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Hey Tom – Your Plan Stinks

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Summary: The initial opening of the Chamber of Secrets doesn't go quite the way Tom Riddle had planned, at all.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS Stories > Theme: ComedyGreywizardFR1318702203,9756 Sep 136 Sep 13Yes
Rating: FR13, mostly for bathroom humor. You'll understand what I mean, after you read the story.

Disclaimer: They all belong to JKR and her minions. Yeah, I think it sucks, too, but I've learned to live with the disappointment.

Category: Non-Buffy Harry Potter non-crossover.

Time Frame: Starts a few days after the beginning of 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.'

Spoilers: None intended, but if you don’t know what happened up to this point, why are you reading this story?

Character Bashing: None at all. But don't get your hopes up – this isn't going to happen in most of my stories.

Feedback: Of course! Like Tenhawk says, it's the coin of the realm!

Archiving: Talk to me first, please.

Author’s Note 1: Many thanks to Bill Haden and Theo (Starway_Man) for beta-ing this story.

Author’s Note 2: As usual, “word” indicates speech, :: word :: indicates mental communication, { word } indicates a character's thoughts, and // word \\ indicates foreign languages.

Author’s Note 3: This, too, was inspired by idea #98, when I was re-reading rorscharchblot's '101 Things I'd Like To See In a Fic' list, and my muse insisted I write this right away.


Hogwarts Castle
Second floor

September 5, 1992

{ This is merely the beginning of my triumphant return, } Tom Riddle thought to himself, as he somewhat awkwardly maneuvered the body of the pathetic First Year girl currently holding both his consciousness and his personal diary – the first horcrux he'd successfully created with Myrtle Thompson's murder, and just the first of several he intended to create – into the girls' bathroom concealing the entrance to Salazar Slytherin's Chamber of Secrets.

Smiling to himself as he contemplated the reign of terror and the series of murders he was about to unleash on an unsuspecting school, Riddle disregarded the furious struggle of Ginny Weasley, the body's true owner, as she fought to regain control of her own form.

After all, as long as he kept hold of the diary, he would be able to maintain his domination, and he'd even be able to make this pathetic blood-traitor forget completely any actions he performed while in control!

// Open! \\ Riddle commanded as he stood in front of the endmost sink. His smile grew even wider as he considered how he would command the basilisk – the great snake created by Salazar Slytherin himself, and which was waiting patiently for him below. Tom had absolutely no doubts that the basilisk was hidden in Salazar's personally designed underground suite of rooms, and it would slaughter the unworthy at his bidding.

He was caught completely unaware, however, by the almost indescribable stench which seemed to erupt out of the now-open entrance which the sink and associated counter-space had morphed into, and the physical shock of being caught full in the face, just as he was taking a breath, of what smelled like the foulest and most noxious stink existent made Tom Riddle reel, both physically and mentally.

Ginny Weasley took instant advantage of Tom's inattention and immediately seized control of her body back from the usurper, and quickly tossed the diary – the artifact responsible for her involuntary possession – into the black opening in front of her, from which the horrid odor was emanating.

{ Oh, Merlin! } Ginny mentally gasped as she held her breath and ran away from the toxic and, most likely, poisonous smell wafting out of the girls’ bathroom. { That stinks almost as bad as when Ron's been eating too much bubble and squeak with hot mustard! }

Holding her breath for as long as she could, Ginny ran down the currently empty hallway in desperate search of an adult, hoping not to vomit.

{ I not only need to find a teacher to tell them what just happened, } the redheaded Firsty decided as she ran pell-mell down the corridor, { I need one who can make a bubble-head charm, so I can breathe without worrying about choking to death! }


Hogwarts Castle
Second floor
Girls’ bathroom

A short while later

"I must admit, Minerva," Dumbledore declared as he stood a few feet back from the ominously-looming, shadowed doorway, "I really can’t blame any of the house elves for refusing to go down that stairway and look for the diary Miss Weasley described, despite the fact that its retrieval will most likely prove essential if Voldemort is ever to be truly defeated."

"And why is that, Albus?" the scowling, stern-visaged Transformation teacher demanded angrily. "We can’t take any chances that that *thing* might try to possess another student – or any other person who might stumble across it!"

The woman's forehead was furrowed with a frown as she stood there, glaring at the Headmaster with wholehearted disapproval for his apparent refusal to order any of the house elves to go down and recover the journal which was apparently some sort of storage device for a fragment of the Dark Lord's soul.

"Well, you see, Minerva... Tippy, the Head Elf, told me that the area which that stairway allegedly leads down into – Salazar Slytherin's fabled and long-lost Chamber of Secrets – is currently inaccessible, and will most likely remain so for the foreseeable future," Dumbledore informed his second-in-command.

"And exactly *why* is it inaccessible?" the still black-haired Scotswoman scowled at her boss, her anger not ameliorated in the least by his non-explanation.

"Ah. It seems," Dumbledore almost seemed to be smirking as he gazed at the still unbelievably foul-smelling portal, "that, approximately thirty years ago, when there were some unresolved problems with the castle's septic system, the house elf in charge at the time, decided that the empty chambers the elves could detect beneath the castle grounds would be best utilized as a solid waste holding tank.

"If there ever were any creatures lying in stasis down there, as Miss Weasley reported that the being possessing her believed there to be," Dumbledore went on, his eyes twinkling with humor, "then they would have either drowned or suffocated to death many years ago.

"Young Tom’s plans were always shite, and this just serves to prove it."


The End

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