Disclaimer: I own no recognizable characters.
"You wanted to see me, Son of Coul?" Darcy asked as she poked her head through the open doorway of Coulson's office.
Coulson nodded. "Yes, come in and shut the door."
"Uh oh." Darcy looked pensive as she closed the door and sat down.
"You've been Doctor Foster and Selvig's assistant for awhile now."
"Yes." Darcy looked more confused. "Am I getting fired?"
Rolling his eyes, Coulson leaned back in his chair. "No, you're getting promoted."
Leaping up, Darcy glared. "Where is SHIELD trying to move me to?"
"As I said," Coulson replied, ignoring the angry look he was getting. "You've been Doctors Foster and Selvig's assistant for awhile now. You have your job handled so well, you are able to spend seventy five percent of your time on the internet."
"I get all the work done! Even more than necessary!"
Coulson calmly nodded. "Exactly. Due to your efficiency, SHIELD wants you to be the administrator of the science department. You'd still be Jane & Erik's personal assistant; you're just going to be riding herd on the full science department as well."
"I don't have the science chops to do that," Darcy pointed out.
Pushing a folder across his desk, Coulson shook his head, "You don't need to know exactly how the science they do works. You just need to keep doing what you're doing for Doctors Foster and Selvig. Basically, keeping them alive, collating their paperwork for myself and Director Fury, and make sure they don't kill each other, or the planet."
"I'm the nanny then?" Darcy asked as she relaxed and sat back down, pulling the folder into her lap.
"Yes. A very well paid nanny, with a higher security clearance."
Darcy gave a grin. "I can send them to timeout if they try to blow up the Bronx?"
Pinching his nose, Coulson sighed. "After what happened last time, yes, please do."
"Sign me up," Darcy said, her grin widening. "Does this mean our meetings will be more frequent?"
Coulson shook his head. "I think weekly will be fine. They may last an hour or more because of the size of your staff, however."
Glancing at the paperwork in her lap, she reached for a pen. "Can I tase them?"
"Only if they really deserve it, and you're one hundred percent sure the electricity won't harm anything in the labs."
Darcy shrugged. "I'll just pull them into the hall in that case."
"How's the promotion going?" Natasha asked as she stole fries off Clint's plate and ignored the soft 'hey!' from him.
Darcy shrugged. "Once the scientists got the idea that, yes, I did have the ability to lock them out of their labs, cut their funding, and even tase them for bad behavior, it's going well."
Clint's eyebrows rose. "You tased someone?"
"Not yet," Darcy replied with grin. "But, just waving an active taser has been quite the attitude adjuster."
"Stop eating my fries, Tasha!" Clint exclaimed as he slid farther away.
Rolling her eyes, Natasha went back to her chef salad. Looking down, she saw the small pile of fries on the corner of her plate and grinned back at the smirking Darcy.
"No, Doctor Cine, you can't do the experiment," Darcy sighed from behind her desk in her new office.
"And, why not?" the scientist asked, his arms failing about. "It's a legitimate experiment!"
"We want something that can help SHIELD, the world, or both," Darcy glared as she stood up behind her desk. "According to your request, this is nothing but a 'what does this do?' idea I'd think Aperture Science would come up with. And, since that was a company that created a diet gel made of fiberglass, I'm going to say no."
Ignoring her reply, Doctor Cine threw up his hands, "It could benefit humanity!"
"It's based off the use of pure barium. Which first of all, is highly explosive if exposed to air. Secondly, barium is highly toxic. You'd know this if you actually had paid attention to even high school chemistry!" Darcy replied.
Doctor Cine reared back as if he had been slapped. "How... how did you know?"
Narrowing her eyes, Darcy pressed a concealed button on the underside of her desk, causing her office door to lock and an emergency signal to go to security. "I may not have a scientific degree, but I do know the basics. It was too bad I couldn't make a college chemistry class work with my schedule. Then again, I wouldn't have met Jane." She shook herself and narrowed her eyes at the scientist. "You seem a bit more shocked at my refusal and the reasoning behind it than you should be."
Turning, Doctor Cine tried to pull the door open. "Let me out!"
"Not until security gets here," Darcy replied, her taser suddenly in her hand. "I think they need to have a chat with you about explosive chemicals."
"Darcy, may I ask you a question?" Steve asked as the residents of Avengers tower were gathering for movie night.
"You may," Darcy primly replied before grinning widely.
Steve nodded. "Why do you use a taser so much?"
"Yeah!" Tony exclaimed. "I've been wondering that too."
Darcy shrugged. "I have super strength, and like sharp, pointy objects. If the situation warrants it, I use one or the other. But, usually, it doesn't. Plus, by using a taser, I don't accidently permanently hurt someone. I just... get the annoyance out of the picture."
"And, a heart attack isn't permanent damage?" Bruce asked with raised eyebrows.
"No one has ever had a heart attack from my taser!" Darcy exclaimed. "Why do you think I keep it away from Stark?"
"Hey!" Tony exclaimed. "I just want to make it better!"
"Ms. Lewis!" a male voice shouted from down the hall.
Sighing, Darcy turned around and retraced her path. Stopping at the lab with the propped open door, she walked in. "Who left the door open? It's a clear violation of lab protocol." Noticing Clint in the room, she continued, "Was that you, Agent Barton?"
Clint shook his head and gave a grin. "It was open when I wandered in. It's actually why I came in. And, since when did you care about lab protocol?"
Rolling her eyes, Darcy kicked the box holding the door open and let it shut behind her. "Mostly, I don't. As long as nothing explodes. The scientists are good at their own protocols. But, I do care about lab seals when I found out the type of stuff they work on here. I'd rather have a locking door between me and whatever monstrosities the lab geeks come up with."
"Excuse me!" the harried looking scientist exclaimed.
Darcy raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Doctor Williamson?"
"Get this uneducated buffoon out of my lab!" the scientist screamed.
Darcy gave Clint a stern look, and tried to stop herself from smiling. "Agent Barton, are you harassing my staff?"
"Only when they're math is wrong," Clint replied with a shrug as he crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"I think I'd know if my math was wrong!" Doctor Williamson shrilly screamed.
"Doctor Williamson, calm down, or I'm booting you from the labs for the day for your mental health," Darcy said calmly. "Agent Barton, why is his math wrong?"
Clint waved his hand at one of the many whiteboards in the room. "The diagram there. I don't know what he's doing, but that's trajectories. He's got the trajectory off. Big time."
Darcy stared at Clint, then Doctor Williamson, then the whiteboard in question, then nodded. "Doctor Williamson, you do know what Agent Barton is good at, do you not?" Darcy asked. Not giving the scientist time to start yelling again, she continued, "He's a sniper. Specifically, an expert with the bow. He's so good, that even without super powers or the use of highly advanced technology, he's a member of SHIELD's elite response team, the Avengers. I bring this up, because, as he's an expert with a bow, he's also an expert on trajectories. He understands them instinctively. Perhaps you could double check your math there?"
Doctor Williamson started to turn red in the face. "I refuse to have my theories murdered by people who have no basis in the sciences!"
"Then, you can go home for the day to calm down," Darcy calmly replied. Turning to Clint, she nodded. "Thank you for your assistance, Agent Barton."
Shrugging, Clint wandered from the room and softly closed the lab door behind him.
"I'm taking this to your supervisor!" Williamson exclaimed as he stormed out of the lab.
Following the scientist into the hall, Darcy turned and slid her keycard into the keypad beside the door. Pressing a few buttons on the keypad, she locked the lab. "Go ahead, Doctor Williamson. As Agent Coulson is out of town, I'll set up an appointment for you with Director Fury."
The scientist, who had been muttering about the pencil pushing idiots that surrounded him, abruptly stopped. "What do you mean, Coulson and Fury?"
Smirking slightly, Darcy replied, "My immediate supervisor is Agent Coulson. After that, it's Director Fury."
"You must be mistaken," Williamson replied faintly. "There has to be others in your chain of supervisors."
Her smirk widening, Darcy shook her head. "No, there isn't. Now, I'm sure Director Fury's assistant can work us in for a few minutes, so, shall we?"
Williamson, his skin pale, started to back away. "Perhaps you're correct. I'll go home for the day, for my mental health. Tomorrow, I'll double check the section Agent Barton was concerned about."
"You do that. Have a pleasant evening!" Darcy called towards the rapidly retreating scientist.
Aperture Science... This is the second time I've mentioned them in this series (the first being Darcy's business card). It's a company from the Portal series of games. Aperture Science was founded in 1953 by Cave Johnson, a former shower curtain salesman. Here's a good quote by Cave that I think shows the company's philosophy: "Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You ask: why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired."
We're talking about a company that tried to turn human blood to gasoline or peanut water... Because they can.
Doctor Williamson may have slightly been influenced by Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory. Just slightly…