Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

The Slayer, The Avatar & The Guardian Of Light

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking
Review of chapter "CH20 - Take Four - Leçons Françaises" from AnnOfMidnight
I liked the chapter, I like the whole idea of the story. You can e-mail me anytime you need help with French though, it's my first language.

Here are the corrections for you french phrases in the last chapter, in case no one else has sent them along:

'Vous semblez terrible' is literally 'you seem terrible'. Terrible, in the sense of bad notorious killer, not tired. 'Vous avez l'air épuisé' might work, or better yet: 'Tu as l'air épuisé'. 'Vous' is either plural, or it is used as a form of respect, and usually detachment. Friends, or any young person, would never use 'vous' with anyone remotly close to their age. Still, go with 'vous' if Victor, who's transferring the knowledge, only speaks French in class.

The longer phrase is the messier one, through no fault of your own. The problem with literal translations from english to french is that the phrase is structured completely differently and if you put it in a translator, it comes out complete nonsense. Try this:

"Oui, Victor m'a transferrez ses connaissances toute la journée; il dit que je commence à parler couramment."

Looking forward to more, can't wait to see what Harry turns into under good tuteledge.
Comments from author:
Thanks for the translation other, hopefully it wont come up very often as it should only happen when there are either french speakers and non-french speakers present, I just added it in here to show how much Harry had learned.

thank you for that translation I will be including them
Review By [AnnOfMidnight] • Date [5 Jun 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "CH17 - Take One - Professor Potter" from kkf
Great story. I just found and read all 17 chapters in one sitting. I can't wait for the "worlds" to meet!
Comments from author:
Then I will have to keep you in suspence for a while I am afraid, the 'meeting' doesn't happen for at least another 10 chapters

I'm evil I know.

I have a yahoo group for this fic the link is on my profile, there for posting of any stories that people like or have written.

any suggestions so far, or anythings that you liked in particular?

Adam (GuardianOfLight)
Review By [kkf] • Date [17 May 06] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "CH17 - Take One - Professor Potter" from (Recent Donor)NotAGoauld
Ooh a time turner... What could they be doing? Please let it be something nasty against the Dursleys. Lovely story.
Comments from author:
I will have to see what I can do, did you have anything in particular in mind
Review By [(Recent Donor)NotAGoauld] • Date [16 May 06] • Rating [10 out of 10]
Review of chapter "CH16 - A Mysterious Message" from banner
Good update. I like the view of Viktor Krum - he's intelligent and strong.
Comments from author:
I really hated the dum Krum, in this interpretation he is a serious player
Review By [banner] • Date [15 May 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "CH13 - Secrets Revealed" from banner
Interesting and very different. I love the creative touches, and the characterizations. Looking forward to the next installment.
Comments from author:
thank you for reviewing I am hoping to get a couple more readers soon
Review By [banner] • Date [14 May 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "CH3 - Adam" from MistofRainbows
As for how to improve the chapter, I have a suggestion if you were going to rewrite it. I would probably cut the number of vampires down to like two of the uber vampires. And have the guardian show up to help. Not so much win the fight as just sort of tip the blance. I would probably draw out the length of time before they find out much about him. Probably the most glaring thing is I don't want you to tell me how cool he is. I want to see that from Buffy's reactions, from her losing sight of him as he moves. Or simply something like. The strange cloaked figure slips up behind the vampire only to toss him across the street into the brick building with enough force to crush the bricks. Just a personal nitpick but he should have enough control over his aura that Willow and Tara aren't going gogoe over him. Being that Tara at least isn't into guys much at all. That part struck me as strange.

Mainly more showing than telling as for the stranger, no reason to lay everything out on the table. I'm not sure what else to tell you other then take your time on things.
Comments from author:
thank you for that, I will look to alter the story at a later date, at the moment I have other readers on other sites begging me for more but I will remember.

Ubervamps don't enter the story for many many chapters yet as this is still season 5 and they appear in season 7.

As for how cool he is, now you mention it I did over do it a bit, more about him comes out later, I was trying to stress just how powerful he is as will become apparent as the story developes, the main thing that holds him back are rules not ability.

As for the going gogoe, I was sort of trying to show that his aura was so great they become almost hypnotised by it, the effects wane after being in proximity to it for a while, like getting used to a smell or a sound, you sort of filter it out, otherwise they would never be able to hold conversations with him
Review By [MistofRainbows] • Date [12 May 06] • Not Rated
Review of chapter "CH1 - Guardian?" from MistofRainbows
I have to say I'm not a large fan of making Buffy look like an idiot. As for getting trapped by 10 vampires and a demon, most demons don't work with vampires. And it makes a bad story to have her rescued by an oc that doesn't even bother to stick around to chat. I can't really see Buffy not sticking around to look. She has taken on a hell goddess and won before. A few vampires aren't too much trouble. As for 10 vampires while that might be a problem she could probably kill enough to get the others to back off enough to flee.

To me the oc came across as one of those oh looky why don't you just do my job oh sparkly one that has cooler powers then I do because suddenly I can't fight worth crap and I wasn't paying attention and let 10 vampires jump me.

On top of that you rushed things to such an extent that I'm not sure I even cared what happened.

I guess my advice is to just slow down a touch.
Comments from author:
I did not intentually make Buffy look like an idiot, which is why I stacked the odds against her to make it seem like she was probably going to be killed if she tried to engage them all at once, and as for the demon that was just to make the challenge all the harder and to give the group a leader.

By this point Buffy has not taken on Glory that actually happens in a few chapters time.

The reason the OC is so vague at this point is to make the next chapter all the more suspenceful, this is my first full length fic so I would not be surprised if it does not work that well.

As for the rushing, you are probably right, I wrote this chapter over a year ago and other than proof reading it for gramatical errors I havent touched it since, if you have any suggestions as to how to improve the chapter please tell me

Thank you for the very quick review
Review By [MistofRainbows] • Date [12 May 06] • Rating [3 out of 10]
start back Page: 13 of 13
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking