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I Kissed a Girl

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This story is No. 2 in the series "Ultimate Crazyverse". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Mary Jane Watson kisses a girl and she likes it. Illyria kisses a girl and she likes it. Peter Parker… it just sucks to be Peter. Covers two challenges AND an FFA. That's mad skills right there, I tell you what.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Marvel Universe > Ultimate Universe(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR1835,9955479,95822 Jun 0815 Feb 09Yes

Chapter One

Title: I Kissed A Girl
Author: JoeHundredaire (
Rating: R/FR18
Disclaimer: Mary Jane Watson and the rest of Earth-1610 (aka the Ultimate Imprint) belongs to people in Marvel, who aren't me. And I'm not Joss Whedon or someone who might be able to legally make money off the Buffyverse. Not mine!
Summary: Mary Jane Watson kisses a girl and she likes it. Illyria kisses a girl and she likes it. Peter Parker… it just sucks to be Peter.
Joe's Note: Blame iTunes for this one. Katy Perry is the #1 single overall on the store right now, so I peeked in because… well, a female singer whose top single is 'I Kissed A Girl'? Giggity. Got the song, wrote the fic, posted the fic. Enjoy. Oh, and for those of you who don't see the disclaimer or know enough about the various Marvel universes to distinguish them from each other, this is Earth-1610 aka the Ultimate Universe, so Peter and Mary Jane are still in high school and just starting to deal with most of Peter's classic villains.

I kissed a girl and I liked it!
The taste of her cherry chapstick…
I kissed a girl just to try it!
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it…
It felt so wrong, it felt so right,
Don't mean I'm in love tonight.
I kissed a girl and I liked it!
I liked it…

     Standing in the New York graveyard, staring at the bubbling mass on the ground, Illyria felt an odd stirring of… curiosity, she believed the human emotion was called. A bit of her shell's personality leaking through yet again, a more and more common occurrence as she spent more time in this modern human world and drew on those sparks of sentience to survive among its people.

     In her day, beings who could survive lightning strikes weren't uncommon. Beings who could call and direct lightning, even, were numerous. But here in this modern age, the fragile muck that crawled over every square inch of the planet were nowhere near as hardy. By all accounts, the adolescent who had thrown himself from a rooftop onto the nearby power lines should have died. Instead, he'd left behind a black, bubbling mass as he struggled to his feet and dragged himself off into the night.

     Bending down, Illyria prodded the odd mess with one finger. Even with her hand covered by the glove of her bodysuit, she was her bodysuit and could feel the heat the goo gave off. It tingled as it slid over her fingers, sticking stubbornly as she pulled her hand away before snapping back into a puddle as she gave a yank and freed herself. A tiny bit remained on her glove and Illyria turned to scrape it off using one of the nearby headstones when she froze.


     Illyria stared down at the black bit clinging stubbornly to her fingertip and tilted her head to the side. It was alive? In the days of her reign, there had been some parasitic and symbiotic demon species. It stood to reason they still existed today, seeing as how they could survive by clinging to the backs of other, stronger demons. In the past, she never would have considered such a thing, but after her resurrection and that damnable Mutara Generator, she was so weak… so pitifully weak. 'What do you offer me, lowly slime, that would make you worthy of being bonded to a being of my greatness?'

     Images bombarded her mind, of a black-clad figure performing feats of incredible strength, absorbing blasts of energy and the muck's bits of flying metal as if they were nothing, and shooting some sort of tendril to swing between buildings. 'Formerhostpowerful. Fearownself. KepthisgiftsIgivetoyou.'

     While they were nothing like her old powers, Illyria undeniably craved power in and of itself. If this… odd goo, which she had come to realize lacked a demonic taint, was able to give her the abilities she had seen in its mental projections, she would take them and use them as if they were her own. 'Agreed. How?'


     Straightforward enough instructions. Illyria dropped to one knee and slammed her fist down into the middle of the puddle. It let out a screech of dismay before surging upward, working its way up her arm before reaching her shoulder and spreading outward. She felt the slightest tingle of what might have been discomfort as it worked its way over her scalp and face but quickly adjusted. This was not her true form; who cared what her new companion was doing to her?

     Looking her body over, Illyria noticed that her new companion had given her a bit of a… makeover, she believed the term she'd heard from the annoying blonde half-breed was. Her bodysuit was hidden beneath a solid black mass, disrupted only by a white patch on the back of each hand and a large, stylized white arachnid stretching across her chest. An odd design, but she assumed it had some significance to the former host of… 'Do you have a name, lowly one?'


     Interesting. Venom. Had she gained some sort of toxic ability out of her new symbiosis? Something to keep in mind and experiment with when she tracked down another demon, Illyria decided. Speaking of which, the night was young and the graveyard she was still standing in had only been the first stop of many on her patrol route. She took one step toward the exit before pausing and looking down at her hand. Her new powers supposedly included a tendril transportation system…

     That night, more than one demon found that it was no longer enough to simply consider two dimensions when looking for danger.

     Mary Jane Watson shivered as she trudged down the sidewalk, slowly but surely making her way home through the driving rain. Times like this made her wish the bus still stopped in front of her house, as it had when she and Peter were younger, or that she was enough of a morning person to think to check the weather so she'd know if she needed an umbrella or heavier coat, or…"

     "Hello, Mary Jane Watson."

     The soaked redhead let out a shriek of surprise as a slightly smaller figure stepped out in front of her, forcing Mary Jane to a halt. A girl, she realized, roughly her own age give or take a year. Mary Jane slowly looked the girl up and down: black boots, a black skirt, matching black tank top… with a white spider on the chest? That was odd. Then again, so were the blue streaks among her brown hair and the slight patches of bluish skin along her hairline. Huh. A mutant. Don't stare at the skin… don't stare at the skin… she's just as human as everyone else… "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

     Shaking her head, the girl stepped to one side and gestured for Mary Jane to pass, falling in beside her as they continued heading towards the redhead's house. "No. Something has happened, though, and now I know quite a bit about you. And I find myself intrigued by what I know." She paused for a moment, returning the inspection that Mary Jane had bestowed upon her, before holding up her right arm. "Would you prefer to get out of the rain for the rest of our walk? I know that most members of your kind dislike rain, although I find it quite refreshing."

     'Your kind'. Definitely a mutant. Still, Mary Jane wasn't going to say no to getting out of the rain even if she was already soaked, and it would be kinda interesting to see someone superhuman up close. Well, without them using said powers to try and kill her. "Sure." As soon as the word left her lips, tendrils began to crawl down the girl's right arm, forming an almost fishnet-esque lattice before reaching her hand and completely covering it. From there, the black mass jetted upward to form the shaft and ribbing of an umbrella. That completed, white webbing erupted from the back of the girl's hand and quickly connected all the gaps, forming a fully formed umbrella for them to huddle under. "Oh… my… God…"

     "I was once. Now, I am simply Illyria. You may refer to me as such." Pausing, Illyria considered that for a moment before clarifying. "That is to say, you may refer to me as 'Illyria'. Not as 'Such'. Andrew Wells is lucky he enjoys the protection of people I would rather not be bothered with, or I would dismember him for having shown me such disrespect."

     Despite finding herself in an increasingly bizarre situation, Mary Jane couldn't help snickering at that statement. It actually sounded like something Peter would… wait… no thinking about Peter. Absolutely not. Peter had been the one to come out and try to tell her who she could be friends with… that Dawn was too dangerous and Mary Jane would get hurt if they hung out together, even going so far as to invoke the Green Goblin as a reminder of what could go wrong. Grr. She could pick her own friends, damnit.

     And what, it was okay to date him and for him to be friends with that blonde slutbomb crashing in the room across the hall, but it was too dangerous for Mary Jane to hang out with Dawn around school and at the mall? Pshaw. Yeah right. Out the door for him. She just wished it didn't hurt so bad…

     Still, she'd thrown him out of her life and she didn't need him. She wasn't one of those weak little girls who judged their own self-worth by who they were dating. So, pushing Peter out of her mind, Mary Jane decided to focus on this odd little mystery before her, if for no better reason than to keep her mind occupied. "So, considering you came out of nowhere with a spider-themed wardrobe, funky powers, and you 'know me'… I'm going to guess this has something to do with Peter. Still, can you explain a bit more? I could make assumptions, but in the words of Ben Parker, when you assume…"

     "…you make an ass out of you and me." Mary Jane looked over at Illyria in shock and the brunette's lips twitched in an odd sort of Mona Lisa half-smile. "You are correct. Your former paramour bonded himself to an organism known as 'Venom'. It made him more powerful, but he feared that power and forced Venom from his body. I have since come into possession of Venom, Peter's powers, and Peter's memories. Meaning I know as much about you as Peter does. Out of the people in his memories, I found you most intriguing and decided to seek you out."

     Mary Jane's jaw dropped. Christ almighty, Peter went through some of the weirdest adventures. Although it did explain his sudden abandonment of the red and blue costumes in favor of black; she'd been wondering if he was so pissed about the break-up that he'd done it just to spite her. Then her mind moved from the inconsequential to the serious and she balked. "So you know everything about me that Peter does?" Illyria nodded. "Prove it."

     Quirking one brow, Illyria gestured to the houses around them. "The fact that I was able to intercept you on your walk home is not proof enough for you?" Mary Jane shrugged before shaking her head. So what, Illyria knew where she and Peter lived. They were neighbors. That didn't mean anything. Maybe she'd just followed Peter home, gone through some of his stuff, found a picture or two of her, and… "When you were in second grade, you went as Power Rangers for Halloween. Peter was the Blue Ranger because he liked that there was a smart hero, and you were the Yellow Ranger because you refused to wear a skirt." Okay, a bunch of pictures and some good deductive reasoning, but that didn't… "Among the numerous freckles on your body is a pattern of twenty-one slightly more prominent ones occupying the inner curve of your right breast that resemble the constellation Pisces."

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