Wakin Up Married
Don’t own Stargate or Buffy. MGM and Joss Whedon respectively.
Sam Carter had never felt her head pounding quite like this ever before, and with everything SG1 had already done that was saying something. She hadn’t had a hangover even close to this since college. With a groan she sat up and turned to put her feet over the bed as her hands came up to rub her temples in an effort to drive off the ache that had settled between them. She’d gone out with the team to celebrate both her promotion to Major and the event of Earth not being labeled as a big giant target for Goa’uld attack. Daniel had left first, claiming there was work he needed to do, Teal’c following him because the Jaffa lived at the base and they all knew Daniel would go back there rather than work at home. Jack had left, claiming he had to watch a hockey game, leaving her alone.
“Why’d you get up?” A voice from behind her groaned out making Sam freeze solid. Turns out, adrenaline can kick a hangovers ass pretty damn fast when it wants to. Sam spun, hangover suddenly obliterated to see who had spoken to find a blond laying right next to where she just had been and, judging by her toplessness, naked as the day she was born. Sam had experimented in college, it was the eighties, but hadn’t touched another girl that way since before she’d joined the Air Force. Then her eyes zeroed in on the blond’s left hand where a golden band sat.
a woman!” Sam cried pointing at her hand where sure enough there lay a wedding band, the male of its pair judging by the lack of stones.
“So what? You’re not homophobic are you? And I’m not-” The blond replied before she saw her hand and froze, then her eyes darted to Sam’s and widened even further. “You’re married too!”
Now it was Sam’s turn to freeze looking at her own hand. “Clearly I must’ve... gotten married to someone you know, a guy someone, when I was drunk. Then I fell into the wrong bed! That must be it!”
The blond looked affronted. “Why? I’m not good enough for you?”
Sam shook her head vigorously, “Nononono, that’s not it. You’re very attractive and I’m sure you’re a wonderful person I just...”
“Just what?” the blond, who was getting angrier by the second.
“I’m in the Air Force. My career...” Sam started before the weight of what was going to happen hit her like a brick wall to the head and she started sobbing. She didn’t feel the bed shifting before she felt the blond’s slim arms pull her close, revealing the blond was in fact naked.
“It’s ok... It’s ok. Maybe you’re right and you married someone else. It’s ok,” the blond whispered in her ear till she calmed down.
When Sam calmed down the blond Major noticed an official looking piece of paper on the opposite bedside table and grabbed it, reading it her heart sank. It was a marriage certificate between her and a ‘Buffy’, “Your name isn’t Buffy by any chance is it?”
“Yea... why?” the newly named Buffy replied.
Sam handed her the paper and brought her knees up to her head, arms wrapped around her shins.
Buffy looked at the paper and sure enough it was a civil union form, wrapping one arm around the taller blonde and making sure to avoid looking at her... wife's nude form. Somehow she didn't think Sam would enjoy it, “Oh... tell you what, get dressed, we’ll go to a café or something. I think we should talk...”
Sam nodded and slid off the bed in search of her clothing while Buffy, who named their kid Buffy anyway, searched for her own.
Five minutes later they were exiting the hotel they were both in, which Sam was relieved to discover wasn’t of the pay by the hour variety, and walking to a nearby coffee shop Sam suggested.
“So... where are you from?” Sam asked, she kinda wanted to avoid thinking about what was happening to her career even as they spoke. Even if she got it annulled immediately, someone, likely the NID, would use it to get her disqualified from the service. Pricks.
“Sunnydale, California. Home to PCP attacks and freak barbeque fork accidents,” Buffy replied with a grin, that response never failed to amuse her.
Sam’s memory flashed, “Isn’t that the town that fell into a crater about a year ago?”
Buffy nodded, good humor temporarily fading, “I was on the last bus out actually, we felt a... rumble I suppose you could call it and managed to get out just as it was collapsing behind us.”
“What do you do for a living?” Sam asked, figuring she might as well try to get to know the woman she was apparently married to.
Buffy shrugged, for the moment she wasn't really doing much of anything, and wouldn't be anytime soon if her appointment fell through so she settled on telling as close to the truth as possible, “I used to be an exterminator of sorts before the Dale collapsed. I’m sort-of between jobs at the moment actually.”
Sam was startled at that response, she might have expected yoga instructor, or any of a dozen other athletic careers but not that
, “Exterminator? Pretty little thing like you?”
“You’d be surprised how often that came to my advantage,” Buffy laughed knowingly, exterminator was a good choice, “How about you? What do you do?”
“Deep Space Radar Telemetry,” Sam replied getting one elegantly raised eyebrow in response. “I know, I know. Lame.”
Buffy laughed as she shook her head, “Actually I was raising the eyebrow at the fact that the Air-Force is stupid enough to assign a well known astrophysicist to Deep Space Radar Telemetry. It's like handing out t-shirts with 'Totally not a secret project' on them.”
Sam returned the laugh, Jack had a similar reaction when he was told their cover but then focused on the ego flattering section of the response, she wasn't exactly egotistical but every scientist likes to hear they're known, “You’ve heard about me?”
Heard about her? Willow wouldn't shut up about her and how brilliant she was, but that was before... mentally shaking herself she replied, “A friend’s company wanted to headhunt you actually. I got to hear all about the great Samantha Carter for two weeks before you turned her down.”
Sam’s cell-phone beeped at her and she looked down at it and sighed, “Shit. I gotta go to work.”
Buffy nodded, it was almost time for her appointment too, “We’ll finish talking later. I have somewhere to be too.”
The pair left the café and walked back to the hotel together, having walked to the café instead of taking a car.
Five minutes later Sam was heading to the mountain when a car pulled in behind her. She ignored it for the first bit, it was possible that they were just headed in similar directions, but after the fourth turn she slammed the car into a Handbrake Turn and blocked the road, jumping out with her hand pulling her sidearm smoothly from it’s holster on the side of her seat, pointing it in the direction of the driver of the car, which had obediently stopped.
When Sam came around to the window she couldn’t help but ask, “Buffy?! Why were you following me.”
Buffy raised an eyebrow, “Sam? I wasn’t following you, why are you pointing a Berretta at my head?”
“Because you were following me," Sam insisted, keeping her gun leveled evenly on Buffy's head.
Now Buffy was slightly annoyed. She liked the loyalty and decisiveness of the military blonde but guns made her testy, “I was not following you.”
Sam frowned, “Yes you were, there’s nothing down this road but Cheyenne Mountain.”
Buffy couldn't even try to stop the uncaring shrug, “Maybe I’m going to Cheyenne Mountain?”
This was officially the weirdest day she'd had in weeks, “I thought you said you had to be somewhere. There’s nothing at Cheyenne Mountain but Deep Space Radar Telemetry and NORAD.”
Buffy just looked at Sam with that same elegantly raised eyebrow from the hotel room. “If that was true I wouldn’t be going there.”
Sam frowned but she did admit to herself that Buffy, while clearly appearing to be the original poster-child for Californian Princess, was not stupid. Plus the utter-calm that the blonde had, even as Sam held the 9mm pointed toward her... wife’s head would indicate that either she’d spent a long time with guns pointed at her, or she was telling the truth... or both. “Fine... but you’re driving in front of me.”
Buffy shrugged again, “Sure, no problem.”
Sam jumped back into her car and moved to the side so Buffy could get in front of her then started ahead again. When the shorter blond made it to the gate she waited for her to be turned away, but a moment later the guard waved her in. When Sam reached the guard she couldn’t help but ask, “That blonde ahead of me, how’d she get in? Why is she here?”
“General Hammond cleared her through Major,” the guard replied and Sam entered the complex, parking in the motor pool quickly and jogging to catch up with Buffy.
“So what reason does an exterminator have for meeting with a Brigadier General?” Sam asked with a smirk as the taller blond pushed the button to head to the conference level.
“He needs some exterminating done,” Buffy replied with a grin. “Are you gonna remove my ring?”
“... No I guess not, whether I remove it or not the NID probably already knows we got married and is already formulating a way to use it to get me off of SG1 and out of the Air Force,” Sam replied after a moment of thought looking at her hand.
Buffy hummed in response, her mind whirling as she thought of a... wedding gift. She’d forgotten in the heat of the moment after all, how rude of her.
The two reached their floor shortly and Sam guided Buffy to the conference room where Hammond was indeed waiting.
“Major Carter, I see you met Miss Summers,” Hammond greeted.
“Mrs. actually,” Buffy replied holding up her left hand to show him her ring.
Hamond’s eyes were quick to spot the similar gold band on Carter’s finger and gave a raised eyebrow to the pair.
“Oh poo, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this just yet...” Buffy pouted when she saw Hammond notice Carter’s ring. Before either of the military officers could react to that she had her cell-phone to her ear.
“That’s not going to work-” Carter started to say before Buffy started talking.
“Hi Denise, would you connect me to Henry please? I can hold if he’s busy,” the petite blond said into the phone. Then the blond placed the phone’s receiver against her shoulder and raised an eyebrow.
“That shouldn’t work... We’re under a hundred feet of rock,” Sam sputtered getting only a wink from her... wife. It was still hard to think about that.
Then the blond had the receiver back to her ear and was talking again, “Hello Henry! How’ve you been? The chief’s haven’t been being rude again have they? No? Good. Listen, I need you to either sign a dispensation giving Stargate Command immunity to that silly Article 125 of the UCMJ or just remove it altogether. Why? Because I married Major Carter last night, yes the blonde scientist woman. Yes I know it’s paperwork for you but do it for me? Please?
Thanks Henry, tell Martha I’m doing wonderful. Love you too, talk to you later Henry,” Buffy said into the phone before snapping it shut with a satisfied grin.
Hammond stared at the phone, “Was that... who I think it was?”
Buffy could have laughed if she didn't think it would be rude. Instead she nodded and smiled, “That was the president, yup. He’s gonna sign an executive order getting rid of that silly Article 125 for me.”
“You have the president on speed-dial? You know about the Stargate?” Carter asked stunned, wondering the odds of meeting, much less getting married to, a woman who not only knew about the gate but apparently had a job offer from Hammond and called the president by his first name. The odds had to be astronomical.
Buffy nodded as if having the president of the United States on speed dial, “Of course, he’s on six, and duh I know about the Stargate. Why do you think I’m here? Did you happen to notice a massive rat infestation or something?”
Sam's brain was still trying to figure out the odds, they were nearing using exponents as a matter of compression, “You said you’re an exterminator!”
“What would you say the gold-thingys are
other than an infestation?” Buffy grinned seeing an insanely intelligent woman like Doctor Major Samantha Carter, apparently she was now Buffy Carter, reduced to stating the obvious was fun.
“Goa’uld,” Sam corrected immediately before her brain processed that Buffy was there, not as an exterminator of mice and rats, but to fight the Goa’uld.
“So General, what say we get started with our talk?” Buffy said, turning back to the general who was caught off guard.
“Of course... of course,” the aged general responded. He’d been expecting a highly qualified civilian ‘security consultant’ and apparently got a blonde with connections all the way to the president, who took her calls a hell of alot faster than the man took his, it hadn’t even taken her five minutes to get him on the phone, much less sign an executive order banning treatment against homosexuals in the armed forces.
A/N: I had to move all the events of Buffy back five years to make this line up properly. This includes Buffy’s birth so instead of an eleven year age gap between Sam and Buffy it’s now only six years. For those who were curious, this is Buffy’s speed-dial lineup.
6. Henry Hayes (Da Prez)
Also, For those curious. Yes said friend’s company is the Watcher Council. No she doesn’t work with them, no I won’t be bashing on them.
I was also informed that technically DADT was actually protecting homosexuals from being investigated (Don't Ask) unless caught inadverdently. I have since modified the story for the real cause, Article 125 of the UCMJ. I am aware Hayes couldn't actually sign an order removing it by RL laws but I don't care.