Disclaimer: Not mine. Buffy belongs to Joss, Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy.
Notes: This is a plot bunny that I just couldn't get rid of. Yes, I'm making fun of Kennedy a bit, but I didn't think anyone would mind. :)
I'm playing a little fast and loose with the time period--just assume it's been about 3-4 years since Sunnydale went into the ground.
I'm ignoring the Buffy comics. Mild Glee spoilers through "The Power of Madonna."
It was a typical morning at William McKinley High School. The sun was out, birds were singing, the Cheerios were winding up their morning session, and a group of jocks were poised around a dumpster.
A black SUV pulled into the parking lot, paused, and finally headed for the "Visitor" parking. Once the engine stopped, the driver leaned forward as if checking himself out in the rearview mirror.
"The eye looks fine Xan. Willow did a great job on it. You can't even tell it's fake," Buffy reassured him from the passenger seat.
"It itches. And the eye patch is so much cooler," Xander whined.
"Yes, but for some reason, people tend to freak out when one-eyed men wander around high schools checking out teenage girls."
"I'm wearing a suit. And, I have a business card. I'm perfectly respectable."
"Porn directors wear suits and have cards too, you know," Buffy reminded him.
"And you know this how?" inquired Xander.
"Hello, lived in LA until I was 15?"
"OK, I didn't really need to know that," Xander shuddered.
"Hey guys, don't we have a slayer to find or something?" a voice piped up from the backseat. Xander and Buffy both sighed.
"Yes, we do, but she's not going anywhere in the next 5 minutes," Xander said.
"Maybe not, but those cheerleaders over there look like they're winding up, and I don't wanna miss practice," said Kennedy.
"High schoolers? Really, Ken?" asked Buffy wearily.
"Hey, it's a good place to start looking. Weren't YOU a cheerleader when you got called?" Kennedy pointed out.
Buffy and Xander looked at each other. Xander shrugged. "She's got a point." The trio got out of the car and started walking towards the practice field. Xander continued, "Besides, there's worse ways to start your morning than by checking out a bunch of cheerleaders," he grinned.
Buffy thwapped him on the arm.
The trio stood and watched the practice for a few moments. To Buffy's ex-cheerleader eye, the girls themselves seemed extremely good, though the production was more than a little over the top. A full orchestra? Seriously?
"STOP!" The music cut off and the Cheerios froze, as a tall woman in a tracksuit bounded off the bleachers with a bullhorn. "Freaks! Sloppy, freakshow...freaks! That was PATHETIC! You are the most uncoordinated mass of sub-human sludge it has ever been my intense displeasure to coach! Are you even TRYING out there? You think this is hard? Try writing a best selling novel while going through SEAL training--that's hard! Do it again!" Groaning, the Cheerios formed up and started the routine once again.
"Oh my god, that's Sue Sylvester!" Kennedy squealed.
"Who?" Xander said.
"The psycho bitch with the 70s hairdo? Does she sell Crisco or something?" added Buffy.
"Hey, watch it, DOROTHY HAMILL. And for your information, Sue Sylvester is a GOD. I went to one of her training camps a few years ago and it changed my life!" Kennedy exclaimed with almost religious fervor.
"That explains SO much," Xander muttered.
"Oh my god, did Willow seriously tell you about the Dorothy Hamill haircut? Because one, so not your business, and two, I was like 9 years old at the time, and I was NOT responsible for my actions. Not like Coach Golden Girl there."
"Whatever, but Coach Sylvester isn't that old. She was only 29 when I was there, so she's maybe, what, 33 now?"
Xander and Buffy glanced at each other. "Um, Kennedy, " Xander began. "I hate to break it to you, but Coach Psycho hasn't seen her 20s since Reagan invaded Panama."
"Oh, yeah, she was part of that." Xander and Buffy stared at her blankly. "She helped plan the invasion?" Continued staring. "Oh, what do you know? Look, I'm going to go talk to her." With that, she jogged away in the direction of the bleachers. Buffy and Xander followed, mostly out of morbid curiosity.
"Excuse me, Coach Sylvester?" Kennedy said, almost shyly.
Sue turned around with a snarl. "What do you want--?" Her snarl turned into a look of almost-recognition. "Do I know you?"
"You do!" Kennedy exclaimed. "I was at one of your training camps a few years ago. My name is--"
"Kennedy, right. Sure, I remember you. You plowed through so many of my cheerleaders I almost started calling you John Deere."
Kennedy actually blushed. Buffy and Xander stared in horror.
Sue continued, "But, a beaver hound like you, well, you just seemed like a Kennedy to me."
Buffy realized she'd been standing with her mouth hanging open. "You mean, Kennedy isn't your real name?" she asked, stunned.
Sue snorted. "Of course it's not her real name! What idiot would name their child Kennedy? That would be like naming her--"
"Buffy?" Kennedy said, smirking.
"Right, something stupid like that." Sue said. She didn't notice the glare Buffy sent her way. "Anyhow, you saw what you wanted and you went after it, and damn the consequences. That's a Sue Sylvester girl right there. Though we could have done without the multiple groin pulls..."
"You know, this explains why we've never been able to figure out her last name," Xander said.
"I told you, it's Kennedy. Just Kennedy. Like Madonna." Kennedy replied.
Sue beamed. "That. Is. Out. Standing. Well, K, what brings you to the magical land of Western Ohio? It wasn't just to bask in my glorious presence, was it?"
"Oh! Yeah! Right...well, I'm working at this private girls' school in Cleveland, and we're recruiters."
"A girls' school. Of course you are. You aren't going to try to steal any of my Cheerios away, now, are you K?" Sue gave a short laugh and her smile turned predatory.
Kennedy laughed nervously.
Xander decided this was a good time to step in. "Yeahhhhh, Coach...Sylvester? We're not here looking for cheerleaders, in fact, our school doesn't even HAVE a cheerleading squad."
"Blasphemy," Sue growled.
"Hear, hear," Buffy and Kennedy muttered together, than looked at each other in horror.
"ANYway, we're really not looking for one certain thing. We look for a variety of qualities in our candidates, so today we're just looking around, seeing if anyone stands out as a possible student." Xander explained smoothly.
"So, we'd better head up to the office and talk to the principal now, check out some student files, right Kennedy?" Buffy said, clearly desperate to get the two women as far apart as possible. She wasn't sure what would happen if they stayed together too long, but she was very sure she didn't want to see it.
Just then the Cheerios' routine ended. Sue turned to Kennedy and smiled again, which produced a frisson of terror down both Xander and Buffy's spines. "You want a shot at the bullhorn, K?"
"Oh my God!" Kennedy squealed.
"Oh my God..." Xander and Buffy muttered. It was too late.
Kennedy took the bullhorn with something like reverence, then lifted it to her mouth and began to speak.
"All right maggots, listen up! That was weak! You think you can take nationals with that crap? I got news for you: you bring that weak-ass crap to Nationals, Nationals is going to rip out your heart, eat it, then vomit it back down your throat! You think this is hard? Try fighting a Qu'erry'uck demon with one hand while protecting a bunch of little brats AND sexting your girlfriend! Now that's hard!"
Silence reigned on the field for a moment. Finally, Sue spoke up.
"I have no idea what the hell you just said, K." Sue paused a moment, then smiled. "But I like your attitude."
Sue turned to Xander and Buffy. "You know, it's moments like this that remind of why I became an educator. Taking young minds and molding them in my image, and seeing the results standing here in front of me...well, there's just no better feeling." Sue took back the bullhorn and addressed the Cheerios. "Hit the showers, ladies. You reek of FAILURE!"
Sue turned back to the Cleveland crew. "There's a protein shake with my name on it. Good seein ya, K. And...you two." With that, Sue stalked off towards the school building.
"Really, this explains so, so much...." Xander mused.
The Cheerios immediately followed their coach, except for a Latina and a tall blonde who headed over to the bleachers. The Latina immediately poked a finger in Kennedy's chest. "Who the hell are you? I KNOW Coach doesn't hire assistants; she doesn't share the glory."
Kennedy smiled dangerously. "None of your business. And get your finger out of my chest, unless you plan to do something fun with it."
"Oh, she can do lots of fun stuff with her finger," the blonde said innocently.
The Cleveland trio gaped.
The Latina sighed. "Not now, Brit. As for you, bitch, my name is Santana, I'm the head cheerleader, and until I see what you've got, you can just shut the hell up and get off my field."
"Tell me again why we brought Kennedy?" Xander murmured.
"I thought it was your idea."
"Oh, you want to see what I've got? Well, watch and cry, chiquita." Kennedy stalked out to the field, cracked her neck, then began a complicated leaping and tumbling sequence.
"You know, I just never pictured Kennedy as a cheerleader," Xander whispered to Buffy.
"She's really not bad, but she's definitely using her Slayer powers. Cheater," Buffy whispered back wryly.
Kennedy strode up to Santana, who was standing with her arms crossed, looking singularly unimpressed. "Girl, you got some moves, but nothing I haven't seen before," Santana said scornfully.
"Yeah right. You've never seen that. Suck it up and move on," Kennedy scoffed.
"I can do that," the tall blonde said shyly.
"Yeah, my girl Brittany, she can do anything you can, better! Show 'em, Brit." Santana said.
Immediately, Brittany headed out to the field and quickly duplicated Kennedy's routine, move for move. Even to Xander's untrained eye, it was clear that Brittany added grace and style that Kennedy had been lacking. When she finished, Santana gave her a one-armed hug and walked her back to the waiting trio. "See, mouthy, maybe you can do some flips, but my girl? She makes it look gooood."
Brittany grinned happily.
Xander turned to Buffy in mild shock. "I think we've found our Slayer," he said eventually
Kennedy smirked. "See? I told you it was a good idea to check out the cheerleaders!"
Buffy blinked a few times. "And you were right." She turned to Xander. "Is it apocalypse season?"