Disclaimer: I own none of the characters from the Buffy verse or the Marvel Avengers Movie verse...
How the hell did you hijack this story Tony? This is supposed to be a Darcy-centric series!!
Thanks to Ithildin (yet again) for the title.
"I really hope you have a set of lock picks hidden on you," was the first thing Tony heard when he opened his eyes.
Staring blankly at the grimy ceiling above him, he blinked a few times to kickstart his brain. He was pulled into a seated position by his cellmate, Darcy, as he answered, "I usually have a few in different places. As long as I still have my clothes and shoes."
"They took your jacket and our shoes, but they didn't undress us," Darcy replied, glaring at her stocking feet. "Those shoes cost me a month wages. I better get them back."
"I'll buy you a new pair," Tony replied before leering as Darcy wiggled out of her stockings.
"Shut it, perv," Darcy said without heat as she smoothed out her black dress. "It'll be easier to escape without sliding around in my stockings. Now, lock picks?"
A few moments after digging into the seams of his tuxedo pants, Tony had a pair of professional lock picks in his hands.
"Is that how they always looked pressed?" Darcy asked with a smirk as Tony knelt down in front of the lock.
"Partially," he replied distractedly as he fiddled with the lock. "And, why did you assume I have and can use lock picks?"
"You're Tony Stark. Duh," Darcy replied. "If I were to bet who had a 'get out of jail or kidnapping' kit, it would be you."
"I don't know if I should be insulted or flattered," Tony said as he stood up and cracked open the door.
"You got us out of our cell, feel flattered." Darcy came up behind him. "Do you want me to take point until we get you a weapon?" she asked in a whisper now that she was at the slightly open cell door.
"Do you know what we're up against? Normal mercenaries, or something worse?"
Darcy shrugged. "No idea."
Nodding, Tony waved her ahead. "Then, ladies first."
Rolling her eyes, Darcy crept down the hallway and peeked around the corner at the end.
Tony paused at a doorway halfway down the hall. "Want to check to doors in this hall, or go forward?"
"Check the doors. If they aren't locked, maybe we'll find something."
"We're more likely to find good stuff in locked room," Tony pointed out.
"Stop using logic on me," Darcy frowned. "Fine, we'll check the locked rooms, if you can get them unlocked in short order."
The third door tried proved to be locked and easy to open. Peeking in, Tony muttered, "Jackpot."
"What?" Darcy asked from her position watching the adjoining hallway.
"Looks like an armory of some sort. Lots of guns, rifles, swords... You want a sword or anything?"
"I'll take a short sword, and something non-edged like a staff." Darcy replied. "If these guys are human, I can't kill them."
"Noted. Be right back." With that, Tony slipped into the room and left the door ajar. A few minutes later, he came back with his pockets bulging with ammunition, an automatic rifle strapped to his back and a pistol in one hand. In his other hand, he had a sheathed sword and belt, plus a pair of nunchucks.
"Everything else has an edge," Tony said with a shrug as Darcy stared at the two lengths of wood connected by a short length of chain now in her hand.
"Fine," she sighed as she strapped the sword around her waist. "Let's get this show on the road. I'll take one side of the hall, you take the other?"
Nodding, Tony got into position and the two began to creep down the corridor.
Pausing at the next junction, after making sure the coast was clear, Darcy looked over and whispered, "You're paying me double the next time you need a date for an event. I want hazard pay."
Rolling his eyes, Tony nodded and waved her forward.
A few minutes of sneaking later, Darcy held her hand up in a 'stop' gesture. "Guard around corner," she muttered in Tony's ear after crossing the hall.
"Can you take him?" Tony muttered back.
Darcy nodded. "He's facing away. Just a moment."
Darcy snuck around the corner and the sound of a body falling was soon heard. Darcy came back into view backwards, pulling the unconscious man by his ankles.
"How do you do that?" Tony asked.
"I'm strong enough to do the Vulcan nerve pinch," Darcy grinned in reply.
"I need to get with JARVIS and see if I could do that in the suit," Tony muttered to himself. "Have to be careful about the pressure. Too much, and it could kill instead of incapacitate."
"Tony," Darcy hissed. "Create later, escape now."
After sneaking through multiple halls, Darcy again held her hand up for them to stop. "I can hear people arguing through that door," she whispered.
Nodding, Tony positioned himself behind Darcy to one side of the door. "Ready," he whispered.
Slowly pulling the door open, Darcy peeked in. "You've got to be kidding me," she muttered as she slid into the room. The two were hidden by an eight foot stack of packing crates. "They have the doorway out of line of sight."
"Amateurs," Tony replied quietly with a roll of his eyes. The two slid between two crates to hide from possible patrols as they listened to the argument farther in the room.
"I'm telling you," a deep male voice shouted. "We should tie them up!"
"And, I'm telling you," a higher male voice shouted back. "We don't need to! They're locked up tight in an empty room with no window!"
"He's an Avenger!"
"Without his fancy suit. He's helpless!"
Tony growled. "Why does everyone assume I can't do damage without my suit?"
Holding her hands up, Darcy shook her head and whispered back, "Don't look at me. I figured out how dangerous you were months ago. Also, you're not allowed near fertilizer when I'm in the vicinity."
"Noted," Tony quietly replied with a vicious grin. "Shall we kick some ass?"
Nodding, Darcy pulled the nunchucks from inside her sword belt. "Try not to shoot me, Stark," she grinned as she started to sneak away.
Rolling his eyes, Tony nodded as he took the safety off his hand gun and started to sneak in the opposite direction.
"If we tie them up, it would be easier to separate them and have some fun with the girl," one of the men leered as Tony peered between the crates.
'I really need to restart work on a sub-dermal mic and receiver,' he thought to himself as he lined up his shot from a gap between two crates. 'It would make it so much easier to communicate with others.' Two quick shots later, both of the formerly arguing men were on the ground and groaning in pain, a round through each of their right knees.
A blur came out of the opposite side of the room and soon, the two men were unconscious from blows to the temple from Darcy's nunchucks. "Not bad, Stark."
"Thank you," Tony said with a shark's grin as he pulled himself through the gap he had fired through. "Now then, shall we continue?"
"I'd say pull these two into a dark corner, but they'd just follow the blood trail." Looking down at the two unconscious men, Darcy continued, "Will they bleed to death?"
Tony shrugged. "Don't care. I don't like the way their conversation was heading."
"Ah, Mr. Stark." Darcy fluttered her eyelashes. "You do care about me!"
"Let's get out of here," Tony replied, ignoring her.
The two continued sneaking on their way.
"They're officially amateurs," Tony muttered. "There hasn't been anyone running to check on the shots."
"I noticed," Darcy replied. "Hey look!" Pointing ahead of them, she waved at the cavernous room. "Motor pool!"
"Hopefully, we'll find something with panache," Tony said as he glanced over the cars.
Darcy quickly ducked behind a pile of tires as they heard someone approach.
"Hey, you!" a man in camo yelled, pointing an assault rifle at Tony.
Tony raised an eyebrow in reply. "I'm sorry, I've lost my car. Aren't you the valet?"
"Hands up!" the man shouted, not seeing Darcy come up behind him.
Tapping the man on the shoulder, Darcy decked the guy as he flinched and turned around. Staring at his now unconscious body, she sighed, "Why did he have to have a glass jaw? I wanted to kick his ass."
Shaking his head, Tony slid behind the wheel of an open sided jeep. "I guess this is the best of the lot. I'll get it started while you find the outer door switch."
"On it," Darcy said as she jogged over to the two story tall garage doors across the room.
It only took a few moments for Tony to hotwire the vehicle. He began maneuvering it in the direction Darcy had run when the large gate leading outside blew inward. Automatically ducking sideways across the front seats, he pulled the wires he had crossed apart to turn the vehicle off. He then slid out of the jeep and pulled the rifle off of his back. Using the jeep as cover, he aimed his rifle towards the explosion area.
He took aim at the shadowy figures ahead as the smoke cleared. As their features solidified in the fading smoke, he lowered his rifle and stood up. "What the hell took you guys so long?"
Captain America could only stare in shock as Hawkeye lowered his bow.
"Darce!" Tony shouted out. "You okay?"
"As one of my teachers would say," Darcy replied as she came out from behind another car, "Five by five."
"Tony?" Steve asked disbelievingly.
"Yes?" Tony replied with his head cocked.
"Anthony!" Thor boomed out from the back of the group of Avengers. "We've come to rescue you and the Lady Darcy!"
"I'm sorry?" Tony asked with raised eyebrows.
"Of course!" Thor continued. "Lady Darcy did well to get the two of you this far."
"Again!" Tony exclaimed as he put the safety back onto his rifle and held it pointed towards the ground. "What is it with people and their misconceptions on what I can do?!"
"Look at it this way," Darcy replied as she carefully made her way over through the debris. "You get underestimated all the time."
"I'm sorry?" Natasha asked, looking confused.
Tony growled. "What did my company design before I became Iron Man?"
"Weapons?" Clint replied, almost hesitant.
"Yes, exactly." Tony nodded as if that explained everything.
"I do not get it," Thor stated, a look of concentration on his face.
"I know how to clean, break down, and fire every single weapon Stark Industries sold," Tony pointed out. "Everything from hand guns up to the Jericho missile system. Or, did we all forget the reason I became Iron Man in the first place?" Taking a deep breath, he started to stop towards the exit. "Never mind, I'm hiking back to wherever the command center for this shindig is. Have fun mopping up."
Darcy gave a little grin and shrug before running to catch up. "Hey, Mr. Superhero, wait up! I don't want to have to explain the kneecaps or the bodies more than once!"