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Prophecies? We Don't Need No Stinking Prophecies!

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This story is No. 1 in the series "Prophecies Are A Pain In The Ass". You may wish to read the series introduction first.

Summary: How would things have changed if Harry Potter was raised by the Scooby Gang?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Xander-Centered
Multiple Crossings > General
GreywizardFR1838161,6642691605857,82425 Feb 0620 Feb 14No
CoA Winner

Chapter One

Rating: FR13 for right now. There will probably be extreme violence in later chapters, though.

Disclaimer: Is this really necessary? If anyone really thinks these characters belong to me, then I've got some *great* real estate investments I'd like to discuss with you. All of the Buffy characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc., and the Harry Potter characters belong to J. K. Rowlings. I'm just borrowing them for a while. There is no intent to profit from this. Only the story is mine, and if anyone waves enough money in front of me, even that is negotiable.

Summary: How would things have changed if Harry Potter was raised by the Scooby Gang?

Time frame: For BtVS, it's approximately three years after 'Chosen.' For Harry Potter, it begins immediately after Voldemort killed James and Lily Potter and had his body destroyed when he attempted to kill Harry.

Character Bashing: Not much, really. I think Dumbledore is a manipulative asshole, at best, so if you really like him, you probably aren't going to enjoy this story. I think that Snape is unquestionably an arrogant asshole, so if you really like him, you definitely aren't going to enjoy this story

Feedback: Of course!

Archiving: If you want to archive this, just let me know where, please.

Author's Notes 1: This is my first Buffy/Harry Potter crossover fic, so it's going to be completely AU as far as HP canon goes. I'm looking to have fun here, people, so be warned. ;-)

Author's Notes 2: Thanks to Lori Bush, Tim Joy, Bill Haden and Drake the Archr for beta-ing this story.

// word // is a foreign language being translated.

{ word } is thought.

Title: We Don't Need No Stinking Prophecies


"AAAUUGGH! You motherless sonuvabitch!"


The sound of an axe being buried in a neck is unmistakable, once you've heard it.


The sound of a body dropping lifelessly to the ground is another sound that is easily identified, also.

And when you've been traveling for a while in particular groups of company, you come to learn to expect one sound to follow the other quite frequently.

{ You also learn a much wider range of profanity and vulgarity than your sister would ever want you to hear, } Dawn Summers decided as she listened to her companion describing in explicit detail the dietary and sexual habits, ancestry and any potentially existing progeny of his late opponent.

"I didn't know you spoke Hausa, Xander," the strikingly beautiful brunette smirked as she began examining in greater detail the interior of the chamber they had followed their now-deceased adversary to.

"Don't see why you're surprised about that, Dawn-Star," the tall brunet in the bush jacket replied, as he began searching the now slowly cooling body at his feet. "That and Swahili are the two main lingua franca for most of the continent. Odds are that you can usually find someone who can at least get by in one or the other, pretty much anywhere you go."

"Yeah, I knew that," she said with a grin. "What I meant was that I was surprised *you* spoke Hausa. It's, like, light years away from the guy I remember from when you guys were in high school.

"Back then, you were flunking English" she reminded him with a grin. "And that's your mother tongue."

"First off, HEY!" came the response, as they both continued their searches. "And second, let me point out that I ended up graduating with a solid C minus in that subject. It's not my fault the teachers didn't consider going out at night and saving the world to be as important as learning proper declensions."

"You find anything interesting yet?"

"You mean, something other than the fact that this guy apparently didn't believe in the value of deodorant soap or the use of clean underwear under these dresses they wear here? Nope, not yet."

"Xander, that's just ewww! And in this world they call them robes."

"Just be glad you're not the one having to search him, Dawn-Star. It's not like we don't have enough problems in our own world with nutcases trying to rule the world," he grumbled under his breath as he continued his search. "No, we not only have to deal with nutjobs from other worlds coming to ours to steal mystical thing-a-ma-bobbies to let them take over their worlds, too, we have to follow them home to get the stuff they stole."

"Okay. Hey, I found it, I think!"

The young brunette's exclamation immediately interrupted her companion's complaints and grabbed his attention, and he moved to stand next to her as she examined her find in greater detail.

"Yeah, that certainly looks like the amulet Willow described," he judged as he evaluated the silver and mother-of-pearl encrusted locket. "Check it with that magic detector thing-y she gave you, Dawn."

A moment's silence passed as she did as suggested, and then her strikingly attractive features broke out in a smile.

"This is it, Xand!" she exclaimed. "Finally! Now we can go back to our rooms, pack and head on home!"

"Sounds good to me, Munchkin. Let's get rolling," he agreed with a smile. "I can't wait to get back to someplace where they know to serve beer cold.

"And don't even get me started on the names of some of the foods here..."


"You all set to go, Xand?" Dawn demanded as she leaned against the doorframe of her one-time crush's bedroom in the apartment they were currently sharing.

"Well, I can't really say I'm gonna miss this place very much at all, Dawnie," the one-time carpenter/currently Pro Tem Assistant Director of the Watcher's Council replied as he heaved his backpack over his shoulder.

"And I would have been ready a lot sooner if I didn't have to finish packing up all of the equipment we brought with us all by myself, while someone else took a bath," he added, giving her the evil eye.

"But, Xand," she pouted, giving him her version of puppy-dog eyes, "that's the last time I'm gonna be able to enjoy using a tub like that. We don't have anything at all like that back in our world.

"You wouldn't begrudge me enjoying a nice, long soak in all those bubbles, now would you?" she asked, looking up at him from under a pair of devastating blue eyes.

"You are an evil woman, Dawnie," Xander laughed as her expression broke into an equally wide smile. "Trying to manipulate me with naughty thoughts of you in a bathtub.

"Not that I mind those kind of thoughts in the least," he grinned at her while wiggling his eyebrows in a Groucho Marx-like manner.

"Whatever happened to the little tomboy I used to watch over while your sister was out Slaying demons?"

"She grew up, filled out, and found out about boys," she informed him with a devilish grin. "I learned the basics of handling them from Willow and Buffy, and then took postgraduate instruction from Faith.

"In fact -"

Whatever she was about to tell him was lost as there was an unexpected boom! and small flash of light in the room, and Xander suddenly found himself holding a small, blanket-wrapped bundle in his arms.

Looking down into a black-haired cherubic face, he saw a pair of bright green eyes staring solemnly back at him, seemingly fascinated by the patch covering where his left eye used to be, while a thin scar in the form of a bolt of lightning marred the child's forehead.

"What the hell!??!" he exclaimed as he tried not to let fall the unexpected weight suddenly dropped in his arms.

A sheet of parchment fluttered towards the floor next to the two of them, and Dawn quickly snatched it out of the air and read it aloud.

" 'Our child's name is Harry Potter, and we, his parents, were foully murdered earlier this day, leaving him orphaned and alone.

" 'Our killer seeks to complete his frightful mission to take our baby's life, for prophecy has foretold that he is the one who will prevent the Dark Lord's rise and he is now helpless and unprotected. Harry needs a protector to shield him from those that would slay him as he lies vulnerable, and there is no one available better suited for this task than you, for our spell has sent him to the one who is best suited to protect him, one who will not seek to use him for their own purposes.

" 'Please, protect our baby, and know that you will have our undying gratitude."

" (signed) Lily and James Potter.' "

"Wow, Xand, looks like you hit the prophecy lottery, again," Dawn grinned at him, not even needing to ask him his intentions towards the child.

"Looks like it's you and me against the world, Harry," Xander said as he smiled at the baby. "So, what do you think?"

A loud B-R-A-A-A-P-P-P, accompanied by a foul-smelling stench, suddenly filled the air.

"Yeah, that's what I think, too," the tall brunet nodded solemnly as he looked down into the baby's intent green eyes.

"Phew! Good lord, kid, that's toxic! Hey, Dawn, you want to run down to the local supermarket for diapers, or do you want me to?"

The sound of the apartment's front door slamming shut could be heard before he had even finished speaking.

"Well, Harry, I gotta tell you, a bouquet of roses, you most certainly aren't," the tall brunet announced, while awkwardly trying to open a window one-handedly. "Although, once we get home, maybe we can go into the WMD business and sell your used diapers to the government..."

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