The Barbarian, The Dancer and The Sleeping Prince.By Dave Turner.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Buffyverse, Monty Python and the Holy Grail or the folk tale of Sleeping Beauty. The ‘Holy Grail’ was written by; Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones and Michael Palin. Sleeping Beauty is a traditional tale. Any scripted words you might recognise weren’t written by me either. I write these stories for fun not profit.
Crossover: BtVS with, Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Sleeping Beauty (sort of).
Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation; Written in glorious English-English. American and various other idioms are used throughout this fic.
Timeline: Post BtVS Season Seven. Set during Faith and Dawn’s adventures in The Shattered Kingdoms some time after my story ‘Faith the Barbarian’ and before my story ‘Red Dawn’.
Words: Nine chapters of 2500+ words.
Warnings: Some violence, bad language and scenes of a vaguely sexual nature.
Summary: Monty Python and the Holy Grail xover. Once again Faith and Dawn use a mixture of extreme violence and exotic dancing as they quest for an Enchanted Palace and a Sleeping Prince; who needs a knackered old cup anyway?0=0=0=0Author’s Note
; I had always intended to write a Faith and Dawn story to go between, ‘Faith the Barbarian’ and ‘Red Dawn’. But, apart from a couple of chapters that I somehow managed to delete I never got round to it until now. So for good or ill here are a few more adventures of the Buff Barbarian and her Perky Parthenian Dancer sidekick.0=0=0=0
The tavern seemed to vibrate with the noise of the thunderous applause, over on the little stage, Dawn climbed to her feet having finished her dance routine. She smiled and waved in acknowledgement as the crowd of hunters, traders and adventurers cheered, clapped and stamped there feet in appreciation of her performance. More importantly they threw money.
Standing off and to one side of the stage, Faith realised she was just standing there with her mouth open in shocked amazement. She should be out there helping Dawn pick up the money and preventing her from being dragged off into the crowd by some over enthusiastic fan. Closing her mouth with a snap, she came back to the present and jumped up onto the stage to help her friend collect the coins that lay thickly on the wooden boards. Finding her mouth only inches away from Dawn’s ear, Faith spoke up loudly.
“What the fuck do y’think ya doing?” Faith picked up a handful of small silver coins.
“Like, what do you mean?” Dawn looked sharply at her friend as she swept up the last of the coins.
“Are ya trying to get y’self dragged into the crowd and gang raped?” Faith snapped.
“Hey, like it’s never bothered you before,” Dawn sounded a little hurt at her friend’s reaction; she’d worked hard perfecting her latest routine.
With a final wave and smile, Dawn skipped from the stage followed by a sullen Faith, who clutched handfuls of coins to her chest.
“You never danced almost naked before,” Faith pointed out when they got to the relative quiet of the tiny backstage area.
Wearing little more than a thong, nipple tassels and some bangles, Dawn left little to the overheated imaginings of her audience.
“Yeah, well,” Dawn slipped a tunic on over her head, “we’ve got to eat.”
“Yeah but…” the words died on Faith’s tongue.
The thousand sheckles that Faith and Dawn had got off the mayor of Haafi for rescuing his daughter hadn’t lasted as long as they’d hoped. When they’d moved into the Shattered Kingdoms, Faith had hoped that the opportunities for roving freebooters, like herself and Dawn, would be greater than in the more civilised lands near the coast. Unfortunately it appeared that the petty kingdoms and city states that made up the Shattered Kingdoms were going through an unusually peaceful period.
Not being able to find any wars or feuds to fight in the two women had fallen back on their more peaceful skills; Faith had taken various jobs as either a caravan guard or bodyguard, while Dawn had been dancing in wine shops and taverns. At the moment both Dawn and Faith were employed at a large tavern situated in a small village that owed its existence to the crossroads of two important trade routes. Faith was employed as a ‘bouncer’ while Dawn danced every night on the little stage in the great hall.
While the job gave them food and kept a roof over their heads it wasn’t going to make their fortunes. Each week that past Dawn had worn less than the week before and her dance routines had become more ‘risqué’. Tonight’s performance had been the most blatantly sexual so far. Faith had always felt responsible and protective for her younger companion since they’d found themselves in this strange world. She’d always hoped that Dawn would never have to do any of the more ignominious things that she’d had to do to survive before she’d become a slayer. Faith felt that she was letting Dawn down in some way.
“Yeah I know,” Faith sighed as she watched Dawn slip into her skirt, “we gotta eat.”
“Come on,” Dawn smiled and rested her hand on Faith’s shoulder, “let’s go somewhere quiet and totally count my ill gotten gains!”
Heading on down to the kitchens, Faith called to the tavern keeper that she was taking a break.
“Y’know,” Faith sat down on a bench across a rough wooden table from Dawn, “we could roll old Acaph, torture where he hides his stash outta him and be outta here.”
“Yeah we could,” agreed Dawn as she dumped handfuls of mismatched coins on the table, “but would you totally do that? I mean, Acaph isn’t so bad.”
In fact Acaph, the tavern keeper and his wives had been really good to Faith and Dawn and the two women had grown quite attached to the old guy and his family.
“You’re right,” agreed Faith, she watched as Dawn sorted the coins into piles, “how much?”
“Not bad,” admitted Dawn, “but not enough to get us out of here.”
“Crap!” cursed Faith just as Acaph came up behind her.
“Dawn,” the old man stood there in his leather apron wiping his hands on a dirty rag, “when you’re ready can you do another dance? They’re going wild out there.”
Listening Faith could hear the sound of broken cups as the tavern’s customers got more and more rowdy as they called for Dawn’s reappearance. Sighing Dawn and Faith got up.
“Like, no rest for the wicked,” muttered Dawn, she looked at Acaph, “I’ll just put this away then I’ll be down, okay?”
“Good,” Acaph looked nervously in the direction of the hall, “Faith you better make sure they don’t wreck the place.”
“Sure thing, Boss,” walking towards the entrance to the hall, Faith picked up a cudgel, “right on it.”0=0=0=0
The riot didn’t break out until about half way through Dawn’s second number. A group of hunters decided to storm the stage. There was a cry of, ‘Get offa me you freaks!’ from Dawn and this seemed to be the signal for hostilities to break out throughout the hall. Faith jumped up on the stage and made short work of the half dozen men who were trying to drag Dawn off to enjoy her ‘charms’ in private. Dawn had, up until this point, been holding her own against the hunter’s drunken advances waiting for Faith to appear. Faith’s sudden and violent appearance had tilted the scales inexorably in favour of women’s lib.
Once Dawn was safe, Faith plunged back into the maelstrom that was the main hall. Laying out customers left and right, she soon had the situation in hand and most of the tavern’s patrons decided that fighting the fur bikini clad warrioress wasn’t a good idea. They either retook their seats or left; the most stubborn of the rioters were encouraged to leave by the judicious use of Faith’s boot.0=0=0=0
The following day, after helping restore the tavern to something approaching its former glory; Faith and Dawn walked the mile or so to where a small river flowed. The river, little more than a stream really, ambled between the rolling hills that surrounded the flood plain that was the main feature of this part of the world. They followed the path until it came to a shallow ford before turning downstream to where the river opened out into a pool surrounded by bushes and trees. After checking that they’d not been followed the two young women stripped off and jumped laughing into the cool water.
Lying on her back in the water, Faith drifted on the current around and around the pool; every now and then she’d kick with her legs to prevent herself from running aground on the river bank. She sighed contentedly as she lay in the water almost becoming one with the river. It was restful and peaceful here away from the bustle of the tavern and the caravan parks. Sometimes she thought she could stay like this forever. Faith smiled, she knew herself well enough to know that without something to fight she’d go mad within a week.
Raising her head from the water slightly, Faith checked on Dawn; the kid…no, Faith corrected herself, young woman now. It had been hard to think of ‘the brat’ as anything other than B’s annoying little sister. But in the year or so they’d been here, Dawn had grown up in every sense of the word. Almost daily, Faith thanked whoever was in charge of the universe that she’d been stuck here with Dawn and not ‘B’.
Standing up in the water, Faith walked over to where Dawn sat on a blanket plucking wayward hairs from her body with a pair of tweezers. She worked quickly and without the slightest sign of discomfort. Faith had stopped shaving her legs and underarms ages ago. Dawn, however, had to be careful with her personal grooming, no one wanted to see a hairy exotic dancer. Lying down on her own blanket, Faith felt the sun start to dry her off. She lay back to do some sunbathing, bikini lines were such a turn off.0=0=0=0
Waking up with a start, Faith turned to Dawn to see her friend look up from her plucking and around at the surrounding bushes.
“What’s…?” Faith began only to be interrupted by a cry for help; it seemed to be coming from the direction of the ford.
“Like, crap,” cursed Dawn, reaching for her blouse and skirt.
“Stay here,” Faith was on her feet, sword in hand, in about half a second.
“Screw that!” Dawn was on her feet just behind Faith, her clothes in one hand her sword in the other.
Looking from her clothes to her sword, Dawn shook her head, cast away her clothes and ran after Faith who was making her way swiftly along the river bank towards the ford.
Running around a clump of bushes, Faith checked her headlong advance for just a second to take in the scene before her. Six ruffians were busy attacking an old guy; he appeared to be a tinker judging by the pots and pans that lay scattered on the ground. The toughs had the old man on the ground, while a couple of them kicked the unfortunate man another two searched through his pack scattering his tools and wares across the track way. A fifth man appeared to be directing operations, obviously the leader while a sixth, and by far the biggest, stood just behind the band’s chief laughing at the unlucky tinker’s fate.
Satisfied that there were no additional forces hidden nearby, Faith raised her sword, gave a loud warbling warcry and rushed at the miscreants. As one the bandits turned at the sound of Faith’s cry to see the naked warrioress charging towards them. Thinking that all their birthdays had come at once they hesitated before drawing their own weapons; that hesitation would prove fatal.
Running towards the biggest bandit, Faith noted that none of the robbers were doing anything to protect themselves. Mentally, she shrugged, if they wanted to be stupid, sexist, bastards then that was alright by her. It was only when she got to within a couple of yards of the big robber that the bandits started to think something was wrong and began to go for their swords. For the big bastard it was already too late.
Swinging her sword, Faith cut the big robber’s head clean off. The severed head spun one way as blood fountained up into the air only to fall to the ground like thick red rain seconds later. The decapitated body stood for a moment before its legs finally gave way and the body fell to the ground like a felled tree. By now the remaining five bandits had their swords out and where moving in to attack the female berserk.
Her feet sliding on the dusty ground, Faith skidded to a halt and turned to face the rest of the gang. In accordance with the laws of ‘Fantasy Swordfights’ the outlaws attacked her one at a time while the unengaged bandits danced around giving the impression of violent action. Parrying her attacker’s blade, Faith ran the man through. He gasped and looked down foolishly at the blade that stuck out of his stomach. Slumping to the ground as Faith pulled her sword free the robber died without a sound.
The remaining four robbers backed away from Faith; obviously this woman wasn’t your usual run of the mill, naked, sword wielding, homicidal, sex object. No, they collectively thought, this woman actually appeared to be dangerous; it was time to rethink their tactics. At some unspoken signal the four remaining robbers turned to flee…only to come face to face with yet another nude, sword owning and attractive young woman. This really wasn’t their day.
Smiling, Dawn lunged forward thrusting her sword through the body of one of the stunned robbers. He cried out as the sword passed easily in and out of his stomach just before he collapsed at Dawn’s feet. By now the three remaining bandits realised they were in big trouble, they were surrounded with no means of escape. They formed themselves into a defensive triangle and tried to protect themselves.
There was a sickening ‘crunch’ as one of the robbers had his legs lopped off. Lying on the ground the unfortunate man just had time to see his legs still standing there before a razor sharp blade passed across his throat and he saw no more. The outlaw band now reduced to two members decided that discretion was the better part of valour and cast their weapons away in an attempt to surrender. It did them no good; Faith took a pace forward and decapitated one bandit while Dawn drove her sword through the other. Standing amidst the bodies, Faith and Dawn nodded to each other in satisfaction before turning and trotting over to where the old tinker lay.0=0=0=0