Be Careful What You Wish For
DISCLAIMER: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is owned by Joss Whedon.
Cordelia trailed off and reached up to finger the antique pendent hanging around her neck and looked over at the new girl who was being so friendly with her to reconsider what she had been about to say.
She had almost said she wished Buffy hadn’t come to Sunnydale since that’s when her troubles started, but that’s not true. The weirdness and the vampires had always been here, it’s just that she never noticed before. Maybe she’d been too young to really ping the vampire’s radar or maybe she’d just been blind to it like her sheep-like ex-friends. Whichever it was, Buffy moving to Sunnydale didn’t bring the troubles with her. This mess wasn’t her fault and out of all of the gang, she was the most sympathetic to Cordelia’s pain. She’d even tried to help in her own freakish loser way.
No. She knew who’s fault all this really was.
“You really want to know what I wish?”
The new girl, Anya, nodded her head eagerly.
“I wish that bitch Willow Rosenberg would stop the sweet innocent never-do-wrong routine she’s got everyone fooled with and would just be the dirty man-stealing slut she is. I wish that everyone knew without a shadow of a doubt that Willow was an easy open-kneed whore.” She shrugged and grimaced slightly, “Well, that and I wish I’d have had a real boyfriend that wasn’t afraid of commitment and would stick by me when the going got tough.”
Anya grinned in wicked delight before her face twisted into something horrific and demonic. Then she said in a deep and echoing voice, “Wish granted” before she disappeared in a puff of sulfur scented smoke.
Cordelia was shocked and for a second she was very concerned about what had just happened, but then she felt a sharp pain twisting through her stomach and her organs felt as if they were shifting and moving under her skin. She wrapped her arms around her middle and bent over slightly to ride out the pain.
“Oh God…what’s happening to me?”
The pain was incredible and slightly disturbing as it was accompanied by movement under her skin. She considered throwing up for a brief second and then the sensation began to lessen.
“Oh! My! God! Don’t you dare drop that baby here in front of me! I’ll puke, I swear it.”
Cordelia glanced up to see Harmony and Aura sneering at her with mildly alarmed looks in their eyes.
“Can you imagine if she did? I mean, that’s gross. We’d be forced to watch as another generation of loser was brought into the world. How sad can you get, you know?”
Cordelia sneered right back even as she mentally sighed in annoyance. She’d thought that evil fairy godmother Anya might have changed things so she wasn’t in the doghouse anymore what with the freaky face and the wish granting thing. Obviously not.
“Watch who you’re calling a loser, you airheaded sheep.”
Cordelia stood up straight to keep yelling at them, but her attention was completely taken over by the fact that she was fat. Extremely fat.
Right around the middle. Her stomach stuck out horrifically in a way that couldn’t be hidden.
Harmony ignored her expression of mixed terror and confusion.
“Of course I’m calling you a loser. You used to be Queen of this school. Then you got yourself knocked up by that loser Jessie McNally!”
Aura nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I mean it’s one thing to spread your legs for a rich boy with a future, but you just had to pick one of the two biggest dorks in the school!”
Harmony and Aura shared an amused look before turning back to Cordelia and chorused, “Loser!” before stalking off across the quad.
Watching them go Cordelia whispered, “But Jessie’s dead. He got vamped and Xander dusted him to save me.”
Almost without thought, she laid a hand on her stomach and then jerked it back when she felt movement fluttering under her skin. The baby had moved.
“Oh God! I need to see Giles!”
He would know what to do about that evil fairy godmother that turned her into a pregnant teen.
Determined not to break down and cry, Cordy made her way across the quad without waddling at least and pulled open the door to the school. She had to push and shove her way through the halls although most people got out of her way once they saw it was her. She had a feeling that it was more due to her obvious pregnancy than any fear or respect that she was Cordelia Chase, however.
Then she came to a knot of boys that she couldn’t quite get around. She noticed that most of the girls were glowering in that direction, but wasn’t sure why. A few firm applications of elbows to ribs and the low heel of her pumps to shins and she was in the center of the pack.
There, leaning provocatively against the janitor’s closet door was Willow Rosenberg. It was a Willow that Cordy had never seen before. Her long red hair was cut in long layers and floated back from her heavily made-up face. Her top was a super tight midriff baring baby-tee and her skirt was a hip hugger that flared into a ruffle. It was so short it barely covered her panties and didn’t even meet the tops of her stay-up stockings. On her feet were stiletto heels so high it was a wonder Willow didn’t topple off of them.
Then Willow saw her. And she smiled a real smile at Cordelia.
“Oh, hey Cor. Jessie’s in the library with the gang if you’re looking for him. I’ll be there later,” her eyes shifted to roam around the boys surrounding her and her smile melted into a leer. “After I’ve sated my hunger for raw meat.”
The boys chuckled knowingly and Cordelia could only nod, not having a clue what was going on in bizzaro-land.
Then Willow reached out with one hand and latched onto Percy West’s shirt.
She scanned the boys again and then reached out with her other hand to latch onto Jason Freely, “you.”
Then Cordelia watched as she dragged the two boys back into the Janitor’s closet and the door closed behind them to the encouraging hoots of the other boys.
Not knowing what else to do, Cordelia turned and made her way to the library as fast as she could. This wasn’t right. Willow Rosenberg didn’t dress like she walked out of an 80’s hair-metal band’s music video and have guys lined up waiting for the chance to bang her between classes. Jessie was long since dust. And she wasn’t pregnant.
A quick glance down at her rounded stomach. At least, she wasn’t supposed to be.
She pushed open the doors and saw Giles and hurried towards him. And was ambushed by Jessie.
He pressed up close to her, wrapped one arm around her shoulders and the other reached out to run a hand gently down her rounded belly.
“Hey baby mama. I was wondering when you’d show up.”
Then he leaned down to kiss her.
Cordelia freaked out and slapped him across the face while screeching at the top of her lungs.
Pulling away, she dashed behind Giles to hide.
“You’re dead! You were turned and Xander dusted you! I was there, I saw it. How did you stop being a dusted vamp!”
Everyone just sorta stopped and turned to look at the very pregnant Cordelia hiding behind Giles and glaring out at Jessie from behind his shoulder. Giles’ eyes were very wide with surprise.
Then Jessie turned and mock glared at Xander. “You dusted me, bro?”
Xander shrugged with one shoulder and wrapped his arm around Kendra. “My honey here made me do it. Sorry.”
Cordelia’s head whipped around and she stared at Xander and Kendra, aghast.
“Kendra? You’re dead too!”
The group blinked in surprise, but before anyone could comment on it Cordelia spoke again.
“What…you come back from the dead just to grope my boyfriend?” She scrunched up her nose, “Well, ex-boyfriend.”
Kendra shrieked, “Ah neber groped Jesseh!” even as Jessie yelled, “EX boyfriend? When did you date Xan?”
Giles rolled his eyes and muttered, “Dear Lord, leave me out of this…” and walked away from in front of Cordelia to sit at the research table across from Buffy and Oz who were both watching the drama with enthralled expressions on their faces.
Cordelia rallied enough to get a grip and shook her finger at Jessie. “We never dated. You’re dead. Dust. I saw you get dusted years ago in the Bronze when you and Darla and that nutjob Luke invaded the place.” She spun and pointed at Kendra. “And you! You were killed last year when Drusilla attacked the Library. She slit your throat open.”
That’s when Buffy stood up and entered the conversation.
“What? That’s not what happened. I remember the Harvest very well, thank you very much. I had nightmares about Luke and Darla and what almost happened for a long time after, so I should know. Darla tried to trick Jessie into going off with her, but Xander and I chased her off and Jessie was fine. “
“Well, more like Buffy chased Darla off. I just mentioned to Jess that you wouldn’t appreciate him going off with some random blonde chick and he lost total interest in her.”
Jessie rolled his eyes. “Of course I forgot all about that vamp-ho. As if any woman can compare to my Cordy.”
“And den dere’s meh.” Kendra glanced uncertainly up at Xander, “De vamp Drusilla neber attacked de library…at least, not when Ah was here.”
Xander nodded in agreement. “She never attacked here at all.”
Everyone nodded in agreement to Xander’s statement.
Jessie bit his lip in worry and then stepped over to Cordy and tried to wrap an arm around her, but she stepped back out of the way.
“Babe…what’s wrong? Why are you acting like this?”
Cordelia glared at him, confusion, frustration and anger swirling through her.
“Acting! I’m not acting. This…” she swept her hand in a wide arc to take in the entire library and ending up including her rounded stomach, “all of it, it’s wrong! This isn’t the way things are supposed to be. I’m not supposed to be an unwed pregnant teen. You’re supposed to be dust. Kendra’s dead! Buffy and Oz aren’t supposed to be all cuddly. This, it’s all wrong.”
“Unwed?!” Jessie yelled and everyone else cringed.
He held up a fist and pointed to a gold band around his left ring finger.
“Then what the hell do you call this?”
Cordelia stared at the obvious wedding ring for a long moment before glancing down at her left hand and seeing an identical band alongside a small engagement ring.
Kendra smiled gently, “It was a lovely wedding. Ah came ta attend an’ dat’s when Ah started datin’ Xandeh.”
Cordelia just blinked at her in confusion.
Finally, Giles entered the conversation. “Cordelia….er, when did you start, uh, thinking this way? When, exactly, did these revelations hit?”
Cordelia rolled her eyes. “This isn’t some bit of trivia I read in a book, Giles. This is my life, I think I’d know if I were married and pregnant or not.”
She huffed out a breath and straightened her shoulders.
“Fine. I was in the quad and being pissed off at Xander for cheating on me with that slut Willow.”
Jessie glared at Xander, “You been seeing my girl behind my back, bro?”
Xander shook his head. “No. I might’ve slept with Wills…a lot, but I never dated Cordy here.”
Jessie snorted, “Everyone’s slept with Wills.”
Everyone got a sort of sheepish looking smirk and nodded. Except Kendra who pouted, “Ah neber slept wid Wills.”
Xander patted her shoulder and grinned, “We’ll fix that soon, love. You’ll enjoy it. Trust me.”
Again, everyone nodded in agreement.
Cordelia’s eyes went wide in surprise and shock.
“Oh my god! She did it! She actually did it! She turned Willow into a giant slut bag!”
“Hey!” Jessie and Xander said together, even as Jessie finished with “My best friend you’re dissing!” and Xander finished with “Watch your tone of voice when you call her a slut!”
Buffy was the one to latch onto the relevant part of what Cordelia had said.
“Who, Cordelia? You said someone did this. Who was it?”
Cordy shrugged and ignored the boys to turn to Buffy.
“The new chick…er, Anya or Ann or Annie or something like that. We were talking and I was complaining about Xander and Willow and she said something like granted or grande and then her face went demony before she disappeared in a puff of smoke.”
Buffy reached out and grabbed Oz’s hand for support before turning a concerned face to Giles. “Could this demon have done something to Cordy’s memories?”
Giles’ eyes widened and then his head tilted slightly as he considered it. “Well, I suppose it could be done…with, er, with enough magic. But…er, why? I mean, why would a demon do such a thing?”
“Hey!” Cordelia snapped, “Nothing’s wrong with my memories. I remember just fine. It’s all of you that are having memory issues.”
Buffy rolled her eyes.
“Yes, the demon affected everyone in the world, but you. I’m sure.” She gestured around the library, “Even though you remember Jessie, your husband no less, as being dead. According to your memories he’s dead and Kendra is dead. You can’t remember me and Oz getting together and that was a year ago. I mean, yes, it’s obvious that it’s us and not you.”
“Yeah, but G-man’s got a point. Why would some demon mess with Cordy’s memories? What’s the point of having her forget Jessie?” Xander asked.
“To tear our group apart.” Oz said.
Everyone stopped and blinked at that bit of wisdom for a moment and then Buffy nodded.
“Oz is right. With Cordy unable to remember Jessie, it would polarize the group with half of us helping Jessie and half of us helping Cordy. If we were focused on that, maybe they could slip something past us while we’re distracted.”
There was a meaningful pause as everyone considered that. Then Xander frowned.
“Yeah, but who or what is the distraction for?”