Percy Weasley refuses to marry a horrible woman’s daughter, so she turns him into a cat. Notes:
based very very loosely on The Princess, the Cat, and the Unicorn
by Patricia C. WredeDisclaimer at the bottom
“You are a Weasley, are you not?”
“Yes madam. I am Ministry Official Weasley. Do you need assistance finding something?”
“No no, you’ll do.”
Clarissa Buqenridge was a terribly unattractive woman. She was short and plump and had an unfortunately flat nose centered on a strangely rectangular face. Her gray hairs were dyed bright yellow, and her cheekbones were painted an awful orange color. But despite Clarissa Buqenridge’s obvious shortcomings, she did have one up on life. Clarissa Buqenridge was filthy rich. Someone in her ancestry had been the king of some island in some region by one of the seas, and she had led the most privileged life. And said ancestry, aside from being laden with gold, also happened to be 99% pureblooded. A great great uncle somewhere had gone off and married a muggle, but they never spoke of it so naturally, he didn’t exist.
“Which Weasley are you?”
“Oh no matter. You’re sure you’re a Weasley? Of the Prewetts and the Blacks? Well, of course you are, your name is right there.”
“Really son, no time to chitchat. We’ve a wedding to plan.”
“Pardon?” His voice began to rise in alarm.
“Well yes dear! You are going to marry my daughter, Gertrude. You know purebloods are getting scarcer. You two will make wonderfully perfect children. Thank heavens I snatched you up before a Bulstrode did. Or that Rosier girl!”
“Madam, I don’t know who you are but –”
“Oh!” Clarissa Buqenridge turned a bright shade of red, clashing hideously with her makeup and her lemon yellow smock.
“How rude of me! I am Mrs. Clarissa Buqenridge, of the Buqenridges over in Sussex. Oh yes, you will look splendid next to Gertrude on the family tree.”
“Madam, I have no intention of marrying your daughter. Why, I’ve only just met you!”
“But you must.”
“Pardon?” Percy Weasley had never sounded so shrill before in his life. Not only was this large woman blocking the light to his desk, but she was claiming preposterous things and distressing him greatly.
“You are a pureblood wizard dear. And I suppose I can forgive the trespasses of some of the rest of your family, but when you marry Gertrude, we’ll be a wonderfully pureblooded family together. Why, you can’t presume to marry a muggle or something! No no dear, do not fret. I am here to help you.”
“And of course, I have discussed this with your father.”
Percy leapt to his feet suddenly. He knew he was not the favorite in his family, but there was no way his father, and especially not his mother, would allow his son into a forced marriage. And his mother would in no way approve of such a flamboyant and clearly insane woman. No, his father did not
agree to this. Percy started to sweat.
“I will not marry your daughter!”
Clarissa Buqenridge smiled a sickeningly sweet smile that stretched across her entire face and revealed two small front teeth smudged with lipstick. At the same time, she narrowed her eyes and brought her face dangerously close to Percy’s.
“Now look here you. If I say you are going to marry Gertrude, you are going to marry Gertrude. I am Clarissa Buqenridge. My father’s fathers were kings among men, and my mother’s mothers were princesses. And my blood is as pure as the driven snow and you should consider yourself lucky that you are privileged enough to be in my presence right now.”
Percy wrinkled his nose and gathered his papers.
“Madam, really, I have no intention of joining your family. I congratulate you on the accomplishments of your forefathers, but I really must be going. If you would kindly remove your delusional self from my workspace, I really am quite busy. Marry your daughter indeed!”
Percy Weasley breezed past the woman and set off in search of an empty desk elsewhere.
Or he was, before Clarissa Buqenridge turned bright purple and whipped out her wand, chasing Percy through the building.
“Delusional? DELUSIONAL? Why the nerve, you ungrateful little -- CATTUS VERTO!
A heavyset witch with large glasses gasped and grabbed Percy before he could run away.
“So there you stupid no-good imbecile! Not marry my daughter! You have to marry her now! If you ever want to get back to normal, you need a beautiful girl like my daughter that’s been kissed by a unicorn. We will be waiting for you to come to your senses!”
And Clarissa Buqenridge spun on her heels and stormed out of the building, pushing aurors and ministry officials aside with her elbows.
The witch that had caught Percy looked down at him and then at the other ministry employees that had gathered. “Poor dear.” She murmured, and patted him on the head.
“Let’s get you to your father.”
And little Percy Weasley meowed pitifully in response and rested his tiny cat paws on her shoulders and sighed deeply.
I do not own Harry Potter, and I do not own BtVS. I do own Clarissa Buqenridge and her horrible daughter, however. Disclaimer #2:
The plot of this story: a man is changed into a cat because he won’t marry someone’s daughter, and needs someone who had been kissed by a unicorn is loosely based on the short story The Princess, the Cat, and the Unicorn
, by Patricia C. Wrede, where a man is changed into a cat because he won’t marry a queen’s daughter, and needs to be kissed by a woman who has drunk from a unicorn’s pool.
Any deviations from this short plot summery do belong to me. For example, that cat can talk. Percy cat cannot.Notes:
1. cattus verto
is Latin for the words ‘cat’ and ‘transform’
2. The Bulstrode in question is Millicent. The Rosiers are listed as a possibly extinct pureblood line, and as far as I can tell, there is no Rosier girl around Percy’s age (or at all). They also do not belong to me.