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Amateur: Iron Chef

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Summary: Halloween, short and sweet story - Xander dresses up as a combination chef, while he’s visiting L.A. for a huge manga convention. His fun is pre-empted in a very unique way. So, today’s secret ingredient is...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered
Anime > Oishinbo
Anime > Yakitate!!
Movies > Stay Tuned
LilNezumiFR15410,046174,66624 Oct 1124 Oct 11Yes

Chapter One

Title: Amateur Iron Chef

Main pairing:  Xander/Spike (pre-slash only), others (if inspired, but I doubt it for this story)

MY Inspiration:  Buffy the Vampire Slayer (all media forms), Halloween (of course), Angel the Series (all media forms), Iron Chef: America (T.V. Reality, Cooking Competition), Real Persons (cast of Iron Chef: America as seen on Foodnetwork T.V.), Stay Tuned (movie 1992), Yakitate!! Japan (manga), Oishinbo (manga), Cooking Mama: Cook-Off (Wii)

Disclaimer:  This is my standard disclaimer; I don’t own anything in regards to the sources of MY Inspiration.  All publically recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

All the characters, worlds, base concepts or general ideas are just a bit food for the writing bug.  This story is pure fiction and is in no way meant to copy or reflect real life, events or people, should this happen then obviously it is pure coincidence.

Warning:  m/m pairing preferred style.  See profile for more information.

Summary:  YAHF, OOC in some folks, short and sweet story - Xander dresses up as a combination chef of many specialty experts while he’s visiting L.A. for a huge manga convention.  His fun is pre-empted in a very unique way.  So, today’s secret ingredient is -

Speech Legend: (This is the standard by which I write my stories and therefore you will not see this repeated in future chapters)

(…Other Languages/Mind Speak/Alternate Speech Patterns like sign language…)


Chapter One - Today’s Secret Ingredient Is? ...  Magic


“Welcome everyone to our very first episode of ‘Amateur: Iron Chef’ competition,” Alton Brown says facing the camera.  He smiles sweetly for the camera and prepares to give a little joke as part of the introduction.  Sometimes he acts like a fool and sometimes there is a quote by some famous or infamous person that really makes you think about... whatever topic he wishes you to think about all the while thinking about the great food that’s about to come out of the new ‘Kitchen Stadium’ given to the Iron Chef stage and provided by the Chairman.

Unknown to many first time spectators of any ‘Iron Chef’ program, Mr. Brown is a chef in his own right.  He has several cookbooks written that seem to specialize in introducing an average everyday household cook to the wonders of cooking with some flare.  His books teach you how to think about getting the taste and final result you want with everyday normal cookware or by giving the average Joe Chef an insight into the culinary ‘Whys’ of certain recipes.

In front of several computer monitor screens, Alton continues the show’s introduction sequence, “Tonight on the Iron Chef Stage we have a treat for all of you watching at home.  This week will be dedicated to ...”

The stage suddenly falls into darkness, as the power is cut and a static shock zaps the entire audience into silence.  The Iron Chefs waiting to be presented, the Chairman, the judges, the host and commentators of the show and the studio audience were at a loss as to why the power was out.  But all were prevented from moving until several moments later.

Everyone waited semi-patiently, as they were told that a change has just occurred in the Amateur Chef line because the current Challenger is being replaced by someone new.  The original challenger is disqualified because the producers found out that he’s a dropout student of some Culinary Institute from a prestigious town.  Dropouts of any Culinary Institutes had too much cooking knowledge to be deemed just  plain ‘amateurs’ in the subject of cooking, which is exactly what the show is trying to display on their program this week.

This week they were focussed on average people who’ve worked in the food industry, but have never chosen to seek out culinary work as a profession.  The station felt that it would be interesting to have individuals come to the Iron Chef stage with only the background cooking skills of someone who’s worked at the very least four cooking type jobs in the food industry, fast or otherwise. 

However these individuals also had to have been nominated for the show by a significant other, relative or close friend in order to go on the show because of the recipes that they’d normally produce in their average home.  There was a contest that searched for these individuals and there were a few other contest cook-offs for the best tasting food using mysterious ingredients.

Still there was something else that was off about the current silence and darkness of the stage.  The monitors in front of Alton Brown soon lit up with a whole new introduction sequence.  Currently there is a compulsive feeling in the whole stadium now.  There is nothing that he or any other normal human in the room could do to prevent the following from taking place.

“Our sincere apologies everyone for the delay in the proceedings here for tonight’s episode of Amateur: Iron Chef,” Alton read from the computer monitors, which lit his face up from underneath, much like campfire ghost-story tellers did using flashlights.  The cameras were on and rolling, but the rest of the stadium is still dark and the whole situation had a creepy vibe that nearly everyone there felt.

“There has been a change in the line up tonight as our first challenger is disqualified.  Now, it seems that our current show is being broadcasted only on HVTV, the one and only station that caters to the underworld Demon Lords and Hellish beings from various planes of existence,”  Alton continued reading.  “HVTV has, as many of you may or may not know, been experiencing a lag in viewers at this time of the year, so modern ‘human’ shows are now being tested for future use and programming on Hell-Vision Television.”

Fire flared up from the grills and the oven doors popped open belching forth small bursts of flame.  The judges were all there with two additional individuals that have been added.  This surprised the host and floor announcer, Kevin Brauch, but they were professionals and did not let any of the changes faze them.  They continued as though this sort of thing happened every day.

“Our challenger was found during this year’s Los Angeles Anime and Manga convention,” Alton said with his eyebrows raised.  “The challenger is experienced with spiritual possession of differing levels and has been spelled to be possessed by his current costume for this competition.”  He paused and then a stage hand appeared from the back where the challenger was placed in wait.  The stage hand was carrying a note.

“Uh-oh,” Alton said.  “It appears that there has been a technical malfunction to the spell possessing our challenger.  The casting was complete however the choice of costume by the challenger appears to be an amalgamation of several manga stories and a competition game for the Wii Console.  We will pause for this commercial break in order to allow the judges to review this situation.”

The studio audience is being treated to a big screen viewing of the commercial that was apparently playing on the strange television station.  (...i...)



(1st commercial)

A long distance car trip with two children in the back seat, singing the “Song that never ends, my friend” and between the two a small yappy dog was barking in time to the annoying tune.

Mother:  Leans forward with her head in hands and rubbing her temples, says, “Ohhh!  They’re driving me crazy.

Father:  Squinches his face up at a particular shrill note from the girl-child in the back seat and says, “I know.  I just wish that there was some way to shut them up!”

Demonic voice over in a deep voice says:  “Done.  For those long, tedious car trips, all you need is... (iron door, cage or jailhouse bars slamming shut sound)... ‘The Silencer of the Lambs’!  Driving will never be the same with your new Silencer of the Lambs.”

Mother and Father:  Both look quickly in the back seat to see the two children masked and straight-jacketed.  They both turn to face forward, sigh, smile and say, “Thank you Silencer of the Lambs.”

Dog:  Still barking when (same clanking sound occurs) it’s suddenly masked and wrapped up like a sausage roll.

Demonic voice over:  in a deep voice says, “Silencer of the Pets, sold separately.”


The screen darkened and the regular flood lights properly light the food stadium. 

Alton Brown focussed on the camera facing him, as he explained, “Ladies and gentlemen, the judges and alternate dimension producers have agreed to allow the challenger to continue on.  It appears that he’s not squeamish in the least about being possessed by the different personalities of his current costume.” Alton shrugged and then said, “Our amateur challenger is known to have been employed in nearly all the fast-food franchises in America with his longest job time being four months and three days at ‘Hotdog-on-a-Stick’.  Everyone please welcome our challenger for this evening, Alexander LaVelle Harris, who likes to simply be known as Xander.”



(...i...) All commercials found in this story are courtesy of the 1992 movie “Stay Tuned” - slightly modified for this tale, but let me disclaim and state - in no way, shape or form does this author claim to be associated with, dah, dah, dah, ... see full disclaimer above for complete version of how I don’t own the original concepts in this story.  (NOTE:  “Amateur: Iron Chef” is mine!!!)
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