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It’s a Stretch

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Summary: I've seen far too many stories where squealing fangirls (You know who you are!) try and pair Xander with Angelus. So I decided to try and write a couple of scenes were they actually got along.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy(Current Donor)dogbertcarrollFR1846,904149015,4352 Nov 1028 Sep 13No

Chapter 2

Angelus and Xander Getting Along

“Do you really think you can stop me boy?” Angelus sneered.

“Probably not,” Xander admitted easily, “but she's not completely broken yet and I don't want you to get excited and jump the gun.”

“What?!” Angelus asked, freezing in place.

“You came here thinking end game, but she still has some fight left in her,” Xander explained. “I want her as broken as Dru before you allow her the luxury of death.”

Angelus could tell the boy was serious and he had to admit he was allowing his eagerness for the kill to color his perceptions. The girl was battered but not yet broken. “Why?” he asked, wanting to know why Xander of all people was helping him.

“I told her what she'd do if she got Willow killed,” he said calmly as if he was discussing the weather, “and the spell to try and re-ensoul you took her life. You'd think they'd have realized that one girl casting a spell that requires nine people minimum would be too much, but they didn't and now my Willow is dead and all because of a Slayer who has a thing for dead guys.”

Angelus shivered as he looked into the boy's cold dead eyes and against his better judgment he had to offer, “Ever thought of being turned? You could be on our side and help destroy her.”

“Why is it everyone has such a hard time understanding what happens when you're turned?” Xander asked rhetorically. “If I let you turn me then I would be gone and a demon would be in my place, you're not and have never been Angel,” Xander explained. “You have his memories and were forced to feel his suffering as if it was your own, but it was never, not for a single instant, you.”

“Really?” Angelus asked, a hint of hope creeping into his voice.

“Really,” Xander said firmly. “All the thoughts and memories from when he was alive were imprinted on you were born into his body, casting out his soul.”

“And when I was cursed?” he asked, his eyes swirling with hope and need.

“The soul was ripped from the afterlife and you were forced to feel everything Angel felt and do what he chose, but not a single iota of it was you. Do you really think that you would spend a single second moaning over an underage girl or whining in the dark?”

“No! I wouldn't!” Angelus said as if a great weight was being lifted from his shoulders.

“That's right,” Xander agreed, “you wouldn't. The memories and feelings of that time aren't yours they're his.”

“And anything I may have felt any other time?” Angelus asked nervously.

“Programmed reflex,” Xander said flatly. “Pavlovian reflex because of body and memory. Those feelings toward Buffy have been fading haven't they?”

“Yeah!” Angelus agreed, beginning to smile.

“You are a demon, you have always been a demon, you will never be anything else. I have memories of being a soldier because of Ethan Rayne, but I know for a fact I've never been in the military. So while I use whatever skills they offer me I don't let them define me. You need to stop letting human memories define you.”

Angelus' grin was blissful.

“Now go out there and find a girl as much like Willow as possible, make her disappearance obvious and loud so Buffy hears about it. Leave clues that the girl is still alive to lure Buffy in and then kill the girl in front of her and tell her you did it because you didn't want her to beat your kill count so you had to kill a geeky redhead… just like she did.”

“She'll lose her mind!” Angelus said in wonder. “But what if she snaps and goes berserk instead? You have to watch out for things like that when breaking someone.”

“Child's play,” Xander replied with a smile as empty as his eyes, “torture and abuse the girl while filming it, telling her to say hi to Buffy. Have a dozen monitors set up and hit play so she can see a dozen different scenes of the girl crying and cursing her while suffering.”

“Beautiful,” Angelus said in wonder. “I'm surprised someone with a soul could even conceive of a plot like that!”

“Funny thing about that; I gave Willow my soul when we were children, I guess she took it with her when she left.”

Angelus looked into Xander's eyes and recalled why they seemed so cold; it was because nothing was behind them but an empty void like a starless sky over a hellish vacuum. Nodding to Xander he left, deciding not to bother with any plans to destroy humanity because as Spike said 'What would we eat then?'

0oOo0

Angel and Xander

“She's dating Spike?!” Angel asked in disbelief.

“Yep,” Xander agreed taking a sip of his beer.

“He didn't get a soul when I wasn't looking did he?” Angel asked hopefully.

“Still the same old soulless monster,” Xander assured him.

“Is Buffy on some sort of medication?”

“I had her tested, she's clean,” he said with a sigh.

“Is there some sort of medication we can give her?” Angel asked, waving at the bartender to get him another beer.

“I wis- would love for there to be something that makes her stop fucking corpses,” Xander said bluntly.

“Hey, not dead, undead – not quite alive but definitely not a corpse,” Angel argued.

Xander rolled his eyes. “You have no breath.”

“I don't know CPR and I'm pretty sure sharing breath with the undead is unlikely to return someone to life.”

“That makes more sense than I have no breath,” Xander said.

“I was panicking, sue me!” Angel replied accepting a beer. “Can we get back to the Spike problem now?”

“Sure,” Xander replied, “some government types stuck a chip in his head that shocks him if he tries to harm a human.”

“You're joking?” Angel said in shock.

“Nope, big military disaster dealing with demons. We ended up empowering Buffy with an enjoining spell so she could take out a human demon hybrid cyborg with a nuclear core.”

Angel just stared at him.

“Then the Slayer spirit attacked us all in our dreams to express her anger at intruding on her territory.”

“Well... I have to put up with Cordelia,” Angel said lamely.

“My life's a comic book,” Xander said, “and I swear the Primal and the Slayer visit each other now.”

“So what do we do about Spike?” Angel asked, deciding to ignore everything else Xander had said.

“I vote stake,” Xander said, “despite the chip in his head he's betrayed us several times.”

“You should date Dru,” Angel said.

“What?!” Xander asked wondering what that had to do with anything.

“Dating Dru would have driven anyone bonkers, that's why Spike's the way he is.”

“The only two vamps I'd date are Buffy and Willow, who look hot as hell as vamps.”

“Buffy?” Angel asked, wondering when and how he'd seen a vampiric Buffy.

“It was during the day when everyone's fears came to life; not important.”

“So if we staked Spike, what would we tell Buffy?” Angel asked.

“She'd probably stake us both, living and undead.”

“We can't just do nothing,” Angel insisted.

“I know a demon who breaks kneecaps for fifty bucks,” Willy offered, having drifted their way while cleaning the bar.

“I got a thousand I'm not doing anything with,” Xander said with a grin.

“He said it was only fifty,” Angel pointed out.

“When you buy beer do you buy a single can?”

“No generally I buy a case …” Angel trailed off and began to smile. “I got a thousand I'm not doing anything with either.”

Xander turned to Willy, “Tell your demon we got someone whose knees we want broken … frequently.”

Willy shrunk back. “Remind me not to piss you two off.”

AN: Typing by Godogma in between giggle fits.
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