ignition and lit up the ride. She gunned the throttle once and looked over to the tall woman.
Diana did as instructed and set her boot heels on the back pins. Not seeing anywhere to hold her balance she squeezed her thighs together against the seat.
Faith shook her head. "Put your hands around my waist and hold on, stretch."
The Slayer kicked the stand back and popped the clutch sending Diana reeling until she straightened her back and tightened her grip on Faith's abs. Her hood slipped off after a few seconds and her hair went flying behind her as she smiled at the speed.
They drove around for a while to lose themselves in traffic and the downtown buildings until it was time to patrol. Faith pulled onto a side street and behind the groundskeepers shed where she stopped the bike and killed the engine.
Diana's hands slid back following Faith's hips until she ultimately let go and slipped to one side, dismounting.
"Were you a virgin?" Faith teased.
The tall woman blushed slightly. "I have not been a virgin for many years."
The Slayer laughed. "I meant was it your first time on a motorcycle, but hey if you feel like sharing, what the hell."
Diana's face reddened even more. "Yes, you treated me to my first experience on a motorcycle."
Faith smiled with pride. "Sweet, another cherry popped."
She squatted by the black hard-leather saddlebags on the back of the bike and withdrew two stakes. "Got your tools or you need a loan?"
"I'm armed, thank you."
They walked in companionable silence for a few rows. The evening was cool and the moon, though half full, was high in the sky.
"So, you get called with the rest of the Slayerettes or what?"
"Called," the tall woman asked.
"Yeah, you know, Slayer; duty calls and all that."
Diana nodded in understanding. "I am not a Slayer, Faith. I am an Amazon."
Faith stopped and looked up and down Diana's body. "Huh, guess that explains the taller than the average bear thing."
After a few more rows Diana asked, "Are we looking for any grave in particular?"
Faith dug in her back pocket and withdrew a torn piece of newspaper, specifically a portion of the obituary page, and handed it to the princess. Diana unfolded the offering and scanned the article.
"Clifford Parsons died from falling on his barbeque fork and subsequent blood loss," she said as she read the article. "How odd."