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The Barbarian, The Dancer and The Sleeping Prince.

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This story is No. 4 in the series "Buff Barbarians and Perky Parthenians.". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Monty Python and the Holy Grail xover. Once again Faith and Dawn use a mixture of extreme violence and exotic dancing as they quest for an Enchanted Palace and a Sleeping Prince; who needs a knackered old cup anyway?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Holy Grail, The
Miscellaneous > Fairytales
(Recent Donor)DaveTurnerFR151026,3261385,01312 Sep 101 Oct 10Yes

Chapter Nine.


“How do we get this totally open?” Dawn asked a little too eagerly as she searched for a catch or something that would open the sarcophagus.

“Here,” Hazel knelt down next to the see-through coffin, “there’s some writing doon here, y’ken.”

Joining Hazel on the floor, Dawn studied the mystical writings that Hazel had just found.

Leaving the two younger women to their studies, Faith walked away from the sarcophagus over to where one of the mummified bodies lay. Something didn’t feel quite right to her and she’d that weird itchy feeling at the back of her brain that indicated that her slayer senses were picking up something evil. Reaching across her body, she loosened her sword in its sheath and walked over to one of the creeper covered windows.

Half listening to the excited chatter coming from the two girls, Faith examined the window. It was about two feet square and apart from what looked like some scratch marks on the stone window sill it told her nothing. Just as she was turning away and back towards the girls, she sensed movement. Faith had her sword out in an instant. There was, however, nothing there. Feeling slightly foolish she frowned, but she’d been sure there’d been something over by one of the bodies. Seeing nothing there now, Faith shrugged and walked over to the broken down door by which they’d entered the chamber; she didn’t sheath her sword, there was still something nagging at the back of her mind.

Looking down the dark, dismal corridor, Faith saw their tracks in the dust, four sets of quite distinct footprints in the… Hold on a minute, Faith did a double take; four sets of tracks?

“Hey guys…” Faith glanced over her shoulder to where Dawn and Hazel were doing something to the sarcophagus.

“Faith,” Dawn’s voice echoed excitedly across the chamber, “come and give us a hand will you?”

“Yeah sure,” Faith replied distractedly, she turned away from the passageway and trotted over to Dawn and Hazel.


“Okay,” what ya got?” Faith asked as she came to a halt next to Hazel.

“Och, it’s quite simple, y’ken.” Hazel smiled excitedly, “The lid is released by these catches,” she pointed to some rusty metal catches, “then as far as I cane see the top lifts off, y’ken?”

“Yeah,” agreed Dawn, “but its, like, totally too heavy for us to lift by ourselves.”

Getting organised, Dawn and Hazel stood at the head end of the sarcophagus while Faith went to stand at the foot end. As she made the short trip to her place by the coffin’s foot, Faith glanced towards the corridor again, she paused for a moment to stare into the darkness; she couldn’t be sure but was there a new shadow down there?

“Faith?” Dawn called snapping her friend back into the here and now, “What’s up?”

“Nothing…” Faith took her place by the foot of the sarcophagus, “okay what’d we do?”

“There should be some hand holds…” Dawn explained as she searched for her own.

Quickly finding the handholds, Faith got ready to lift.

“Everybody ready?” Dawn asked and got answering nods from Faith and Hazel, “On three…One, two and lift!”

Grunting with effort, Dawn and Hazel heaved their end of the sarcophagus up while Faith easily lifted hers.

“On the floor!” groaned Dawn as she shuffled away from the now fully exposed prince.

Unfortunately they didn’t move quite fast enough and the heavy sarcophagus lid slipped from Dawn and Hazel’s hands to crash onto the floor with a sound like a thousand shop windows breaking. Jumping back from the shards of crystal the three women cried out in alarm.

“Nae matter,” gasped Hazel, “didnae think we’ll be needing it again, y’ken.” She turned towards where the prince lay, “Noo lets see what we’ve got…och,” sighed Hazel, “he does look so peaceful ain comfy it almost seems a shame tae disturb heem.”

“Yeah,” Dawn agreed, “like, the old peddler did say he was ensconced not ‘enspelled’ or 'ensnared' or whatever!”

Once again, Faith had been distracted. Instead of looking at the prince she found herself staring down that dark, ominous corridor. Her slayer sixth sense was telling her that there was something down there, her other five were saying there wasn’t. The slayer sense was outvoted by the others and Faith turned back to look and see what they’d found.

“JESUS CHRIST!” Faith cried out as she caught sight of the fine upstanding appendage that grew from the prince’s pubic region.

“Noo that’s what I call a ‘morning stiffy’…y’ken,” giggled Hazel as she licked her lips.

“I never knew they grew to that size.” Dawn sighed longingly, before regaining her equilibrium and asking, “So, how do we wake him up?”

“In the fairy tails an’ stuff it’s usually a kiss, right?” Faith suggested; by an enormous effort of will she dragged her eyes away from the rock hard phallus and scanned the rest of the chamber; something had moved, her slayer sense told her so, something was out of place.

“Och, right,” Hazel stepped cautiously towards the prince, “we could try that I suppose.”

“Hey,” Dawn caught hold of Hazel’s arm and held her back for a moment, “are you sure you want that wandering around,” she nodded at the phallus, “I mean he hasn’t had sex for nearly a hundred years.”

“Aye, y’right,” Hazel nodded her head, “but I fae one am willing to tack the risk and he probably knows where the treasure is.”

“Yeah!” Dawn nodded her head firmly, “You’re right…what do you think Faith?”

“What?” Faith, sword in hand was walking slowly towards the corridor trying to penetrate the darkness with her enhanced slayer eyes.

“Should she kiss him?” Dawn called.

“Whatever…” Faith replied as she continued her advance.

“Okay then,” Dawn gestured to the naked body of the prince, “you’re the one who wants to marry him, so go on, kiss him.”

“Right,” Hazel seemed a little reluctant, “Y’noo I’ve nae too much experience at kissing boys, y’ken.”

“Oh it’s simple,” Dawn replied with all the confidence of an experienced kisser, “it’s as easy as falling off a log.”

“Y’mean painful and embarrassing?” Hazel cast Dawn a worried look.

“No!” Dawn rolled her eyes heavenward, “Just get on with it will you?”

“Here goes,” Hazel bent over the prince’s head and kissed him gently on the lips, nothing happened.

“Maybe you should put some more ‘umph’ into it,” Dawn suggested.

“More ‘umph’ y’say?” Once again Hazel bent to her task but with more enthusiasm this time. “Anythin’?” she asked coming up for air.

“Nothing,” Dawn shook her head sadly, her expression changed as an idea popped into her mind. “Hey, maybe you have to kiss that?” she pointed to the prince’s phallus and shrugged.

“Och nooo!” Hazel looked down at the upstanding member and turned bright red with embarrassment.

“If you marry him you’ll probably end up doing it anyway,” Dawn pointed out matter-of-factly.

“Y’think?” Hazel didn’t sound convinced (she was also starting to rethink this entire marriage thing); Dawn nodded her head as firmly as she could. “Och, well,” sighed Hazel, “here goes.”

Once again she bent over the prince giving the end of his penis an almost chased kiss, nothing happen.

“Harder!” suggest Dawn.

Again, Hazel set to kissing the phallus making up with enthusiasm for what she lacked in experience.


“Nah,” Dawn stood back and thought about the problem; something at the back of her mind called out to her, it jumped up and down and waved its arms in the air trying to get her attention.

Yes, that was it; she’d been doing some research for Giles, about a similar situation…something to do with waking people up who’d been put under a spell. They’d not been having much luck when she’d come across this paper on the hidden meanings behind fairy tales.

“Y’know,” Dawn began slowly, “the kissing thing was often a euphemism for, well,” Dawn took a deep breath and took the bull by the horns, “sex!”

“What!?” gasped Hazel; where she came from sex was something you did in private, in the dark, in bed, with the curtains closed and not in a dusty, spooky, old palace…and apart from anything else she’d not actually done ‘it’ with anyone else in the room as yet.

“You got a better idea?” Dawn crossed her arms, “You’re the one who wants to marry him remember, its no bother to me and Faith we’re only here for the gold and jewels.”

Hazel looked down at the prince miserably; this was not how she’d imagined her first time to be like. She’d imagined a nice wedding and reception, then she’d be whisked away in a carriage to a secret location. There’d be a roaring fire and rose petals and a big comfy bed and romantic music and…and… What did she have instead? Dust, spiders, mummified bodies and a grinning dancing girl and her warrioress friend…life simply wasn’t fair.

“Och,” sighed Hazel as she resigned herself to the inevitable, “needs must when the drunk vomits down y’cleavage!” Reluctantly, Hazel started to remove her clothes.

“That’s my girl,” Dawn smiled before she happened to glance over at Faith, “I’ll leave you and your fiancé alone…I’ll go see what Faith’s up to.”

Leaving Witch Hazel to her…well, Dawn didn’t know what to call it; a fate worse than death just didn’t seem to fit, she crossed the chamber coming up behind Faith.

“What-cha-doin’?” she asked breezily.

“Down there,” Faith pointed with her sword, “something moved.”

Dawn peered into the darkness, “Well, there’s nothing moving down there now,” Dawn dismissed Faith’s feelings of impending doom.

“Yeah,” Faith relaxed and shrugged, “maybe you’re right. What’s going on with the witch and her boy?”

“Oh,” Dawn glanced over her shoulder to see a naked Hazel straddle the prince, “we thought of something.”

Turning slightly, Faith looked in the same direction as Dawn to see Hazel lowering herself slowly onto the prince’s…appendage.

“Hey,” Faith whistled in admiration, “that girl’s got hidden depths.”

“Yeah,” Dawn agreed in awe, “I never thought she could take it all!”

There was a loud moan from Hazel as she settled herself on top of the prince followed by a sound like dead leaves.

“Hey, what’s that?” Dawn asked her companion.

Turning, Dawn gave a little shriek of surprise, coming towards them down the corridor were wall to wall desiccated warriors and palace servants.

“Get back!” cried Faith as she readied her sword and stepped away from the corridor to give herself more room to fight.

Running lightly across the chamber, Dawn retreated half dozen steps as she pulled her sling from her belt and loaded a lead slingshot. She whirled the weapon above her head and let fly, the lump of lead flew almost bullet fast towards one of the walking cadavers. The chicken egg sized bullet hit the advancing horror squarely in the chest with a hollow sounding thump. The bullet passed right through her target knocking it off course for a moment but otherwise not having any effect.

“Crap!” Dawn put away her sling and drew her sword, time to get up close and personal.

Thrusting with her sword, Faith ran the first zombie-mommy-thing through, it didn’t seem to help much as it kept coming, reaching for her with its bony, claw-like hands as it walked down her blade towards her.

“FUCK!” Faith cursed and yanked her sword from the creature’s chest, time to think of something else.

Slashing at the horror’s head, Faith’s sword caught the bone dry monster under the chin and sliced off its head. The skull flew through the air for a few feet before hitting the floor and rolling away. The rest of the desiccated warrior fell to the floor with a sound like a lot of dry things falling to the floor!

“Cut their heads off!” Faith called as she moved in to the attack.

Slicing off an arm, Dawn stepped back from her attacker and took a swing at the creature’s head; like Faith’s it spun in the air before joining the rest of the body in an untidy heap on the floor. Luckily although there were a lot of the murderous undead corpses, they moved slowly, unthinkingly and didn’t use weapons. Glancing over to where Faith fought, Dawn saw her spin and dodge between the animated corpses cutting off heads like a whirling, spinning, cutting off heads machine.

For her part, Dawn wasn’t doing so badly herself. Her fighting style involved rooting herself to a spot on the floor and destroying anything that came within range of her sword, that way she could conserve energy, she wasn’t a slayer and she didn’t know how long she’d need to fight. However, after only a few more seconds the undead tide was sent scurrying back into the dark.

“What’s goin’ on Dawn?” Faith strode towards Dawn stepping over piles of dry bones and rotten parchment-like cloth.

“I bet this is some sort of spell put on the dead by the big bad fairy,” Dawn glanced over towards where Hazel was picking up speed as she raised and lowered herself on top of the prince.

“Ya think?” Faith had a feeling the battle wasn’t over yet.

“We must be doing the right thing to wake the prince,” Dawn explained, “once he, umm…you know, ‘arrives’, the spell will be broken. We’ve got to keep the dead off until Hazel and the prince have consummated their umm, relationship.”

“How do you know this shit?” Faith brought up her sword, the undead were preparing for another try.

“I read it somewhere,” Dawn explained bringing her own sword up ready to fight.

“This shit’s written down!?” Faith stepped forward ready to meet the first rush.

“Yeah,” Dawn glanced back at Hazel and wished the prince suffered from premature ejaculation or whatever they called it, “yeah, it went something like this; In case of undead attack on your palace follow these rules. If you are making love it is imperative to bring all bodies to orgasm simultaneously…”*

“It really says that?”

“In Sumerian.” Nodded Dawn.

“Wow,” impressed Faith stepped forward and took the heads off two more attacking corpses.

As quickly as the first rush had been defeated the second lay scattered about the chamber floor.

“Hey,” called Faith, “this is getting old fast…how much longer is she gonna be?”

“Erm,” Dawn glanced over to where Hazel moaned and writhed in pleasure on top of her prince, “If she gives him any more he’ll blow! I think,” she added, “not that I’m any judge,” there was a slight note of accusation in Dawn’s voice, “not that I’ve been allowed to gain any experience on the subject.”

Just as Dawn was about to turn to face the third wave, she noticed the warriors who’d been lying peacefully on the floor get up and start to advance on the loving couple.

“FAITH!” Screamed Dawn as she turned to charge into the advancing cadavers.

“YOU DEAL!” Faith cried back already fully engaged with her own rustling horde of attackers.

Running up behind the new group of attackers, Dawn lopped the heads off two in rapid succession without the rest noticing. All too quickly she lost the element of surprise as two more warriors clattered headless to the stone floor. Four of the undead turned to attack her as another moved in on the bouncing witch. Dawn found herself ensnared in the dry, dusty remains of the undead warriors. Desperately she tried to fight free but the cadavers held her back as their comrade advanced inexorable towards the couple.

“NOOOOOO!” cried Dawn as she watched helplessly as the corpse raised its hands to drag the witch from her mount.

Just as Dawn thought it was all over a loud, long cry of pent up ecstercy split the room as Hazel and her prince ‘arrived’ at the same time. Like marionettes that’d had their strings cut the dead collapsed on the floor to lie in untidy heaps. Finding herself free of dry bony hands, Dawn turned to check on Faith only to find her trotting over to join her.

“I say…” said the prince as he opened his eyes for the first time in nearly a hundred years; he noticed the red haired beauty sitting astride his, not to put too fine a point on it, penis, “I say!” he repeated intrigued, “do you come here often?”


Several weeks later, Faith and Dawn rode away from the palace. Witch Hazel had married her prince and the young couple seemed to getting along fine. Unfortunately the stories about wealth beyond even Dawn’s wildest dreams turned out to be (as usual) false. What money there was would be needed to help rebuild the prince’s principality. Dawn had reluctantly insisted that they only be given a small bag of gold to cover expenses plus a small finder’s fee.

“Do you think we’ll ever get to live happily ever after, Faith?” Dawn asked as they rode away from the palace and its busy workmen and gardeners.

“Hey,” Faith smiled at her friend, “happy ever afters are over-rated.”

“They are?” Dawn wasn’t so sure.

“Yeah,” laughed Faith, “you’d get so bored after a week you’d be off killing monsters again first chance you got.”

“You think?”

“Sure of it,” Faith nodded, “Hey, there’s a war started up north, you wanna check it out?”

“Yeah,” Dawn grinned at the thought of all the booty just lying around unattended, “why not!?”


…and so our two heroes galloped off into a new day, to new lands and new adventures.
But that, as they say, is another story…

Cue heroic music!

The End.

The End

You have reached the end of "The Barbarian, The Dancer and The Sleeping Prince.". This story is complete.

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