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Not The Princess Type

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Summary: Faith and Spike are in a little town in Maine for an interesting reason, but there's no way the town could be interesting. Emma is really sick of tourists. She especially doesn't trust these two.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Once Upon a TimeStrangeBintzFR15728,996073,5905 Apr 136 Aug 13No

Done Readung

Done Reading- a/n: More Crossover fun and Tortured Regina, Annoyed Emma, Sexy Ruby, soulless Spike, Spaithness, One little conclusion chapter after this. DISCLAIMER.

“You’ll shoot me inconvenient, and I’m not gonna hurt her. I love her. You think she can’t take a punch? You don’t understand what we got goin’ on here, princess,” Spike Pratt grinned at Emma’s gun.

She had drawn it because he hit his wife Faith Pratt. It didn’t matter that the wife hit him first and he was a vampire that Regina captured and did something to; or that Emma found his wife more annoying then him. There was right and wrong.

“Like I’ve never heard that from an abusive husband before and don’t call me that,” Emma said.

“You may have a point, and I guess if I said ‘This time it’s true,’ I’d just sound as bad as them,” he said, “So, it’s good I don’t care.”

Before Emma knew it William Pratt grabbed Faith Pratt and held her against him. Faith Pratt grunted at the grab, but other than that she was silent. He had her back to his chest. Emma saw Faith Pratt chest stop heaving and her eyes shut as he licked up her neck and kept his eyes on Emma. Whatever was going on here reached a new level of sleaze. Regina just stood their grinning and Ruby was silent with her crossbow no longer ready.

“I’m just puttin’ her back against the wall ‘cause that’s how she fights best and my girl needs to fight to be happy. She’s only at peace when she has something to fight against,” he said.

Emma saw a flash of movement and all of a sudden William Pratt was on his back as Faith Pratt stood over him.

“Yeah, I’m freakin’ Gandhi with something to fight against,” she said.

Had she just flipped him over her head? Emma would be impressed if she didn’t want this over so badly.

“Good on you, Slayer,” the vampire said, “Now, let’s dance.”

He jumped up. He had still had that stiff pumped up swagger.

“My boogie shoes are on. So, you don’t wanna kill me. Is it ‘cause you did the marry and fuck thing with me first?” she said as she kicked him in the face.

“Or is it just because I’m too old to kill?”

Did this woman sound hurt that her husband wouldn’t kill her? Forget trolls and Neal being Gold’s son this was some crazy shit.

“Baby,” he said “If I didn’t know you and I saw you in the morning without make-up after a hard night, I’d come at you with nothing but the rush of death on my mind. I’d want you so much that I wouldn’t be able to think because the rush of blood would boil my brain. I’d want you so bad, but I’d know I could never have you that I’d have to dance with you until one of us was dead. A’right?”

“And now that you know me?” she asked.

“Now that I know you the first thing I want to do with my new lost soul is pound you into these tacky white walls with my cock until you believe I love you, but---“

Faith Pratt dove and the vampire and, they started making out.

“You gotta be kidding me,” Emma said

She was done. Done with these people and whatever twisted shit they had going on. She was on her way to find the crack in the wall to leave with Ruby when she heard their lips smack apart.

But---“ he continued, “Now I want to make your darkest dreams come true.”

“I know I’m not the best mom in the world but I’m not bad enough to take a rush ticket out of a life and leave my kid with her murdering soulless father and no matter what you think I’m not into choke sex,” Faith Pratt said.

“Good to know,” he said, “I’m not talking about the darkness in your heart and the Slayer Death Wish,” the vampire said, “I’m talking about life, survival of the fittest, kill or be killed, sweet vengeance. I’m talking about her.”

He grabbed Regina so swiftly Emma hadn’t even seen him do it. Regina yelped. Emma was actually not unhappy to hear it. It meant that Regina wasn’t in some eerie removed place and she wasn’t smug either. She was afraid like a normal person. Not that any of this was normal. Emma should be used to that by now, but this was a new abnormal she had no idea what to do with.

“Oh, her,” Faith Pratt grinned now all fear and seriousness gone since sucking face with the psycho.

“She found a video of our baby that rich bitch dyk—Kennedy, Our lovely Xena warrior babysitter Kennedy, posted on sodding Facebook,” he said.

“Oh,” Faith Pratt said, “That’s over the line. Take your soul, try to take my heart, whatevs, but internet stalking my kid. No.”

What? Regina was watching their kid? Emma knew there had to be a reason and that it wasn’t good.

“Who knows what she was planning?” he said still grinning in fangs, “Then again who cares? The only question is: How much do you want me to make her suffer? What do you want me to do to her?”

Regina let out a cry of objection. Ruby was silent. Emma was too busy thinking about what to do next to engage in this.

“I dunno,” Faith Pratt drawled and walked up so close to the vampire to talk seductively in his ear while he held Regina by the back of the neck.

“I kinda wanna know what she was planning,” she said, “Let’s get it out of her.”

“If all we get out of her is blood and screams before I kill her it won’t matter what she was planning,” Spike Pratt said.

“I love the way you think,” she said, “But, I gotta know what she wants with C. Fred, and come to think of it, your soul. It’s the mother in me.”

“You are the best mum of them all you know,” he said.

Then she kissed him fangs and all. It made Emma a little gag-y. The vampire got so into kissing his wife he dropped Regina. It was Ruby who pulled Regina away and held a finger to her lips. Emma noticed Ruby was holding Regina as almost as roughly as the vampire and Emma didn’t mind.

“Let’s get out of here,” Emma whispered.

Emma located the magik weakness in the wall and she couldn’t be more relieved. She was pretty sure the couple were about to do it on the floor of Regina’s labyrinth.

“This is my house. I’m not leaving,” Regina spat out, “Vampires are supposed to kill whom they loved first when they lose their souls. What is wrong with you?”

Shit! Emma had almost gotten them to the crack in the wall. Emma knew she was still going to have a whole lot to figure out once they got out of here, but had really wanted to get away from these people for now. But now, Faith Pratt was storming up to Regina, who seemed to have a death wish tonight.

“So that was your plan,” Faith Pratt said, “Why you took out his soul? You wanted to watch us kill each other and then what?”

“She probably was going to try for your heart again. When you were dead or weak,” Ruby said, “But—“

“But Spike’s soulless love is ten times better than what you were expecting. Ten times better than the selfish love you have for your mother or that kid,” Faith Pratt said, “So, the question is: How selfish is my love? Do I want to slaughter your ass because you’ve screwed him to a soulless life? Right now it’s really looking like a yes.”

“She didn’t—“ the vampire began.

“I can’t let you do that,” Emma said and she concentrated with her mind and a
force-field came around Regina.

Wow, she did it. It made Faith fall back. Spike helped his wife up from the ground before Emma could think of keeping the gun on him.

“Great! Now you get your magik on,” Faith said, “Do you think that will stop me? You’re just as bad as she is.”

“What?” Emma balked.

“’The I’m-too-good-for-killing-because-I’m-so pure-and-noble. The only way you can stay that way is in Fairy Tale Land. You and your mom and your hunky corn-fed father have to man up and face facts. You gotta take this bitch down. Like I told your mom: You’re in a war. And because you decided you’re too good for it people have died, lives have been destroyed- like mine.”

“She has a point,” Ruby said.

“Ruby!” Emma gasped.

“Not about you being selfish but about Regina,” Ruby said.

“Listen—“ Spike Pratt began.

“For someone who’s life is destroyed you seem to be doing fine to me. You’ve turned my house, my town into your own personal adult playground.” Regina said.

She had a point, but Emma kept her mouth shut. She knew she had to deal with Regina somehow, and she would figure out how once she got these people out of here.

“If you open you mouth to me again. I will pull your heart out through your mouth and it won’t be magikical,” Faith Pratt said.

“I’m sure your soul is already twisted and busted,” she continued, “It takes one to spot one. But his—his was great. The best thing I’ve ever had inside of me. It saved me when I had a demon in me bigger than you could imagine. His soul made half my kid, and it kept us together when worlds wanted to tear us apart. And now that awesome soul is gone. We aren’t in your Disneyland where the villain just faded away, lady. I’m from Boston, the bad part of it, where we get heads on sticks. I’ve made up my mind. You’re dead, lady. You won’t always have your frienemy around to protect you and I can get past your shit magik.”

Faith Pratt’s eyes misted.

“Hon—“ the vampire opened his mouth.

“I don’t know your story but it sounds like you’re in no place to judge anyone and this is my fight, my town, not yours!” Emma said, “I grew up in Boston too, and one thing I’d never do is kill a mother over a guy because his mojo got taken and he can’t screw me right anymore.”

“Wait,” Spike Pratt said.

“Princess, that is so not the problem,” Faith said, “The world is what’s fucked with his soul gone, and my daughter. I know you think the world revolves around you and this town and that we’re low-lives and maybe half the time you’re right, but the other half we’re The freakin’ Incredibles who save the world and there’s no way I can do that on my ow---“

“Ladies, let me speak!” Spike yelled or growled really in that vampire face.

It made Emma jump back and she was angry about it.

“Spike, we can still be soulmates even without the soul but I’m not B. I can’t keep you in check all the time. I know I’m gonna fuck it---“

“Oiy! Scary soulless thing speaking here,” he went on “if you let me get a word in edgewise. You don’t have to kill the witch to get what you want. Bloody hell, I’ll say one thing Buffy let me talk more when I was evil and she’d be right done with this situation by now. You—you always gotta stop and give all this attention to everyone and their mother. For the supposed dark Slayer you poke around way too much. I’ve been trying to tell you—“

“I know who the better Slayer is Spike. I don’t--” Faith began,

“That’s not what I meant and you bloody know it!” he growled.

He had Faith by her arms and he was shaking her hard. It made Emma think of days of bad Foster homes gone by.

“How many times do I have to tell you she is not better than you,” he said, “The only one—Ow! Do you mind?“

Emma winged him in the shoulder with her gun and all he did was look at her angrily as he kept ahold of Faith’s arms. Then he turned back to Faith.

“Oh, oh, I hurt you’re feelings with what I said about Buffy, and I—I’m hurting you I was just—just –Sorry. I’m a rude bad man, baby really. This is why I need that soul, yeah? ‘Cause I’d hurt you without it. I hurt you no matter how hard I try,” he sounded like an upset little kid as he shrank down to his knees and his hands sank down to hold Faith’s.

“It’s not me I care about,” she said.

“Why?” he growled getting up and grabbing her again “Why don’t you care about yourself? You should bloody care about yourself! Why do you always---I’m doing it again.”

Spike Pratt let his wife go. He was trying to force himself to stay calm.

“It’s not you’re fault. I can handle it. But, you know you can’t be around Cara alone like this,” she said.

“That’s not true. I wouldn’t hurt her. I’d just—“

“Fuck it up. Bad,” she said.

“So, losing a soul makes you an asshole prone to domestic violence?” Emma said, “But, it makes most vampires kill their families and that was what Regina was hoping you’d do so she’d get Faith’s heart. You’re like this because of Regina has your soul and you have a five-year-old at home. Give it back, Regina!”

“Wow,” Faith said, “Is she always this slow?”

“Give Emma a break,” Ruby said, “How would you feel if you found out your parents were Snow White and her Prince, but an evil queen took them away and then adopted your baby you had to give up after growing up as a foster kid.”

Emma admitted to herself she hadn’t been thinking about what she was hearing until they really started to talk about the kid.

“Ecstatic,” Faith said, “My mom would be a lot more alive and sober, and I’d know just who to kill. Instead, I’m a vampire Slayer married to a vampire who found out his soul is gone, and I have to raise my baby on guard. I live in a world where you can’t just give things like souls back without a major price. So, I’m pissed.”

There doesn’t have to be a major price if there happens to be a few powerful witches around and if,” Spike Pratt said, “one of them is a bitch still has my soul.”

“What?” Faith began slapping her husband everywhere but the face, “She still has it? Like she can just but it back! And you didn’t tell me!”

“Ow! I have been trying to tell you for 30 bloody minutes. You just won’t shut-up. You won’t bloody, Ow!” he was trying to duck away from her blows but then he grabbed her face and roughly kissed her.

“You drive me crazy, still,” he said.

They began making out and not in a sweet fairytale fashion, but throwing their bodies around.

“Okay, I’m done!” Emma said, “I feel like a chaperone at a juvenile delinquent high school dance. I’m shooting and pouring a bucket of ice on both you if you don’t stop and resolve this mess.”

“Maybe we should just leave them alone,” Ruby said with a smile.

“Leave them alone?” Emma said, “He’s a maniac that wants to eat us and everyone else!”

“Haven’t you been listening?” Ruby said, ”He loves her. He isn’t going to hurt anyone. She wouldn’t want him to.”

“Um, I think it’s you who isn’t listening,” Emma said, “She’s the one who wants to kill Regina.”

Emma looked at Regina who was just sitting there looking wistfully at the vampire and the vampire Slayer playing tonsil hockey. Faith Pratt noisily broke away from her husbands lips.

“Look,” Faith Pratt said, “I won’t kill the hag if she can put Spike’s soul back.”

“Really,” Spike said, “but wouldn’t it be fun? You could take her clothes. I could take her blood.”

Faith Pratt actually looked offended.

“Like I’d want her clothes,” she said, “Maybe her lipstick.”

“Well, of course I’d take her blood and take you in her clothes, as we did an 80s power-suit role-play or a prom queen role-play in that dress.”

“A prom queen that needs a spanking wearing that dress,” Ruby said.

Spike Pratt actually looked at Ruby and then his wife and licked his lips.

“We need the lipstick,” he said, “Definitely the lipstick here in this house. Think of all the people we’d be avenging, lives we may be saving?”

Faith Pratt seemed to consider this as Emma watched. Why wasn’t Regina springing to her feet and saying something insulting and threatening to never give the soul back? Emma knew the vampire was telling the truth, he’d do it all, but she knew now that Faith Pratt wasn’t. Emma could finally read her and the woman wasn’t going to kill Regina. Faith Pratt was enjoying scaring Regina but, she just wanted all of her husband back. The one Emma couldn’t read now was Regina who just sat there.

“Vengence and me don’t end up in good places, and the princess ex-con soccer mom cop seems to have it under control,” Faith said and stood in front of Regina, “Just give Spike his soul.”

“Can’t blame a bloke for trying,” Spike said, “I hope it doesn’t burn again.”

“Don’t be a ba—“ Faith Pratt began but she was stopped by the sound of Regina screaming

She ran up the vampire Slayer who seemed ready to take on the attack, but there was none.

“No!” Regina said, “Why do you think I unchained your stupid monster? If he isn’t man enough you do it! Do it! Kill me! I’m no good. I thought I killed my mother and all I wanted was to have her back, to have a heart, to have her love me because I know she never really did. I had love once but no one could love me with my heart as it is now! I can’t imagine the state of my soul. And all I do is try to love Henry and it doesn’t work. I’m not doing it right. So, just kill me. Just end it. I know my heart is black, too black. If the vampire does it no one will suffer he doesn’t need a heart to love, but I do and it’s ruined.”

She collapsed in tears. Emma put her gun back in her holster.

“Regina,” was all Emma could say.

There was a few beats of silence accept for Regina’s sobs.

“Well, I could do it,” Spike said.

“Shut-up, Spike!” Faith said and she smacked him upside the head.

“Ow! What? If she’s gonna whine about it,” he said.

“She is gonna be able to pull her shit together and put his soul back, right?” Faith asked Emma, “I’ll give her 20 minutes. These ‘Please-kill-me-I’m-evil-breakdowns’ take about 20 minutes.”

Emma was glad not to have to give an answer.
“Give her the night,” Spike Pratt said and when Emma looked at him he put his hands up.

His slivered almond blue eyes were filled with impishness and his sharp cheekbones could cut glass with that smile.

“I promise I won’t hurt her or any sod in this god-awful town,” he said, “The Slayer will keep me on a short leash, and how I would love to be on a chain by her side just long enough so I could get to her.”

“You know I’d never hurt you like this,” he turned to Faith Pratt again, “Even with every instinct in me telling me to, I wouldn’t hurt you, because I don’t need a soul to love you, and now I can prove it. I can prove it!”

He ended with a triumphant yell. Emma thought this didn’t seem like a very good idea.

“No, you though,” he wagged his finger at Ruby, “Don’t trust myself around you, and I just want to be soulless and depraved with my wife. When it comes down to it I’m just an old-fashioned guy.”

He turned back to Faith.

“Aren’t I, baby? I only hurt you just as much as you—“

Emma heard a clanking and saw that Faith Pratt took one of the shackles and put it around the vampire’s neck. His demon face came out again and he showed her his fangs. Emma was glad to see that this fellow Boston girl wasn’t going to take any of that crap. Faith Pratt then pulled the chain so that the vampire’s face was in hers and she kissed him. Seriously? Emma thought.

“Bitch has there hours,” Faith Pratt said to Emma about Regina..

Then she gave a hushed squeal and laughed as the grinning vampire scooped her up in his arms while she still had the chain in her hands.

“Ruby give them my cell,” she said with great authority as she peered over the vampire’s back as he carried her off.

“I—We—I should go after them, right?” Emma asked Ruby who seemed to have knowing in her eyes.

“I mean, they are dangerous,” Emma said, “They can hurt someone. He’ll hurt her.”

“Emma, I know you know when most people are lying, but you can’t read people in love can you?” Ruby said.
“Why do you even care?” Regina spat, apparently done with her pity-party.

“I don’t!” Emma said, “I mean, not about him hurting her if she’s stupid enough to trust him. I just don’t want him hurting other people or her hurting you. So, you are giving him his soul back.”

“Again, why do you care?” Regina said.

Emma saw Ruby roll her eyes.

“What is wrong with you Regina? You can’t want them to kill you, over your mother? Who never cared about you? What about Henry? It was just another one of your schemes, right? ”

“What do you think?” Regina smiled.

Emma saw the smile was a lie. Regina had wanted to be killed by Spike or Faith, at least in that moment.

“I don’t care what goes on in your sick head!” Ruby said to Regina as she bounded over to her, “You are giving Spike back his soul or you are dealing with me.”

“Don’t worry,” Emma said, “She will. Spike is Henry’s friend, Regina. I think he saved his life tonight.”

“No, he didn’t,” Regina said.

Emma knew Regina was telling the truth, which only poised more questions that Emma knew she wouldn’t get answered.

“But, I can’t use the soul for anything. It means nothing to me either way. So, I might as well. Just to get them out of my town.”

There was the lie. The soul did mean something to Regina, but she would give it back.

Emma looked to see that Regina’s perfect thin black eye-liner was even smudged as she now was standing over her mother’s glass coffin ruefully. Emma realized she’d rather just deal with an evil queen, out to destroy her and her family, while stealing her kid, who gets repentant and teary at times. Not that Emma could always read Regina, but she could keep up with her more than some hot chick Boston vampire slayer and her neo-punk vampire husband that were some cross between Sid and Nancy and The Incredibles.

The End?

You have reached the end of "Not The Princess Type" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 6 Aug 13.

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