Fly Me to the Moon
Author: B.H. Ramsay
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and I claim nothing, which is what YOU’LL get if you sue me; nothing. Consider yourself disclaimed.
Dedication: Thanks ever and always to Reikson and Drakependragon ...especially Drake who needed quite a bit of eye bleach after viewing Bayonetta’s Punishment Attacks
Summary: After a blind date gone very, very right, the Scoobies come to terms with a new friend
History says that the accord between Bayonetta the Umbra Witch and the New Watcher’s Council was one of mutual benefit, allowing both of them to vanquish foes that neither of them would be able to withstand alone.
The truth is a little more complicated… but then again… isn’t that always the way it goes?
Willow squared off against the powerful witch before her, bringing her most powerful abilities to bear.
Her resolve face.
“I’m sorry, but I have to insist,” the redhead sighed. “Joint custody; you get him on the weekends and the occasional holiday, but Xander’s one of us. We need him here.”
“For tactical and logistical support, yes,” Cereza nodded, absently flipping open Sage and inspecting its firing chambers. Maybe she should upgrade a little, show the redhead the benefits of magical weaponry in the modern age. “But you have that lovely little Andrew Wells for that.”
“…which doesn’t mean we don’t need them both.” Willow insisted.
Not for the first time, Bayonetta sighed. “Then I don’t suppose you’d consider letting me have them both, would you?”
Willow only raised an eyebrow, incredulous.
“Not at the same time, of course,” Cereza added quickly, making a mental note for a future birthday wish.
For his part, Andrew squeaked and hid behind Willow’s chair. Xander’s… rather memorable description of his evening with Bayonetta had left the dedicated geek with no illusions about how he’d fare under similar circumstances.
But Willow wasn’t biting. Losing Xander, even temporarily, was bad enough.
Losing Andrew to the infamously voracious Umbra Witch was unacceptable.
“Experience has shown that Andrew’s not as… accommodating as Xander is,” the redhead said delicately, wondering if she should voice some of her suspicions about the geek’s preferences.
Cereza regarded the former villain with some interest, the gleam in her eyes like a pantheress stalking potentially tasty prey.
“Give me a week alone with him,” she said finally, smirking. “He’ll be very accommodating after I’ve had my way with him.”
“I think you’ll have your hands full with Xander.” Willow shot back.
“One can only hope,” the Umbra Witch noted; her voice a picture of lewd intent. Her gloved fingers flexed, reflecting their owner’s desire to take possession of her new boytoy. “Have we come to terms?”
“Well… we should work out when and how often we’ll be able to call on you for help...” Willow sighed. “But I’m sure that Xander would love some more alone time. So we’ll let it go for the time being, just as long as we’re agreed that we can call you when we need you.”
“Vampires, demons, ancient hell goddesses…” Cereza noted, flipping through a binder filled with reports about Xander and his friends. “This reads as though you lot have almost as much fun as I do. This could be quite entertaining.”
“Do I get a say in any of this?” Xander asked miserably from where Cereza was running a high-heeled boot precariously close to his man-parts.
“No!” Cereza and Willow chorused together.
Buffy had to admit, she was enjoying Xander’s discomfort. “So, you go on a blind date that you made over the Internet and this is what you found?” she gestured vaguely at Cereza in all her leather bodysuit-clad glory.
“Hey, dinner was fine,” he protested. “I showed up, she was there, she looks hot. I figured, the famous Harris luck with women is finally changing, and then…” he punched the palm of his hand. “WHAM! Demon attack.”
Bayonetta cleared her throat. “Technically, they’re Angels. But given the sort of things that you lot get up to, I can see where you wouldn’t see much of a difference.”
Buffy shook her head, not quite believing the Umbra Witch’s assertion. “These… angels, attack the restaurant and you two shoot the place up.”
did most of the shooting. I just helped out with crowd control and stuff.”
“Now, now, Cheshire, no need to be bashful.” Cereza chided, sidling up to him. He had a distinct deer-in-headlights look on his face as she plopped down in his lap, letting a gloved finger dangle off his lower lip. “You made for a wonderful distraction. Killing those freaks is a breeze, given how much they seem to love chasing after you.”
“What’s with the whole Cheshire thing?” Buffy asked.
“Pet name,” Xander said shortly.
“Isn’t it a little cutesy?”
“A cutesy nickname from her is the least painful thing I’ve had to deal with,” he observed.
“Now, now, Cheshire,” the Umbra Witch murmured, licking her lips speculatively. “I’ve got much more interesting things in mind for that clever little tongue of yours, and I’m going to enjoy making you do all of them.”
Willow cleared her throat meaningfully.
“…just as soon as Willow and I have finished our little chat,” Bayonetta amended quickly, getting up from her favorite new seat.
The Umbra Witch had already learned the hard way that keeping things polite with the Wicca was best for all of them. The fight in question was an astral tug-of-war match over Xander’s attention, and Cereza had only lost after Willow used her so-called ‘Resolve Face’ and a muted flare of magical power that intimidated him into paying attention to her rather than his new paramour.
Bayonetta had rarely encountered such a strong practitioner, and there was every indication that the redhead’s wellspring of power still remained largely untapped. A frightening concept, especially when one took her many known feats into consideration.
Buffy looked at Xander archly, “You just had to have sex on the first date, didn’t you?” she asked him dryly.
Xander looked at her, “Hello pot calling kettle...pot calling kettle; are you receiving Major Buffster?” he replied.
Buffy snorted but conceded the point.
The one-time King of Cretins simply gestured at the Umbra Witch continuing to haggle out the details of their… shared custody of him. “Besides, The chances of me meeting someone who looks that
hot on a blind date are bad enough. When you throw in the detail of her wanting a little sexy alone time too? That’s like… astronomical.”
“…and you had no idea what she was into?” Buffy rolled her eyes at his protests. “Even after seeing how she fights, the attacks she uses, and you still
didn’t get a clue?”
“He’s a big boy,” the Umbra Witch called over to her, leering at them. “He can handle it.”
Buffy snickered in spite of herself. “She’s like Anya in tight black leather, big hair, and glasses.”
“So we’re agreed?” Willow asked suddenly.
Bayonetta nodded, smiling widely.
Cereza and Willow stood up and shook hands, sealing the deal.
Buffy snorted at the way Xander flinched. “You know, most guys wouldn’t be complaining so much about getting some action, Xander. She seems really
guys don’t have to worry about being pimped out by their friends.” Xander grumbled.
“Pimped out?” Buffy sounded hurt. “This was your
idea. You’re the one who said that we needed to make friends.”
He managed to say, “This
is making friends?” just as Bayonetta nestled herself in his lap and started nibbling at his earlobe and running a gloved hand up and down his chest.
me this isn’t more fun than that manservant thing that you were doing for Dracula.” Buffy tried to point out the silver lining of her best male friend’s situation.
“You mean, when I was his spider-eating man-bitch for a whole year?” he snapped back snidely.
Bayonetta pulled away from his ear when she heard this. “Cheshire…” she purred. “You’ve had house training? Naughty, naughty
boy… you didn’t mention this last night.”
“We still have his butler outfit, if you want it,” Willow mentioned casually, enjoying his pain.
The Umbra Witch grinned, a predatory leer that only underlined her lust. “Even better. In fact… if we’re done here, I really should get my boy home and start showing him how grateful I am.”
“Willow, you’re not helping.” Xander said flatly, squealing girlishly as a gloved hand made its way down into his pants.
The redheaded Wicca just gazed at her old friend, amused. “Xander, THIS
is why YOU
of all people should not look for dates over the Internet.”