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I'm Gonna Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse

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Summary: Sirius Black is determined that, this year, Fate won't be treating Harry like a spittoon, the way it had been doing previously in his life.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Non-BtVS/AtS StoriesGreywizardFR1511,9103303,9607 Sep 137 Sep 13Yes
Rating: FR15, mostly for minor depictions of violence, but I'm hoping to put a lot of crude, cartoon-y type humor in here, too.

Disclaimer: They all belong to JKR and her minions. Yeah, I think it sucks, too, but I've learned to live with it.

Summary: Sirius Black is determined that, this year, Fate won't be treating Harry like a spittoon, the way it had been doing previously in his life.

Time Frame: Starts prior to 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,' then goes Sirius-ly AU. And yes, I know that that pun has been overworked to death, but it's exceptionally appropriate here, as you'll see once you read this story.

Spoilers: None intended, but if you don't know what happened up to this point, why are you reading this story?

Character Bashing: As might be expected, I'm treating Dumbledore and Snape with exactly the amount of respect they deserve – which is none, whatsoever!

Feedback: Of course! Like Tenhawk says, it's the coin of the realm!

Archiving: Talk to me first, please.

Author's Note 1: Many thanks to Bill Haden and Theo (Starway_Man) for beta-ing this story.

Author's Note 2: As usual, "word" indicates speech, :: word :: indicates mental communication and { word } indicates a character's thoughts.

Author's Note 3: This was inspired by idea #70, when I was re-reading rorscharchblot's '101 Things I'd Like To See In a Fic' list, and my muse insisted I write this right away.

Author's Note 4: I'm marking this as complete at the moment, but I know I'll definitely be coming back to this sometime in the future, since this setup has *far* too much potential for Slytherin and Death Eater abuse to just it let go. ;-)


Number 12, Grimmauld Place
London, England

July 15, 1994

"Sirius, I can't tell you how pleased I am to hear that you've finally decided to let go of past grievances, and extend the hand of friendship and good will to Severus," Albus Dumbledore pontificated as he sat back in the overstuffed chair he occupied, and peered over the upper rims of his glasses at the Heir to the Ancient and Noble House of Black.

"I've been giving my situation a great deal of thought the past few weeks, Albus," Sirius Black replied as he glanced up the Hogwarts Headmaster, "and I've decided that I need to focus my attention on two things: one, locating Pettigrew and proving my innocence and, two, making sure that Harry does as well as he possibly can in all of his classes, this coming year.

"If that means I have to coexist peacefully with that greasy git in order to make those things happen, then so be it," Black initially grimaced, but then released a long sigh as he spoke.

"And just so it's clear, Albus, I'm doing it also because I'm expecting Snape to ease up on his persecution of Harry and his friends – both in their classes and in general, while they're all at Hogwarts," Sirius stated as he gave Dumbledore a expectant stare.

"I'm sure that Severus will be more than willing to do that, Sirius," the Headmaster assured Black.

"And I am equally certain that he'll be more than willing to extend that gesture of camaraderie and tolerance towards Harry, as well," Dumbledore declared, with same certain air of certainty and good-fellowship exuded by virtually every used-car salesman who ever plied their slimy trade.

"In any event, once I've settled things with Sniv – with Snape," Sirius caught himself before he could complete the insult, making Albus smile with approval at the example of maturity Sirius had finally achieved.

"Then I'm planning on heading out to somewhere in the Pacific and far away from England, that has miles of sunshine and sandy beaches, complete with cold beer and hot and hotter running women, because I've got twelve years in Azkaban to make up for," Black declared.

"And then, after a few weeks of that, I'm going to find Peter and drag him back here – so I can finally prove my innocence, and walk around without fear of getting Kissed or arrested."

Albus smiled and gave a nod of approval at Sirius' declaration of his intentions, since it dovetailed perfectly with his own plans to continue keeping Harry alienated from any sort of adult supervision which might provide him with any sort of positive feedback and approval. And, more importantly, away from anyone who was NOT under his thumb.


"Why in Merlin's name would you expect me to even consider such a ridiculous proposal, you mangy mutt?!" Severus Snape half-snarled, as he sat and sneered at his second major nemesis from his years at Hogwarts.

"You ought to have known that I'm perfectly content to let the current situation remain as it is," he declared with a smug smile. "As things currently stand, I am free to go wherever I wish, whenever I desire to do so, while *you* are essentially confined to this nightmare of a home which, as far as I'm concerned, is only slightly better than that cell in Azkaban you were previously incarcerated in.

"And, in addition to the fact that, unlike you, I am able to come and go wherever and whenever I wish to travel, I am also free to conduct myself however I like," the Potions Professor declared with a triumphant smile.

"Which includes treating Potter's foolish and reckless progeny and those other idiots he associates with, in whatever manner I might desire," Snape added, a malicious gleam in his eyes as he stared at Sirius. "And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it."

Black noted that Snape's hand was clearly poised to draw his wand, as if he hoped and expected Sirius to react badly to the taunting words he'd just said.

"Actually, I didn't have any illusions that you might agree to my offer, Snivellus," Sirius smirked at the greasy-haired git as he remained relaxed in his chair. "But since I promised Dumbledore that I'd extend the olive branch to you, I needed to at least make the offer, so that I can now tell him with a clear conscience that I did so."

Shifting his attention away from the school's potions instructor, Sirius called out, "Kreacher! Please serve the tea, now. And do it exactly as I instructed you to do without any improvisations, please."

"Very well, barely acceptable master," Snape heard a house elf respond to Black's orders, as he kept a wary and puzzled eye on the smiling Azkaban escapee, feeling perplexed as he tried to figure out why Black hadn't exploded as expected, after he'd slandered the man's godson.

A fraction of an instant later, something slammed against the back of Snape's head and everything went black as Severus dropped to the floor, out cold.

"Well done, Kreacher," Sirius complimented the now maniacally smiling, semi-deranged manikin who stood over Snape's unconscious body, the elf's hands gripping a now severely deformed silver serving tray. "I must say, I really couldn't be prouder of how you followed my instructions."

Levitating Snape's insensible form into the air, Sirius headed towards the basement stairs, while Kreacher used his own magic to restore the bent serving tray to its original, pristine configuration.

Kreacher smiled. { Master is finally shaping up to be a proper Lord Black. }

There were a lot of things which needed to be done before the school year began, Sirius reflected to himself, and he wasn't about to waste any of the long-delayed time he'd finally gotten, to make sure Harry finally received everything he'd been denied over the course of the past thirteen years.

The fact that Snape's head seemed to repeatedly bounce back and forth against the walls like a billiard ball as he directed his former classmate's unconscious body down the stairs was just a minor, added benefit of his plan, Sirius reflected to himself as he descended the stairway.


Hogwarts Castle
Slytherin common room

September 1, 1994
A short time after the Welcoming Feast

"Listen closely, everyone. Because I do not want to have to repeat myself," Severus Snape announced as he considered the group of upper-year pureblooded student extremists and/or Death Eater sympathizers assembled before with a narrow-eyed and clearly displeased expression on his face.

"For reasons that need not concern you, the Dark Lord has decreed that Harry Potter is to be left alone and will not be harassed by anyone here at Hogwarts, for the duration of this coming school year," the forbidding-looking potions professor announced as he focused on all of the students and gave them his own version of the evil eye.

"It is only my opinion that Lord Voldemort has decided that the so-called Boy-Who-Lived has had far too much attention focused upon him by the public, over the course of the past three years. But in any case, whatever the Dark Lord's reasons are for his decision, I have been informed that it would best serve his purposes if there is no additional controversy concerning Potter this year," Snape informed the student bigots gathered before him.

"Accordingly, I am instructing everyone present that, until I tell you otherwise, you are to avoid any sort of physical or verbal harassment of Potter, Granger or any of the Weasley brood," he then announced in a tone of voice which clearly allowed for no argument, whatsoever. "In point of fact, I would prefer that you not physically harass any of the other students. Resorting to physical intimidation is a poor substitute for intelligent discourse, for any Slytherin.

"Verbal arguments with any of the people I mentioned before are, of course, completely acceptable – especially when it concerns work from any of your classes – so long as your arguments are well-reasoned and supported by facts," Snape immediately qualified his earlier statement.

"We are supposed to be the House of ambition and cunning, after all," Snape pointed out, "which would imply that there be some sort of intelligent reasoning corroborating whatever line of reasoning you are providing.

"But so long as you follow these guidelines I've provided, feel free to do as you wish," Snape concluded his instructions.

"Oh, yes, I almost forgot – as an adjunct to the Dark Lord's overall plans, I myself will be behaving much more cordially to Potter and his friends," Snape then announced, his lips curling in an expression of disgust as he spoke, "using the justification that his mother and I were lab partners in our potions class, when we attended Hogwarts together."

"Uh, excuse me, sir? I can understand not harassing Potter, but do you mean... we can't even deal with the Weasel and the mudblood the way they deserve, whenever they get uppity?" Draco Malfoy whined, an expression of shock and disbelief on his pasty face.

"Yes, Mr. Malfoy, that is exactly what I mean," Snape drawled coolly as he turned his head to gaze down at the Fourth Year as though he were some loathsome insect.

"Percido," Snape said quietly, as he snapped his wand towards Malfoy. A pale orange beam erupted from the tip of his wand and hit Draco in the face, knocking him backwards and sending him sprawling on the floor, unconscious and blood pouring from his obviously broken nose, just as though he'd been punched in the face by a heavyweight boxer.

"Does anyone else here have any questions regarding the Dark Lord's instructions?" the Potions Master then asked, looking around at the group of speechless and staring students.

"Good," he nodded when no one else spoke up.

"Now, pick up that young fool and take him back to his dormitory," Snape ordered a wide-eyed Crabbe and Goyle, each of whom nodded their heads vigorously as they bent to their assigned task.

"And once he wakes up, remind him that our Lord's instructions are never to be questioned, by anyone," he directed.

"Let alone by some loudmouthed Fourth Year student," the Potions Master snorted as he left the common room and headed back to his own quarters.


Hogwarts Castle
Snape's Quarters

Fifteen minutes later

"I suppose I should feel bad about doing that to Draco," Snape said to himself as he looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, before pausing and rubbing his left thumb across the black tourmaline stone set in the ring he was wearing on his right middle finger.

As he murmured, "Homo revelio ergo unicus," Snape's features quickly shifted and Sirius Black was suddenly standing there, grinning with well-satisfied approval at his reflection.

"But I don't. The little shit's been long overdue for a fat lip," he told himself, thinking about his cousin's son.

"Especially when it comes to bothering Harry and his friends."

FIN (for now)

The End

You have reached the end of "I'm Gonna Make You An Offer You Can't Refuse". This story is complete.

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