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Learning the Ropes

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Summary: The guardian of Earth gets an opportunity to let humans stand on their own feet again and can't pass it up. Railroading Xander into a new career.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Anime > DB/DBZ
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered
deusexsububiFR1889,85055530,99016 Sep 111 Aug 13No

Chapter 1


I haven't posted anything I've written in years. Mostly you need to hold a gun to my head to make me write, but I had a bit of an idea and decided to run with it. I'm going to very INTENTIONALLY not give you any major clues for how the world is behaving at large while I write this. Just know this is set sometime in Season 4 of Buffy. Chill the hell out, read, and enjoy. Constructive criticism is welcome.

I will confess being a major fan of Team Four Star's Dragonball Z Abridged Parody. For those of you who have not watched that, you might be better served doing that after reading this. And then reread this, it'll make more sense. It'll even make more sense If I decide to keep writing.

And a disclaimer: I own very little. Certainly not the characters herein depicted. I may copyright a few of my own jokes, but that's TBD. Fandoms included are Buffy, DBZ, and I may illude to more, but that's all I'm willing to say at the moment.

On with the show!

With a hollow feeling in his chest, as most of his organs were currently spread all over his feet and the playground equipment behind him, Xander Harris faced his own mortality. He wasn't particularly impressed or pleased.. Xander was no stranger to death. They've met numerous times casually over the last four years of vampire slaying but never made an effort to really get close. They'd wave hello during a particularly rough battle or whenever his life would flash before his eyes, then death would go and get distracted by something shiny and forget about him for a while.

“Don't die on me Xander!”

Looking up, he saw the teary eyed face of his once crush, the vampire slayer Buffy Summers, looking down at him in a state of pure horror. Who knew? Sure, movie monsters spooked her, but to think she could have that expression at his entrails littering Wilkins Memorial Park....Oh.

She does care. She's going to need therapy after this. She's never been great at showing it. Yeah, lots of therapy.

Xander gives Buffy a wry smile, imaging her behavior on Prozac, blood leaking out of the corner of his mouth. He can't say any words as his lungs, by his estimate, looked like shriveled popped balloons.

Xander blinks one more time, a tear leaking from the corner of his eye. He finally closes his eyes and fades to black.


Buffy looked on in horror and utter confusion as her best male friend's remains faded out of view. Literally, all of his parts and body disappeared before her eyes. All that remained was the blood splatter over the various pieces of nearby park equipment where Xander had been gutted by a dreaded K'lau'roxx demon, the latest demonic tourist to want to take a crack at the reining Vampire Slayer. Buffy had been able to decapitate the pint sized creature with her concealed machete after she and Xander had been ambushed. Training and experience kicking in, she checked the demon corpse to find it already starting to turn into a purple florescent goop, satisfied that it was quite dead and no longer a threat.

Now, looking back at the red congealing puddles of her friends blood, she allows herself to be overcome and vomits into a nearby waste basket. The blonde managed to pull herself together, blinking tears from her eyes trying to think of who to go to and what to do. Buffy managed to decide to find Giles first to inform him of the nights events, and maybe see if Xander's disappearing corpse might be a good thing.

Meanwhile, on Kami's Lookout:

A short green figure, hunched over a walking staff looked on below to the Earth at large, having observed the events in Sunnydale.

“Mr. Popo?”

“Yes, Kami?”

“This smells like opportunity, Mr. Popo. We must act fast! Gather the dragon statue and stones. Be prepared to assist me with the ceremony.”

Popo blinked, slightly off guard that his master was finally taking the course of action they had concocted together millennia ago. “Yes, Kami!”

The ebony djinn made his way into the Lookout, gathering the dragon, the ceremonial knife and the not so ceremonial water canteen Kami would eventually require to drink from.

Making dragon balls was hard work. It doesn't help that Kami was practically being held together by duct tape, rust and hope as it is.

Dende gingerly stretched his ancient muscles and back, trying to loosen up for the exertions he would be about to undertake. After shaking a leg, he teleports!-

To the Heavenly Check In station.

Dende always got a kick out of how backasswards Heaven was. For a bureaucracy, it was run by a virtual dinosaur of a middle manager. Dende always felt Yemma should learn how to delegate, install a few computers, maybe a refreshment stand. Smiling at his own banal thoughts, Dende checked the line of souls to see if the young man had made it this far.

Xander was relatively easy to find. Being the one entity still with a corporeal body next to various luminescent clouds were a dead give away. As was the loud Hawaiian shirt he found himself wearing.

Xander himself was in a total state of confusion. For starters, he was thinking and breathing again, something he was pleased with, but knew shouldn’t be happening. There is also golden ring hovering a foot over his head and moved with him. He was also smack dab in the middle of a banker's queue with various clouds that seem to exhibit traces of personality. The line itself seemed to move slowly towards a large gate type construct. Looking on outside the queue, he noted that there were various humanoid but oddly colored people?-demons? Wearing short sleeved white shirts and black ties organizing traffic into various other lines. He noted as several very malcontent luminescent clouds seemed to be herded to an escalator going straight down.



“Hey! Human! Huuuuman! Over here!”

Xander searched to see who or what could be calling out. He turned and saw a green skinned elderly appearing demon (?) waving to him,

“Yes, I am talking to you, Alexander Lavelle Harris. Come over here. We have much to discuss.”

Not sensing any overt hostility, and considering the worst has already happened to him, Xander shrugged his shoulders and sighed “Screw it.” and moved to the green figure.

“Good, good,” the green figure wearing white and burgundy robes replied. “We're working on a tight schedule. I have a deal you won't be able to pass up for you, Xander. Walk with me. We'll bypass the line and get you started on your path.”

Dende power walked towards the gate, waving to various pencil pusher demons as he went. Xander, feeling oddly trusting, moved to catch up with him.
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