Disclaimer: All characters copyright MGM or Joss Whedon/Twentieth Century Fox/Mutant Enemy. Only the plot is mine. This is a non-profit fan story not intended to infringe the rights of MGM, Showtime, Gekko or Double Secret productions. Nor those of Joss Whedon, Twentieth Century Fox, or Mutant Enemy. Besides I have no money, sueing me would be a waste of time. :)
A/N: 'Scooby Through the Stargate' will continue with the action version. This is the humour version, since people asked for it to be posted anyway. Silliness abounds. You have been warned. It's complete as it stands.
“The oracle states that it must be the youngest of the strangers who will fight for all their honours,” the Herald’s voice announced.
Jack O’Neill made as if to object, violently, but was held back by his second in command, Samantha Carter, and the tall black former Jaffa, Teal’c. Alexander Harris, Xander to his friends and the youngest of the strangers, just sighed and took off his jacket. “Of course it is,” he muttered to himself.
“It’s alright, Colonel,” he said a little louder.
is it alright?” O'Neill asked.
“Those weapons they have out there?” he said as he began loosening his muscles. “I’m probably better with any of them than any of you. They might have picked me because I look the weakest or least experienced, but I actually probably have a better chance of winning than any of you.”
O’Neill, remembering the last time they had met, actually began to feel reassured.
“Actually, that’s not why I picked you,” came a light female voice from behind Xander. The young man recognized both face and voice.
“Anya?” he asked, dumbstruck.
“Hiya, Xander. I’m the oracle, in case you were wondering. I picked you because I want you to win,” the blond said typical cheerful bluntness.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. “I thought you were human…?”
“Well, I was,” Anya said. “But after you guys took out the Mayor in his demon form by blowing up the high school, good job on that by the way-.”
“Thank you,” Xander said faintly. The expression on his face was that of a person that thinks they’re going to wake up any second.
“Anyways,” she continued obliviously. “After that, I talked to D’Hoffryn again, and he said if I ‘d gone up against you guys and only ended up with my amulet broken, well, that was probably the best outcome I could have hoped for. So he gave me my old job back.”
“That’s great, Anya,” Xander said. “But…Why are you…here? Not that I’m not happy to see you.” He reassured her when she began to pout. It worked, because she smiled again.
“Well, you see that guy over there,” she said, pointing to a guy almost half-again Xander’s size.
“He cheated on his wife,” she explained. “And since you’re here, and I like you and all, and he needs to be humiliated, well you were just chosen as the instrument of vengeance. Isn’t that fun?”
Xander bit back a groan, managing to summon up a smile instead so that Anya wouldn’t hurt him for lacking enthusiasm.
“I mean I would have chosen Samantha here,” Anya continued. “Because there’s nothing more humiliating than being beaten by a woman. Only she can’t use a sword worth shit and you can, so here we are. And like I said, I like you, so I don’t have a problem with you winning, even if you are a no-good male.”
“Thank you, Anya,” Xander said. He was beginning to believe this was real because his own sub-conscious would never have inflicted this on him. She seemed to be waiting for him to say something else.
“Not that it’s not nice to know that I’m going to win,” he said. “But if you’re the oracle, should you even be talking to me?” ‘
“I’m supposed to be giving you your instructions,” Anya said, sounding bored. “Only, like I said, you’re going to win, so I don’t need to bother going over all the tedious ways you could lose gracefully. I do have one request, though.”
“What?” Xander asked warily.
“I miss kissing,” she said, pouting. “I know I shouldn’t, but I do. Would you mind…?” She tilted her head to stare at Xander, whose mouth was opening and closing like a fish.
He knew he couldn’t say no, because then she’d just be mad at him and having a vengeance demon mad at you seemed like it could be a bad thing, especially since he’d heard Anya’s idea of vengeance. On the other hand, saying yes didn’t seem like a very good idea either. Of the two options, he picked the one least likely to get him killed in the immediate future.
“Um, sure,” he said.
She made a happy sound and threw herself at him. It was a pretty steamy kiss and went on for close to a minute before Xander pulled away, trying to catch his breath.
“So you’re…not…human…anymore…is that right?” he asked, between breaths.
“No,” she said, dropping a light kiss on his lips. She sounded breathless herself. “Is that a problem?”
“No. No problem,” Xander assured her. “Just trying to be clear. Is anyone seeing this?”
“No,” she said. “Well, except your friends here.”
She pulled him in for another kiss. A couple of minutes later a bell sounded and she pulled away.
“Pick a sword,” she advised. “The axes are rigged. Brittle. Try to make it look good.”
And then she’d pulled the hood of her robe up and was gone. Xander sank down onto a bench with a groan, but the rest of the group was silent for a few seconds.
“Friend of yours?” Jack asked. He sounded downright amused.
“Former girlfriend,” Xander said, head still buried in his hands. “She’s a vengeance demon. Anyanka, patron of scorned women.”
“So, how did you two meet?” Jack asked.
“I was going out with Cordelia, you remember her? The cheerleader, and I kinda ended up kissing Willow and she found out and it hurt her and Anya turned up to try to get her to make a wish against me. Only it didn’t work exactly, there was a whole thing with an alternate reality and she lost her amulet, which is the source of her power, so she ended up stuck as an 18 year old human girl because D’Hoffryn, her boss, wouldn’t give her another one. So it was sort of my fault, only not really, and she had decided she liked me even if I was cheating scum so she made me take her to Prom. Only now she’s a demon again…And she still likes me. Buffy and Wills are never going to stop laughing.”
“Demons?” Sam asked incredulously. “And you want him to join the SGC? He’d never pass the psych exam. He shouldn’t even be here.”
“Neither should she, Carter.” O’Neill pointed across the field. “If he knows her, and he certainly seems to. She didn’t come through the Stargate.”
“Demons, sir?” Sam asked.
“She’s not a true demon,” Xander offered. “If that…helps at all.”
“Guess not,” he said when she glared at him.
“Demons exist, Carter,” O’Neill said. “So do vampires. Daniel, back me up on this.”
“It’s true, Sam,” Daniel said sympathetically. “I know it’s hard to believe but when we were in Sunnydale, we ran across some real, live vampires.”
“They’re actually really dead,” Xander corrected. “They’re just demon-possessed corpses is all. Undead rather than the living dead and shoot me because I just started to sound like Giles.”
Jack was grinning, Teal’c and Daniel were looking interested and Sam was looking like she thought someone was trying to play a joke on her.
“What is the difference?” Teal’c asked.
“Not you, too, Teal’c,” Sam said.
“In my time, I have seen many strange and unexplained things, Major Carter,” the big man said. “The existence of demons would explain a great many of them.”
The Jaffa turned to Xander, still waiting for the answer to his question.
“Uh, th-the difference between the living dead and the undead?” Xander asked. “Giles could explain it better but, the living dead are created when the soul of the person whose, uh, body it is, is called back to inhabit that body again. The presence of their own soul re-animates that person’s corpse. The undead are the, um, mindless zombies, with no self-awareness at all. They’re walking around but there’s no one in the driver’s seat, and, um, vampires, or similar things, where there’s a demon in the driver’s seat. It’s got some of the memories of its host, but it’s not actually the person.”
“Back to a subject of more immediate importance,” Jack said, cutting off any further questions. “Despite what your girlfriend said, do you really think you can take this guy?”
Xander looked his opponent over carefully before answering. He’d been wondering that himself.
“He’s got reach on me,” the young man admitted. “But so have most of the things I’ve come up against. And I prefer axes to swords-- actually I prefer crossbows to either because the personal danger is a lot less than hand-to-hand, but I’m better with axes and he probably practices with swords because the axes here are rigged but, in a fair fight…I might get thrown around a bit but I could probably take him in the end.”
“He is also stronger and most probably faster than you,” Teal’c pointed out.
“I’m used to fighting things that are four times stronger and faster than your average human,” Xander pointed out. “So long as this guy’s actually human, and not on PCP or anything I can probably deal.”
Before anyone could say anything else, the bell to summon the champions was rung.
Xander got up and walked towards the center of the…whatever they called it here. It was a great big dirt area with a stand of seats on one side, for the nobles, and with a wooden fence ringing the other three sides. It was at least nominally square in shape.
In front of the stands was an array of weapons from which Xander and his opponent would be allowed to choose. Once they’d picked weapons they would take what they’d chosen to the center of the square and a bell would be rung to signal the beginning of the match.
It was not, Xander thanked every deity that might be listening, supposed to be combat to the death. And he remembered Anya saying on their date that the point of vengeance was for the guy to suffer so it was unlikely she’d cause his sword to slip and cut the guy’s head off or whatever. He swallowed sharply as the thought occurred that she could make his sword slip and cut off other things.
As he stared blindly at the weapons he was supposed to be picking from, he wondered how he’d gotten himself into this. Single combat, on another planet, with Anya directing the outcome. Oy.
--Review. It does a body good.