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SpongeXan and other YAHFs for the heck of it

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Summary: Several sharacters (one of them Xander) dress differently for Halloween. Characters are either from one TV show/book/etc., or having the same line of work. Hopefully original.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered > Theme: HalloweenKasyblackFR181013,4841214,5411 Oct 1110 Oct 12No

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In your face a bullet flew...

...will you get your final due?

Warning: swearing.

It all seemed damn irritating to Gunter. Twice! The cold-hearted two-faced bitch he loved had made a killing shot twice! Now, he was afraid his patience limit was running low… Ah, what the hell, he was thrilled. She was a bitch, a killer and she shot him twice he remembered. He was practically sure she might have shot him before, too. After all, the mystery silhouette in his dreams seemed not at all different from hers. Or was it just a premonition of the events soon to come?

She’d be the death of him, twice over… She was the queen of the night – swift, strong and deadly Martine. She was a refined lady – elegant, beautiful and of course easily lying Lilly. She was even more psychotic than him, and that was difficult result to reach. And similarly evil – like a thrum of murder in his blood, the love for excitement, the ecstasy of ending pitiful idiots living boring life in the world filled with evil and always turning their backs on the crimes committed in plain sight…

Gods, he wanted to fuck her, then shoot her, then fuck her again. And her playing three most dangerous men including himself, maybe even more? Ooooh, and her great lie to them all? She made them reluctant to kill her, even if they knew she most definitely betrayed all and every single one of them. He wanted her here and now. Where the hell was she? Wasn’t she going to confirm her new kill? He could think, that meant her mugshot was once again non-lethal. Maybe she did love him a bit on the bottom of her little black lying heart. Weren’t they a fun match?

After a moment of vertigo – like returning from the “out of body” dream – he noticed he was lying face down on some kind of the surface. He flexed his hands. Hmm… what was he thinking about? Oh yes, he could move his hands freely. Ergo, he wasn’t in the police custody. Probably. Perhaps Eve WhateverHerSurnameWas, the menopause-fearing sadistic sex-starved queen of the Bruteville’s lawless law enforcement decided he was domesticated already. Well, too bad for her. Nah, she knew him too well. Probably would have had a gun trained on his face had he been in her custody. Or her yellow taser in more… nether regions.

He groaned when the hand he tried to feel his face with had touched something suspiciously similar to the bandages. What the hell! He’d just gotten a bit used to the stupid goody-boy’s face (not that he would wouldn’t change it in a heartbeat given a chance to be back to himself). And to the suspicious “close friend” of his victim’s doing everything he could to not have a nervous breakdown looking at the killer looking like his partner. The crybaby cop was such fun to torture, really. And he continued following Gunter every once in a while. He also did not manage to stop looking like he swallowed something bitter every time Gunter did bad thing wearing his loved one’s face. Meaning he looked like lemon was his main diet course. And he was so adamant about Gunter having his face back! Probably to be able to finally shoot him, but still!

That copper did not even try to hide how much of a “meatlover” he was, even if he had kids with his beard. No straight man liked photos of the naked male torsos that much unless he wanted to tap himself some of that. And let’s not forget him listening to Celine Dion… pleasant music indeed.

What was he thinking about? Ah yes, sleeping with and shooting Martine, then making his “partner” cry, maybe killing him too? Nah, he was much too entertaining. Seriously? How do you manage to stay so relentlessly evil all the time? Really? He was simply precious! And he hilariously shot Gunter’s upper neighbor dead, wasn’t it drop dead amusing? Yes, yes it was! And his failed attempt to betray Gunter?..

But perhaps he had to start more short-term planning in. First, get the bandages off. Second, find a mirror. Third, become angry. Fourth, kill everyone responsible. Fifth, kill the witnesses and their neighbours and pets. Ja, ein gutes Plan. Six, find Martine. Seven, return to the department. What the?.. stupid copper’s implant face was still influencing his thought process!

He hopped up just in time for a small demon to miss his ankle with his teeth. He of course kicked the little fucker till he couldn’t even whimper. Gunter met human kids tougher than it. He was a most probably human kid tougher than this. Well, he was often called the darkest devil from the deepest pits of Hell, but what do they really know? Nothing.

Another tiny demon pounced, but the conveniently found bit of piping disabused it of its notions – whatever they were. Aaaah, he got it! So this was the heaven! He thought it would be whiter, but what the hell – this was more like his kind eternal bliss – eternal strife in the dark of the night! He was looking forward to meeting Joseph Stalin and Kim Chen Ir, not to mention Dick Cheney. Maybe he could even kill Johann Tannhauser some more?

Scheise, he was thinking too much. He’d definitely been worked on, possibly with drugs. Aaah, too much thinking! Not enough action! He was going mad!..

He checked himself and – what do you know? – there was his loffely gun, full of loffely blood-spilling bullets. He even had his police badge and the handcuffs! The Satan definitely loves me down there – he thought, shooting down a little faerie. Her wings even continued to move long after she stopped doing so.

It was grand. He did not stop moving, shooting or kicking them all down till they were still like the dead Mossad agents. Hmm, Martine so liked the way they arranged them… Now he only had to get his whiny cop “partner” here to freak out about his psychotic ways for a bit of pure bliss.

He had even almost forgotten the bandages. But after he robbed some stationery shop, he’d gotten scissors. Cut-cut, chop-chop, here we are… Schwanzlutscher Betze! He was an abgenutzt grune Gurke! Scheißkram! The verdammt copper was at least of age! Did the nicht gefickt alte Hure decide to get to him by the way of making him have no sex? Ha, the Fotzen loved his attitude almost as much as his großen dicken Schwanz! Ha-haha!

He searched his person again and found the receipt from Ethan’s Shoppe – nothing familiar, but he surely wasn’t in Brutesville anymore. He also got a wallet with maybe 15 bucks inside and the library card of the wimpy little donor of his current face. Library or the shop? Hmm, kids rarely want to spend time in the library. On the other hand, shops are better protected and the guards there can be armed. More likely for the undercover police operation. Maybe a room for surgery in the basement? Perhaps he could get himself some happy pills to go with murder spree?

With that happy thought Gunter Vogler, psychopathic criminal turned the most effective if reluctant copper had made way to find the elusive Ethan’s Shoppe, quest made difficult by his inability to ask directions – the pint-sized demons, while fun to kick, made poor conversation partners, and numerous people he met had almost as little idea about what was going on as he did – apparently many also had receipts of the Ethan’s Shoppe, cementing Gunter’s idea something was up. He also thought it thoughtful of them to get knocked out that easily, and add to his limited funds. He even dragged them – well, a couple of them at least – off the road and into the yard gardens to have some good time later.

He continued on, bashing everything that moved on the head, stomach and the even less pleasant to feel when kicked parts of body. He could get used to it! After the fifth – or was it fifteenth? So easy to lose count – tiny demon-fairy-princess-painted-cardboard-something (probably-robot) beaten into submission they started running away as soon as he was near. Hmm, or perhaps it was “beating them into demolition”? Yeah, he liked the sound of it!

And then – in a surprising turn of events he’d met Martine in her Lilly guise – well, it was not quite her, but he knew that crazy look in the eye anywhere. He was exhilarated enough to shoot her then and there. Only, it did not stick. No, not only that. It passed through her! Turnabout was a verdammt fair play! And he wasn’t seeing even a bit of blood! Where was the fairness of it all?

Dammit, she was the most conniving bitch ever! Coming in his dreams, in his hallucinations, everywhere! She betrayed him ten times over, but did he want her on his side? Definitely! Naughty Martine… she couldn’t be anything other than his soulmate!

“Naughty, naughty boy! Shooting your mamma in the face… and not the fun way!” She was shamelessly doing it again!

“Goddamit, woman! Stop calling me that! I do not want to fuck my mother!”

“So you say…” The bitch enjoyed the invulnerability of being a hallucination too much. Or was she a ghost? If so, he would murder the son of a bitch who killed her, robbing Gunter of his twice earned revenge. And of a lot of the revenge sex… More importantly, sex with Martine… The lowlife’s existence would end slowly and painfully.

And what do you know – thinking of revenge and being angered by the Martine-as-Lilly hallucination he finally found his mark. Of course, he entered. Well, if this did not look like a ficken cultist lair. Hmm, perhaps he was really a zombie? Hmm, that could be handy…

“Division of self…” was as far as whoever was at his back had gotten when Gunter nailed him in the stomach. “R-ripper! Knew… you’d…” The wheeze from the sleaze got interrupted by a clean uppercut. “I sincerely hope to become one for you this fine evening” – it was then that Gunter had gotten pen into the suspects’ hand. Let it be known he was merciful. After all, there were lots of places the pen could have easily gone to… and what a good quality stationery the shop had. Perhaps he’d even buy some things from there later.


Meanwhile, in the library Gunter decided not to visit (proving that even carnivorous rats had good instincts), someone was feeling gleeful. Seeing as the last memory he had was that of a long painful fall, most likely resulting in his death, he had all the reasons to be maliciously happy.

Of course, happy mood did not last long for one such as he. This man was, after all, a genius. Little and big clues most people ignored told him stories, and it took him less than five minutes to break doors to the librarian’s office and find the current and previous watchers’ diaries, flip through them and decide his course of action.

He should have died, but had not, reappearing into the world where magic existed for untold ages. But such appearance could have limited time. And he did not want to fall into oblivion. However possible, he would linger. If not as a full-out presence, he would remain as a strong echo, warping the host of his spirit into the worthy successor. Now only if he could find the source… Taking a few weapons and expertly hiding them of his person, Professor James Moriarty set into the night. He was missing his gun.


On the other side of town, a raven-haired beauty disarmed an overly amorous pirate and kicked him in the nads until he passed out. It was a strange night. She kept remembering killing Gunter again. Maybe because images of his face, his annoying presence kept popping within her mind, and with a different face once more. Was she missing him – the semi-new him, who could say “I love you” without calling her stupid, but who still did not deign to pay attention when she pointed the gun at him? Well… no, it couldn’t be. Probably wistful thinking… unless he had ridiculously managed to turn up alive once more.

Just in case, the black-haired Angel of Death, also known as Executioner of the Tannhauser Gang set out to follow the visions of Gunter Vogler to his current location. Ethan’s Shoppe sounded strangely familiar…


Meanwhile, the almost proper Lady grabbed at her throat, then let go… Bastard! He poisoned her! Even though she’d been oh so loyal! She’d crush him even if that was the last thing she did… And knowing him it probably would be.

Her anger had to recede, though, when a pint-sized demon attacked her. She kicked it down, then stomped on it with her heels. Hmm… perhaps she needed a makeshift weapon… and a retreat to consider her options. After all, even if her afterlife consisted of Hell, she was not being cooked on the fire or eaten alive. She resolved to keep it that way.
As Irene noticed a costume shop, a male figure giving her chills for some unforeseen reason had just turned the corner. She ducked inside, hiding behind some clothing racks. Painful whimpering of a human in pain distracted her for enough time to prevent her from leaving the shop before Professor James Moriarty strode in.


Torturing people without killing them outright was boring somewhat. No, not really. But he had to reign himself in, you see. Hmm, perhaps he should ask the man something? Nah, that would be boring as well. Maybe in a few minutes? He took another pen out, forcing his tortureé to whimper.


It took Moriarty less than two seconds to assess the situation. Well, did he admire the technique. This young man had a bright future in front of him indeed. Just what a man of his stature needed in new world, and probably with the same problem he has…

“Young man, I think we have a lot to discuss…”

As he had to block a pen an a crowbar with a dagger and a walking stick, he grinned.




Rupert Giles knew his kids were more then he ever anticipated. Yet he never in his wildest nightmares imagines himself in this situation. More than that, it was partially his fault for making them what they became now. Moriarty, frigging bastard, had taken their souls and twisted them all. And, while Giles had experience coming back from the dark side, the children did not. They were like the demented versions of themselves, ready to turn into dynamite sticks, or atomic bombs any second. And it was all his fault.

But, as a pretty much former villain twice over, he knew what he had to do. Even if being somewhat evil brought liberation, it would be subdued if ones higher on the food chain demanded to limit it enough and were powerful enough to force an issue. And being an intelligent and extremely observant man he was now, he knew what he had to do.

The infernal machines and any other weapon in his disposal would be used to keep his kids as innocent as possible being insane murdering psychopaths at least by half. With Moriarty’s expertise he had a chance to become a better support as well as leader of the band of would-be murderers. Not that they would need to get the experience to go with the memories till he was breathing. Well, aside from torturing Ethan from time to time, but that was plain therapy, and death was just an easy way out for the bastard's misdeeds.


Library was a good place to meet before. Close to the Hellmouth, far from everyone’s domains. Well, not so much after Giles became what he was. Still, they remained in the world-saving business. Also, saving the world did not pay bills, quite the contrary. And ignoring “the Ripper” was dangerous endeavor in his best days. And now, several months after the Halloween mess, their friendly company was all back together. And even paid per effort in any Apocalipse prevention plot. Not that that had stopped Xander from robbing the crypts and killing vamps. And demons. And giant mystical whatchamacallits. Mutants threatening to hurt others. Mutants hurting others. Demon hunters without due cause. Witches and warlocks hurting people.

He has come to peace with himself sometime ago. Mostly, at least. Giles’ rules enforcing had helped him in that regard. Sometimes, he wondered if the old librarian had managed to defeat the Moriarty influence. In the end, he decided not to dwell on it. If so, he was very good at playing his role. If not, Xaner did not want the walking weapon deposit man to go all gang-ho on him. Once was enough.

And getting paid monthly for his troubles was gratifying, even if he felt a pang of jealousy every time he was not included in the mastermind’s slowly growing criminal empire’s operations. Well, some acquired the funds, some had to save the world.

Perhaps it was all Xander’s fault for mocking the Broodboy Wonder. Because now all of them were the somewhat less divided versions of frigging demon-plus-soul.

Oh, he was all for protecting the innocents still. It’s just that his standards of the innocence was severely skewered now. And he was all for punishing slights sent in his general direction, as gayboy Larry found out the hard way.

But at least he could vent his frustration on humanity on its unfortunate specimen named Ethan Rayne, or the other people who managed to displease the new Giles severely enough to be imprisoned in his underschool Pits. You had better not try to cross people saving the world if your continued existence and wealth was not imperative to the world’s continued existence, after all.

Also, even if Cordelia had managed to shoot him at least twice with moderate success, she seemed to be warming up somewhat. She even totally missed his head with her throwing knives yesterday. And her firearms and cold steel weaponry had started to veer from vital areas for weeks now.

And Willow – well, were they ever more warm than now? Perhaps in Hell, not that he planned on getting there soon. Dick Chaney and Kim Chen Ir shall have to wait. If only his Willow-Lilly would stop her “momma” and “sissy” references, he’d be most happy.

He still thought her and Cordelia’s mind reading mumbo-jumbo was majorly creepifying. Hmm, if Cordy was reading Willow during the act, was it considered a threesome?.. Better not let her know he thought that.

Buffster was probably the least evil of them, but probably the sneakiest little sneak in vicinity. And was she ever the paranoid one? Never drinking anything she had not brought herself, in the sealed container she threw away with the slightest bit of tampering noticed.

Giles also seemed a bit maliciously disappointed whenever he offered her some tea and she refused. The shade of greenish-white she turned every time it happened was amusing indeed. There had to be some story there.

All-in-all, Xander realized with a jolt that he was happy. His friends were the amoral bastards, sure, but that was not the reason he liked them… and his life was beginning to turn alright. He thought of Cordy and Wills doing some “warming up” to him together. Alright indeed…




****
The theme of this little bit is “Immoral clever villains with no superpowers” and “costumed people leaving an imprint with the help of some magic”. Let’s pretend they tortured it out of Ethan Rayne.

Xander – Amoral and fearless psychopathic criminal Gunter Vogler (shot on his Boss’ orders and given the face – “inheriting” life of a police officer he killed) from Canadian, I think, comic crime 6-episode series “Bullet in the face”, a special August event on IFC.

Cordelia and Willow – Martine/ghost-Lilly (what would happen if neither part of her costume were from Buffy – meaning both of them were bought at Ethan’s – therefore, a resonance between them appeared, and she changed into meld of two costumes instead of single one of them) – two faces of his lover/attempted killer/“soulmate” from the very same show.

Giles becomes professor Moriarty from Game of Shadows – due to some kind of prop, probably not even Sherlock Holmes affiliated, bought by Miss Calendar to tease him for his PhD making him qualified enough to be a “Professor”.

Buffy – Irene Adler from the same movie, right after Moriarty poisoned her.

The End?

You have reached the end of "SpongeXan and other YAHFs for the heck of it" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 10 Oct 12.

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